I'm not good with self publication, or making my opinions seem important. For years, I've tried in vain to become someone worthy of listening to. To become a role-model. To become a guru.
I don't know if this was because I wanted fame, or more because (at least I think) to be appreciated for my abilities. My entire life I've been trying to gain appreciation, acceptance, praise. Could be vanity. Probably is. Now I can't help but feeling this has been holding me back for a long time.
Yesterday, I attended my own Q&A event highlighting me as a filmmaker while screening one of my favorite films "Dances with Wolves". Needless to say, no one showed. At first, I was relieved. I had built this event up for months, making myself more nervous as it got closer. Wondering what I would say, what people would think of me, the standard anxiety inducing thoughts.
When no one showed, I felt a wave of brief relief! I didn't have to worry what people would think, or how I would look anymore. I think the people who marked the venue felt a little sorry for me. But I told them not to worry about it. I'm not at that level anyway. I had no business being in that setting.
This got me really thinking on the drive back home... I've been focused on the thing everyone else wants, and not what I want.
I've never cared about fame/fortune/Hollywood stardom. I've only ever wanted to be appreciated for my dreams. This is why I will never find success. I don't want it bad enough. Putting myself into Q&A's, public speaking, meetings, marketing sessions, in the public eye won't work because I don't want anything more than to hear "good work!".
So, I guess I need to really shift my thinking. I want to make things worthy of the silver screen. I want to make things that bring tears to my eyes. The swell of music, imagery, acting combine to create that feeling I'm looking for.
I think I need to avoid this entrepreneurial mindset. The business side is important, but I can't support it right now. I am not ready for it. So, I will continue making art... But while I do, my mindset needs to shift from attention/praise to the expression of the emotion I am going for.
I think with all the youtube channels, internet articles, its great to have... But it's becoming a practice of planning for the cart before the horse. The cart being the business/money, and the horse being the emotional connection to the piece.
What about you people? Did you ever feel like you were in this for the wrong reason? Did you ever feel the need to shift your thinking style toward your projects? I'd love to talk about your process, and how you got to where you are now.
I don't know if this was because I wanted fame, or more because (at least I think) to be appreciated for my abilities. My entire life I've been trying to gain appreciation, acceptance, praise. Could be vanity. Probably is. Now I can't help but feeling this has been holding me back for a long time.
Yesterday, I attended my own Q&A event highlighting me as a filmmaker while screening one of my favorite films "Dances with Wolves". Needless to say, no one showed. At first, I was relieved. I had built this event up for months, making myself more nervous as it got closer. Wondering what I would say, what people would think of me, the standard anxiety inducing thoughts.
When no one showed, I felt a wave of brief relief! I didn't have to worry what people would think, or how I would look anymore. I think the people who marked the venue felt a little sorry for me. But I told them not to worry about it. I'm not at that level anyway. I had no business being in that setting.
This got me really thinking on the drive back home... I've been focused on the thing everyone else wants, and not what I want.
I've never cared about fame/fortune/Hollywood stardom. I've only ever wanted to be appreciated for my dreams. This is why I will never find success. I don't want it bad enough. Putting myself into Q&A's, public speaking, meetings, marketing sessions, in the public eye won't work because I don't want anything more than to hear "good work!".
So, I guess I need to really shift my thinking. I want to make things worthy of the silver screen. I want to make things that bring tears to my eyes. The swell of music, imagery, acting combine to create that feeling I'm looking for.
I think I need to avoid this entrepreneurial mindset. The business side is important, but I can't support it right now. I am not ready for it. So, I will continue making art... But while I do, my mindset needs to shift from attention/praise to the expression of the emotion I am going for.
I think with all the youtube channels, internet articles, its great to have... But it's becoming a practice of planning for the cart before the horse. The cart being the business/money, and the horse being the emotional connection to the piece.
What about you people? Did you ever feel like you were in this for the wrong reason? Did you ever feel the need to shift your thinking style toward your projects? I'd love to talk about your process, and how you got to where you are now.