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action How to write a scene where two characters are hiding from another? How to write clear and concise action lines?

Trying to figure out how to write a scene where two characters are hiding behind a couch, whilst two other characters are being interrogated.
Would really appreciate feedback as I'm nearing the end of Act 1 (I'm 22 pages deep on my first draft) and want to ensure I am writing better going forward.
How would I do this? So far I've got something like:
INT. BEHIND THE COUCH - DAY
DAVIS (45) clutches NINA (10) close. She struggles in frustration but her father puts a finger to his lips. We hear the sound of footsteps pounding against the carpet.

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
The living room is neat. Sat in between the two couches is a table. On the side dresser, a bible. Three figures sit on the couch. Two on the left and one the right. A calendar hangs on the wall. MILGRAM, a man in his fifties, takes off his hazmat helmet and places his helmet on the table. At his side, a small pistol. He smiles at VIVIAN (30) and JAMAL (10) sat opposite on a couch.

INT. BEHIND THE COUCH - DAY
Nina stops struggling and stretches out a pinky with a mischievous grin.
DAVIS
Stop!

Nina closes her fist, staring guiltily.

Jamal's eyes widen as he notices the calendar unhook itself and float.

Furthermore, I've been struggling with writing in a more concise manner in particular, how can I shorten my description of rooms - for instance, in one scene, my main character is working at a receptionist desk of an underground facility and has to take an elevator down after being held at gunpoint:
Here's how I described the setting but I feel like its too wordy/awkward? :

We see a Tyson sat at an empty desk save for a pencil and paper. He glances around - no one else is present save for a CLEANER in hazmat suit spraying down a nearby window. The reception area has an unnatural level of cleanliness and plainness. There are two elevators on either side of the reception area.

Tyson sketches a noughts and crosses grid and tries to stave off his boredom.

Suddenly, the elevator doors open, Milgram and Leon stride out, dressed for another hunt. Milgram walks to the other elevator without skipping a beat barging past the cleaner. Leon slows down his pace as he walks through the reception and waves.

The later scene:
Roxanne drags Tyson along to the elevator.
INT. THE WELL - ELEVATOR - DAY
Awkward elevator music.

Tyson and Roxanne are stood awkwardly. Tyson looks down and Roxanne smirks confidently
 
I would not have 'behind the couch' as a separate scene, i'd include that in the room and save her hiding for the description.
If you say once that she is hiding, we will know she is hiding until you say she stops hiding or is seen.

I put your description into chatGPT and htis is what it spit out

Tyson sits alone at a stark desk, its only adornments a pencil and paper. A hazmat-suited cleaner methodically sanitizes a nearby window in the eerily pristine reception area, flanked by two elevators. Tyson doodles a tic-tac-toe grid to pass the time. Suddenly, the elevator doors part, revealing Milgram and Leon, outfitted for a hunt. Milgram strides briskly towards the opposite elevator, brushing past the cleaner, while Leon leisurely crosses the reception, offering a wave.
 
I would not have 'behind the couch' as a separate scene, i'd include that in the room and save her hiding for the description.
this - yes.

In terms of the other scene, stick to describing what IS visible, rather than what isn't there. For example, don't tell us that "no one else is present" only who IS there.

We can't actually see WHY Tyson is playing noughts and crosses (aka tic tack toe) so leave out that he does it to stave off boredom.

Tell us that the area is immaculately neat and clean, and leave it at that.
 
I would not have 'behind the couch' as a separate scene, i'd include that in the room and save her hiding for the description.
If you say once that she is hiding, we will know she is hiding until you say she stops hiding or is seen.

I put your description into chatGPT and htis is what it spit out

Tyson sits alone at a stark desk, its only adornments a pencil and paper. A hazmat-suited cleaner methodically sanitizes a nearby window in the eerily pristine reception area, flanked by two elevators. Tyson doodles a tic-tac-toe grid to pass the time. Suddenly, the elevator doors part, revealing Milgram and Leon, outfitted for a hunt. Milgram strides briskly towards the opposite elevator, brushing past the cleaner, while Leon leisurely crosses the reception, offering a wave.
Would you recommend using chatgpt for descriptions? How did you get this result?
 
this - yes.

In terms of the other scene, stick to describing what IS visible, rather than what isn't there. For example, don't tell us that "no one else is present" only who IS there.

We can't actually see WHY Tyson is playing noughts and crosses (aka tic tack toe) so leave out that he does it to stave off boredom.

Tell us that the area is immaculately neat and clean, and leave it at that.
How would I explain the fact that there is two elevators? And that an elevator is opening?
 
How would I do this? What are secondary scene headings?
LOL. Well you can always Google it and I recommend that you do and read several, if not more articles about using secondary scene headings.

Unfortunately, I have a long drive ahead of me here very soon so I can't really type it all out myself so I'll go ahead and share some links with you but you act as though you've never heard of secondary scene headings before.

If this is true? Why?

You may want to read a few screenwriting books to learn more about them because in my humble opinion, if you want to be a professional screenwriter but you're not using secondary scene headings? Anyone in the business that reads your script (I'm assuming you're writing a spec script here), is going to be bogged down in the reading just like your example bogged my reading down.

Ask the Expert: Sluglines Slugfest

Secondary Headings

How to Write Sluglines: Scene Heading Format and Creative Uses

There's no one correct way to utilize secondary scene headings but I personally feel the best way to use them is to make the reading FLOW and not just jam a secondary scene heading in there like a master scene heading and then follow it up with description.

Just remember... Spec scripts are not shooting scripts and spec scripts are MEANT to be READ.
 
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Furthermore, I've been struggling with writing in a more concise manner in particular, how can I shorten my description of rooms

For both of the scenes above, you can shorten them and make them more concise simply by using fewer words! It would also be much easier to understand what's going on if you describe the location once at the beginning of the scene instead of scattering comments about the physical environment amongst the action and dialogue, and then be consisent and explicit when you refer to them afterwards.

For example:

There are two elevators on either side of the reception area.
...
Suddenly, the elevator doors open, Milgram and Leon stride out, dressed for another hunt. Milgram walks to the other elevator without skipping a beat

Two elevators either side, so four in total? Yet we're given no pointer as to which of them opens suddenly? Does it matter? Does it matter which "other" one Milgram walks to? If it does, you need to give a clearer description at the outset and use a more specific descriptor afterwards instead of "the" and "the other".

On the flip side, in this exchange:
INT. BEHIND THE COUCH - DAY
DAVIS (45) clutches NINA (10) close. She struggles in frustration but her father puts a finger to his lips. We hear the sound of footsteps pounding against the carpet.

INT. HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
The living room is neat. Sat in between the two couches is a table. On the side dresser, a bible. Three figures sit on the couch. Two on the left and one the right. A calendar hangs on the wall. MILGRAM, a man in his fifties, takes off his hazmat helmet and places his helmet on the table. At his side, a small pistol. He smiles at VIVIAN (30) and JAMAL (10) sat opposite on a couch.

INT. BEHIND THE COUCH - DAY
Nina stops struggling and stretches out a pinky with a mischievous grin.
DAVIS
Stop!

Nina closes her fist, staring guiltily.

Jamal's eyes widen as he notices the calendar unhook itself and float.

So many couches! :eek: Again, is this really that important? And again, you describe "the two couches" with a table between them, then talk about three figures sitting on "the" couch as if there's only one; you don't explicity state that Milgram is sitting, so we'll assume he's in a menacing, standing position; and Vivian and Jamal are seated (not sat ;)) "opposite on a couch" ... Hang on a sec - is that a third couch, or one of the first two? And how many people are in the room now - three on one couch, two on another, two more behind one or other and Milgram standing ... ? Hang on another sec - if there's that much furniture and that many people in the room, how can anyone have enough room for their footsteps to be "pounding against the carpet"

Cut out all the superflous and contradictory descriptions and let us fill in any gaps ourselves:
A large, neat living room, sparsely furnished with two couches on either side of a coffee table. Milgram sits on one, with his back to the window, facing Vivian and Jamal sitting together on the other. Unseen by Milgram, Davis and Nina crouch on the floor behind them.
Now you can start talking about how Davis can put a finger to his lips even though he (presumably) needs two arms to hold a struggling ten-year-old ...
 
Link to Script: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-rN_vlZe1n19FXssSxVDvf_gRVdmrfBa/view?usp=sharing
Logline: A young soldier is forced to go on the run with the boisterous leader of a guerrilla group striking against The Well - an organisation dedicated to capturing Telekinetics called Movers before they can cause widespread harm.

Hi all, I am looking for feedback on the first 19 pages (coming to the tee end of act 1 as my protagonist is about to be launched into a new world).
  1. Does my story have a clear conflict?
  2. Is my protagonist likeable or atleast relatable?
  3. How can I tidy up my action lines? (Should I be editing these as I go along or should I do this after a complete first draft?
  4. How can I ensure I give each character a unique voice without delving into being quite sweary and potty mouthed (I am unsure if I am thinking of this in the right sense?)
  5. What advice would you give me to keep in mind for Act 2?
  6. I know that at the end of the story I want the main character to be redeemed (in a being less selfish and more of a protector way) but I wondered if I've made him a little too good at the start?
 
Page 1: I'm never a fan of "we see" - just tell us what we see and leave it at that.

What does this mean?
"The hand eventually rips down the clothing to reveal our
hero, yet he does not know it yet"
He doesn't see that the clothes have been ripped down? If so, avoid describing what doesn't happen.
Doesn't know that he's the hero? Definitely delete it as it's nothing that we can see on the screen.

How can we see that Tyson is "sweating bullets" beneath his hazmat suit?
If it's obvious when he takes off his helmet and his face is covered in sweat, say that.

Why/how does he feel the "familiar hand of Leon" if the guy is engrossed in a mobile phone game?

A master scene heading ("Behind Milgram's Couch") needs a time indication (DAY, NIGHT, etc)

If the couch is in the living room, I suggest that you make that the master scene heading and ditch "behind the couch" sluglines entirely.

It's confusing and I suggest that you keep in mind @Unknown Screenwriter 's comment:
There's no one correct way to utilize secondary scene headings but I personally feel the best way to use them is to make the reading FLOW and not just jam a secondary scene heading in there like a master scene heading and then follow it up with description.

Just remember... Spec scripts are not shooting scripts and spec scripts are MEANT to be READ.
It all feels unnecessarily jumpy and confusing.

And on page 2 - what does "We return to the LIVING ROOM" mean?
Haven't they been in the living room?

Are Vivian and Jamal sitting on the couch or someplace else?

Where is the calendar before it starts to float?

How do we see that Milgram's eyes are "about to rest on the floating calendar"?

What is the "normal position" that the calendar goes back to?

On page 3, what does this mean?
"I found it weird when you mentioned allergies. I was sure that it was Nina who had them."
There's no previous mention of allergies.

This line seems out of place in the middle of the living room scene(s):
"Jamal pulls out a key and unlocks the backgarden."

Good luck with it.
 
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Link to Script: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-rN_vlZe1n19FXssSxVDvf_gRVdmrfBa/view?usp=sharing
Logline: A young soldier is forced to go on the run with the boisterous leader of a guerrilla group striking against The Well - an organisation dedicated to capturing Telekinetics called Movers before they can cause widespread harm.

Hi all, I am looking for feedback on the first 19 pages (coming to the tee end of act 1 as my protagonist is about to be launched into a new world).
  1. Does my story have a clear conflict?
  2. Is my protagonist likeable or atleast relatable?
  3. How can I tidy up my action lines? (Should I be editing these as I go along or should I do this after a complete first draft?
  4. How can I ensure I give each character a unique voice without delving into being quite sweary and potty mouthed (I am unsure if I am thinking of this in the right sense?)
  5. What advice would you give me to keep in mind for Act 2?
  6. I know that at the end of the story I want the main character to be redeemed (in a being less selfish and more of a protector way) but I wondered if I've made him a little too good at the start?
Sorry, @scrawlx1012 : I managed 4 and a half pages before I had to give up.
  1. Does my story have a clear conflict? No.
  2. Is my protagonist likeable or atleast relatable? I've no idea - there's no obvious protagonist
  3. How can I tidy up my action lines? (Should I be editing these as I go along or should I do this after a complete first draft? Take several steps back, cut out all the repetition, and get rid of all the inconsistencies
  4. How can I ensure I give each character a unique voice without delving into being quite sweary and potty mouthed (I am unsure if I am thinking of this in the right sense?)
  5. What advice would you give me to keep in mind for Act 2? Don't even start on it until you've got a readable Act 1
  6. I know that at the end of the story I want the main character to be redeemed (in a being less selfish and more of a protector way) but I wondered if I've made him a little too good at the start?
As I've only covered the same ground as @mlesemann I can only make the same points, but it sounds like you're trying to describe what you can see in your mind's eye through the filter of what you've imagined is going on, and I don't think you have much real-world experience of this kind of situation.

The first "hazmat suit" episode is characteristic: if you knew how hazmat suits work you'd know that Milgram could be up to his eyes and drowing in his own sweat, but that won't show on the outside so there's no point in making any reference to it unless you write into the script an extreme close-up scene of his face. Similarly, you refer to the distinctive feel of Leon's hand on his shoulder ... but then immediately tell us that Leon is playing a video game.

Well if Leon is that distracted, how can he spare a hand to place it "distinctively" on Milgram's shoulder, and bearing in mind that inside a hazmat suit, Milgram won't really feel anything. This is essentially the same disjointed writing as before, where Davis was holding a struggling Nina, but still had a free hand to make the very delicate gesture of putting his finger to his lips.

Perhaps you'd be better off working this out as a storyboard first, adding the dialogue when you have it sketched out, and only then trying to make it into a script. If you force yourself to sketch out each scene as viewed through the camera lens, that'll stop you from getting tangled up in unhelpful descriptions.
 
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