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critique 5 page short drama

Hey guys, looking for some feedback on my short. It's a 5 page emotional drama piece with the slightest touch of the surreal.

LOGLINE: A grieving couple coming to terms with the mysterious disappearance of their son discover they are already expecting again. They must endeavour to move forward for the sake of their new arrival.

If anyone has any suggestions for improvement for the screenplay or the logline, it is much appreciated. The short contains little dialogue with the idea being the visuals are reinforced with strong audio content. Anyway, let me know what you think.
 

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I don't think the story described this way is much appealing or interesting. You won't have easy time pitching it. Of course, it is up to you. The previous one was better (though a bit messy at a start) in my opinion. If you have time to work on multiple scenarios, it is fine, though I'd recommend to refine the best one and try to make it into a film. Quantity will not replace quality.
 
Hey Jkds. I personally liked the way you laid out the story and the twist in the end. It reminds me a bit of the opening scene from "Up", or at least that's how I pictured it. The main questions I have are: Are the parents aware of what is happening around them? If so, why not try and shield the child? If not, why don't they go outside or try to? Also, who does Ryan call? I understand there needs to be an element of ambiguity but it would also be nice to have a build up by answering those questions. An additional scene for that would be difficult to conjure up, considering the whole situation, but it would add more anticipation whilst reading/watching. Perhaps this can be done in the form of an additional montage. Overall though, I think it was well-written with an interesting, original idea. It just needs a little more thought put into it.
 
Hey Jkds. I personally liked the way you laid out the story and the twist in the end. It reminds me a bit of the opening scene from "Up", or at least that's how I pictured it. The main questions I have are: Are the parents aware of what is happening around them? If so, why not try and shield the child? If not, why don't they go outside or try to? Also, who does Ryan call? I understand there needs to be an element of ambiguity but it would also be nice to have a build up by answering those questions. An additional scene for that would be difficult to conjure up, considering the whole situation, but it would add more anticipation whilst reading/watching. Perhaps this can be done in the form of an additional montage. Overall though, I think it was well-written with an interesting, original idea. It just needs a little more thought put into it.
Hi there, thank you for your constuctive feedback.

In answer to your questions, the parents are vaguely aware that they are living in an abnormal situation but react in the same way that any animal/pet in that situation would, it becomes their normality. We don't see it (as it would spoil the story) but they have always been entrapped in that house and cannot go outside. They don't consider this out of the oridinary since they have known nothing else, again the same as any breeding animal in captivity.

Regarding why they dont shield the child, they do. At least in the second instance when Alice grasps the scissors. In the first instance, they were caught off guard since the "keepers" had only been good to them, although they knew there was interference from the outside world.

Ryan's phonecall is to the midwife. Slightly strange given their situation perhaps but the idea is the "keepers" try to provide them as normal a life as they can, which in this instance means they have the number of a medical carer to faclitate the reproduction of new "pets" for them.

I'm glad you enjoyed it though, if you can think of any additional scenes that you think would better tie the story together, I would appreciate it. As you rightly pointed out, it is meant to be slightly ambiguous, to make you ask questions. But that said, I don't want it to come across as not understandable or have plot holes.
 
Hi there, thank you for your constuctive feedback.

In answer to your questions, the parents are vaguely aware that they are living in an abnormal situation but react in the same way that any animal/pet in that situation would, it becomes their normality. We don't see it (as it would spoil the story) but they have always been entrapped in that house and cannot go outside. They don't consider this out of the oridinary since they have known nothing else, again the same as any breeding animal in captivity.

Regarding why they dont shield the child, they do. At least in the second instance when Alice grasps the scissors. In the first instance, they were caught off guard since the "keepers" had only been good to them, although they knew there was interference from the outside world.

Ryan's phonecall is to the midwife. Slightly strange given their situation perhaps but the idea is the "keepers" try to provide them as normal a life as they can, which in this instance means they have the number of a medical carer to faclitate the reproduction of new "pets" for them.

I'm glad you enjoyed it though, if you can think of any additional scenes that you think would better tie the story together, I would appreciate it. As you rightly pointed out, it is meant to be slightly ambiguous, to make you ask questions. But that said, I don't want it to come across as not understandable or have plot holes.
My mistake about Ryan's phone call. But in regards to being understandable, it very much is. I don't see any glaring plot holes either.
When it comes to shielding the child, I'm assuming the father is more nonchalant about it because he gave up or is tired of the position they're in?
I tried but didn't come up with anything to add that might subtly signal to the surreal (from my past suggestion). It is pretty difficult. If I think of any inclusion that might aid the story, I'll definitely let you know. I wish you the best of luck in finalizing this screenplay and starting the next!
 
When it comes to shielding the child, I'm assuming the father is more nonchalant about it because he gave up or is tired of the position they're in?
He is basically trying to get them to "move on" and stop living in fear since that is no life to live. Since they dont really understand what happened the first time, they have no particular reason to expect it to happen again even though the wife remains paranoid. Instead he wants them to cherish the life and family they have right now.

Incidentally, I've not watched the movie "Up" but your comparison regarding the intro had me intrigued so I watched the opening scene on youtube. I can see what you mean, the absence of dialogue while a montage-style emotional drama of their life is portrayed is quite reminiscent in some ways.
 
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