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4 page FX heavy script

W

wheatgrinder

After watching the short film in this thread
http://www.indietalk.com/showthread.php?t=31013

I was inspired to basically rip it off. :) Not really, but definitely I was inspire by it. Of course I have a completely different story but many of the archetypal images are similar, as they are with many Frankenstein type story elements.

If youd like to read it..
http://www.devilinthedesert.com/files/PowerUp.pdf

I plan on shooting this next month. Closing details on awesome location today.

Questions you could answer for me if you want....

Is the ending a surprise?

Is my style of writing distracting, simple or just dull?

Does it feel "complete?"

Thanks
 
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Thanks Rayw,
Not using that cool screen more would be just criminal, so thanks for that idea. I picture some of those shots being through the transparent screen showing both Asher and the home movies in the same shot.. should be visually very cool.

Yeah, I expect tweaks to be on going, for example, when I write the news paper articles, Ill likely adjust the headlines etc..

Scheduled shooting days and location secured. So its on baby.
 
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Wheat, I love it! Great paceing and story.
The only thing I'd change is the newspaper clippings. The scientist actively displaying them makes me too aware of the fact that you are spoonfeeding info. Pretty much the same feel than the character looking at the camera and telling me the backstory.
I'd think that showing regular newspaper clippings pined to a wall would be much less...Disturbing? I dunno, I can't find he word.
The rest of the story feels great, I can't wait to see this.

Just a quick question...
Is the liquid in the first scene a poison of some kind?
 
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Thanks Jake,
Im ok with a bit of ambiguity on this project, it might not tie up as neat as I would normally like.

I think the execution of the clippings that will allow this to work. I may add a simple flashback scene of her looking at the clippings discovering the truth about her self..

The rest is up to your imagination... I think the green fluid is self explanatory.
 
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Meant to read this when I first saw it, only just got the chance...

I did have a few comment when I first read this (I was going to mention the mistakes in your copyright notice, I didn't want you to have any problems there!), but then I scrolled down and read v2. Then I found v3, so I read that. Then I finally scrolled to the end of this thread and found v5!!!! Anyway... Alot of my comments are now null and void, so thats great!

I enjoyed the script and I like your writing.

One thing I still don't quite get, although it's a little clearer in later versions, so I think i'm getting it... Who is Cinder a robotic version of? Wife or daughter? It was confusing in the early versions, but now that you've increased Cinder's age, I'm assuming she's the wife? If so, what happened to their child? Or have I missed that? The fact that they're expecting did lead me to believe that Cinder was the daughter, but with the increased age, I think I've made the correct assumption.

Good stuff anyway!
 
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The child bit is confusing.

Initial drafts had Cinder as the daughter.
Newer drafts Cinder is the wife.
The news paper article about "expecting a child" is confusing and will be severely beaten for doing so. Ill change it to "just married" somit like that..
 
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