So I read your 30 pages...
Not sure what you're trying to achieve with this script... Is it a spec that you want to eventually take to the market? If so? I think you've got some work cut out for yourself.
First off? I don't think you've got a complete first act here. With all the overwriting? I think once you've really honed it down? It'll be much shorter.
Second? I have no idea who your Protagonist is. That's not good. By the end of a first act? That should be CONCRETE. By the end of Act 1? I should have already jumped on the Protagonist's train and be willing to ride it the rest of the way.
What you've done with Archer and Schofield has really confused me... Out of NOWHERE, Archer is suspended. LOL. He's the one of the two that you've developed to have a calm head. The one who doesn't make snap decisions. The one who's got a lot of experience on the job... Then all of a sudden, via Kimber's exposition, You take him OUT of the story. We never see it happen... We just hear about it through a third party.
SHOW don't TELL.
So after you did that? I felt like you're TRYING to NOW tell me that Schofield is your Protagonist and that now? I need to jump on his train and ride it all the way to the end. The only problem? So far? I'm not really liking the guy. It's difficult for me to invest in a character I'm not really liking so far. In order to get me to like this character? Consider having him perform some selfless act probably while he's on the job.
At no time did I feel like Schofield is LOCKED into this story. You kind of try to do that when you partner him with Detective Lisa Carson... Which by the way, when you did that? You made Schofield even a bit more unlikable when you had him tell Carson to get him some coffee. LOL. Which is fine by the way... It shows us what kind of character he is but at the same time? Assuming he's your Protagonist? At some point? You've got to show us SOMETHING about him that makes him likable. You almost do it when you have him with his two little girls but I think you could have fleshed that out even more. At this point? If almost comes off as simply his obligation and or responsibility to be with them. Like he's doing it because he has to and that feeling doesn't make me like him any more... Makes me like him even less. For instance... I personally went through the divorce from Hell decades ago... My ex did whatever she could to keep me from seeing my kids on MY designated weekends and summer. She made sure they were involved in all kinds of activities to keep me from seeing them. So when I FINALLY did get to see them and spend some real time with them? I CHERISHED that TIME. I used it to learn about each one of my children. I used that time to get closer to them.
Since this is a first draft? I feel like you need to follow some traditional story structure here... But I'm not really seeing that much. You kind of show us your Protagonist's ordinary world and him dealing with an imperfect situation in his life but at the same time? I'm not too sympathetic toward him either. I feel like this could be fleshed out a little more.
Thus far? You haven't HOOKED ME into this story. So far? I feel like I've seen stuff like this happening before. It feels familiar... Like I've seen bits and pieces of it from other movies and or television shows. You might want to try to figure out a MASSIVE HOOK at the beginning to really compel your reader to STAY HOOKED.
I don't think Shofield is fully invested here either... I'm just not feeling like anything he's going through is PERSONAL ENOUGH... i.e., it could have just as easily been Shofield who was taken off the case instead of Archer and who would care?
Which makes me NOW think that maybe there needs to be something personal going on between Ricky and Shofield. Some past story between these two that makes his involvement even more personal. Maybe someone close to Ricky was murdered and or raped and Schofield never solved the case... Although that? In and of itself is a bit cliché so if you do something like that? Try to make it different than what we're used to seeing. Maybe someone CLOSE to him was lost by thugs like these. Think LAW ABIDING CITIZEN. Watch that film to see where I'm coming from. Thus far? I feel like he could simply walk away from all this no worse for wear and if that's true? Then he's not that great of an Antagonist.
Where's the inciting incident?
Your Protagonist needs an inciting incident that draws HIM into the story. Schofield is a homicide detective. This is his ordinary world SO FAR. You've got Ricky being somewhat creative with his torturing and killing but again... I'm not feeling like Ricky's truly DEDICATED to what he's doing. I'm not getting that this is something he's agonized over before putting into action. Why is he killing these thugs? Why is he torturing them? Just because they deserve it? That's fine but there needs to be MORE to it that that.
Assuming Schofield is in fact your Protagonist? You've got to reveal both strengths and flaws during your first act... I see his flaws... He's a whiner. He's a drinker. He's pissed at his ex-wife. He sleeps around. He treats his new partner like a rookie.
All fine but what are his strengths?
What does your Protagonist stand to LOSE or GAIN here? So far? All I'm getting is that this is just another day in the life of Homicide Detective Shofield. I'm not seeing anything HE stands to LOSE or GAIN from this story and that's because there's nothing PERSONAL really going on between him and your Antagonist, Ricky.
Ricky hasn't really done anything (although his actions are brutal) in my opinion, that serves up as a REAL call to action for Schofield. So far? This is just another day on the job.
I've also attached the script with a few yellow sticky notes I made as I read. I didn't keep pointing out every problem I found except maybe your use of parentheticals. You can read about them.
I think you could have the makings of a good story here but I do think it needs to be developed a bit more in order to make us LIKE Schofield and want to keep watching him.
Good luck with it!
*NOTE: There's a part in your script where you have Ricky talking to Melvin but you make a mistake and have Jay react... That took me completely OUT of your story. That was a major mistake that really made me want to stop reading. Definitely get that resolved.
Ok, lots to address then. Not able to view the sticky notes you've done for me on my phone. Will run through them on my laptop when I get chance.
Just picking up some of the other points made.
Re: the protaganist. Like I said at the beginning of the post, I want Ricky and Schofield to be co-antoganist/protaganist characters. I know that's a bit unconventional in terms of a screenplay formula (outside of romance feautures) but it worked in Heat and that was the angle I was going for. I want the audience to ride both stories, and almost be confused at times as to who's side their on. That's why I've given Ricky more appeal than Schofield to begin with as the normal convention would be to root for the good guy.
I agree I don't think I've shown enough of Schofield's redeeming side though, was saving that for later in the story but you're right, think I need to show some in the first act as maybe I've made him too unlikeable.
Ok, the Archer disappearance is done that way as part of a twist to come later in the story. He hasn't really been suspended, it is part of a plan. Perhaps I can include a scene showing Archer leaving, while making it ambiguous so that it appears he is being suspended?
I'm a bit unsure what kind of thing you are referring to when you say a massive HOOK. Can you give me an example? Something that I could potentially use in this story? The hook I was going for is the website and Ricky's unhinged personality.
Incidentally, the discovery of the website (and what Ricky was up to) was meant to be the first inciting incident. I guess that didn't work for you then?
The first act turning point is the realisation that Ricky has already captured many of the people from the list and is keeping them prisoner. Upping the urgency for the detectives to find him and rescue the victims before he kills them off one by one for prime time viewing.
Regarding Ricky, and why he's doing what he does, that reveal will come in the next act. I would struggle to fit all that into the first act and it doesn't seem relevant to the setup of the story to put it there to me. Similarly, the relationship between Schofield and Ricky, that is part of the story that develops over the course of the film. I think in most cop v killer films, the beginning doesn't explore any direct relationship since they don't know who the other is to begin with.
Well spotted on the Jay/Melvin mix-up. Will change that now.
Thanks for the notes. I will go over the stickies and see what I can imrove. I have also managed to cut 3 pages out of this draft so far from Mara and Sfoster's advice.