So... what do you think?

[gorillaonabike]

Everyones first feature is terrible so my thought process is just to write something ultra low budget, easy to shoot and get it done. I'm dreading the terrible movie this will be (just like my first, ever short, first ever music vid etc...) but need to learn so we are going for it.

What do you think of the first few pages of the screenplay so far? Note that the formatting went all over the place when I cut and pasted and the directions are general. I'm also not the type of director to want the actors to say exactly what is on the page. Rather, I'd prefer them to improv a little based around their idea of the character.

Stylistically, this is a British gritty, drama.




INT. SCENE – DESCRIPTION. EARLY MORNING
Beth steps out of a bedroom pulling on a robe, stepping
into a complete mess. Half-crushed, empty cans of beer, overflowing ashtrays, an empty bottle of vodka, a half-eaten kebab, vomit and the kind of mess you saw every time you visited ‘Brad,’ that stoner friend. In the middle of this is a handicapped man lying on the floor with a wheelchair next to him. Beth moves to right the wheelchair and picks up the man, scooping a German Shepherd puppy at the same time.

BETH
Pete. Pete. Can you hear me? Are you OK?

PETE
Go away.

BETH
I can’t leave you here like this.

PETE
Leave me be.

BETH
Come here, baby.

PETE
Put me down, leave me be. Fuck off.

BETH
It’s OK Pete, it’ll be alright, I’ll take care of
you.

PETE
Put me down, leave me be. Fuck off.

BETH
I got you, I’ve got you.

PETE
Piss off. You don’t give a shit. Nobody gives a fuck about me.

BETH
For better or for worse, richer or poorer [As she struggles to pick him up].

PETE
Stop saying that shit. No-one loves me. No-one. I’m just fucking nothing. You don’t love me.

BETH
I do love you, I’m trying alright. 1, 2, 3 heave.

INT. SCENE - DESCRIPTION
Beth manages to get him into bed despite his protests, cleans up the horrendous mess in the flat, pets the puppy. In the kitchen, she stops in front of a picture of a Greek island, azure sea, beautiful view. She runs her hand over it the way your stoner friend would run his hand over a kilo of hash. She breaks away and the next scene, she is leaving the flat walking away to work.

BETH
I gotta go to work now. Need to open up the Centre.

PETE
Piss off. You don’t give a shit.

BETH
You know I love you.

PETE
Yeah, right. Nobody gives a fuck about me.

BETH
I’ve left puppy food out. Just remember to take him out.

PETE
Fuck you.




OPENING CREDITS – BETH LEAVING THE FLAT, WALKING TO WORK, ARRIVING AT THE SOUL PLACE YOUTH CENTRE

INT. SCENE - DESCRIPTION
Teenagers are in the community centre joshing around and the place is a scene of controlled chaos. Some of them acknowledge her and a couple indicate how attractive she is.


BOBBY
Hey man, I’d give her some community care anytime.

JOSEPH
No way man, I already had her and she was rubbish.

INT. SCENE - DESCRIPTION
Beth walks into a back room where she is greeted by Malcolm.

BETH
Sorry I’m late Malc, I owe you again.

MALC
You do, you do.

BETH
I don’t know what I’d do without you.

MALC
No problem. Was he being a little problematic again?

BETH
Yeah, but no more than usual.

MALC
Beth, you know… you know my thoughts on this.

BETH
I know, I know. But it is what it is. And I’m dealing with it.

MALC
I entirely understand but as your colleague and friend…

BETH
Sure, I get it, you think I should leave him but I’ve got it. I don’t need that kind of advice or help.

MALC
I understand he was in the accident and you are feeling guilty, but I really think you should walk away.

BETH
Look, he can’t walk away and I’ll look after him. He’s my husband.

MALC
But how long can you keep this up for?

BETH
Forever.

MALC
Excuse me.

BETH
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. I’m just… look I really appreciate you helping me out but I’m OK. Really.

MALC
Really?

BETH
Really. I mean it. Look, I appreciate your help and I’m sorry for snapping.

MALC
Apology accepted.

BETH
I appreciate it and you’ve been a great friend.

MALC
I’m just concerned about you. It’s been three years since the accident and his behavior is intolerable. If anything, he’s worse.

BETH
I know and I understand you care. But I married him for better or for worse and that’s just how it is.

MALC
But his pure hatred of everything, including you, it’s unhealthy. And maybe you shouldn’t have married him in the first place because just maybe you were too young…

BETH
Look, don’t go there Malc. I know how it is, but that’s just the roll of the dice. I’m just dealing with life.

MALC
Anyhow, it’s your turn now. Those kids are waiting for you out there. Get out there and save them all.

BETH
Just the ones that deserve it.

MALC
[Under his breath as she walks away] But save yourself, first.

INT. SCENE - DESCRIPTION

Beth walks out into the group of mainly teenage boys who are joshing around. A few of them are playing pool and greet her.

CHARLIE
You good?

BETH
Good. How’re you?

JAMAL
How you doing?

BOBBY
Hey, Beth.

BETH
Bobby.

BOBBY
You know, if you really cared about us teenagers, you’d give us a little bit of, you know, proper care. You know what I mean?

BETH
Bobby.

BOBBY
You know we got it hard.

BETH
You know that’s not OK. You know you can’t talk to women like that. It’s disrespectful. Stop or I’ll chuck you out.

BOBBY
Hey, I’m just being nice. You know I’d go to the ends of the earth for you.

BETH
Well if you do go there, it will save me the trouble of throwing you out. And take your hand off your dick before I chop it off.

BOBBY
Hey, Beth. You know I’m just playing with you.


TEENAGERS
[Laughing, making jokes at Bobby’s expense.] You got cussed.

JAMAL
Hey, Beth. You know he don’t mean shit. It’s just Bobby talking.

BETH
Well Bobby will get his dick chopped off if he continues talking like that.

CHARLIE
If anyone can find it.

BOBBY
Hey man, whose side are you on?


BETH
The side of being smart. Excuse me. [Turns towards a mother and daughter who have arrived]. Hello Chantelle, hello Paris. Paris, how are you? How is everything?


PARIS
K

CHANTELLE
She’s been through a hard time. Go ahead with the nice youth worker woman.

BETH
How have you been feeling Paris?

PARIS
K

BETH
Let’s go back to the office in the back, come with me.


INT. SCENE - DESCRIPTION

As Beth walks Paris towards the back, all hell breaks loose. Police officers run in, kids dash everywhere shouting ‘Pigs, Feds, get the fuck out. Fuck the feds’ the same your stoner friend would if he was raided and more importantly if he could get off the sofa.

Beth starts moving forward in amongst the chaos. Two officers grab Bobby, wrestle him to the ground while a plain-clothes detective approaches Beth.


PLAIN CLOTHES OFFICER
Step back, get back.

BETH
What’s going on? What the hell is going on?

PLAIN CLOTHES OFFICER
Leave it to us, it’s all under control.



BETH
You know you’re not allowed in here without calling me first. We had a deal. What are you doing?

PLAIN CLOTHES OFFICER.
I don’t know what you’re talking about. Calm down, step back.

BETH
Don’t tell me to calm down.

PLAIN CLOTHES OFFICER
Have you got him?

POLICE OFFICERS
You have the right to remain silent… [reading Bobby his rights while cuffing him]

BOBBY
Get off me, get the fuck off me feds.

PLAIN CLOTHES OFFICER
Calm down, calm down. Step back.

BOBBY
Ow, you’re hurting me, ow, police harassment. Ow, that hurts so much.

BETH
You’re hurting him. What are you doing?

PLAIN CLOTHES OFFICER
Step back or I’ll taze you

POLICE OFFICERS
[Continue reading rights, subduing Bobby]


BOBBY
Ow, ow, don’t let them do this to me. Help me, they’re hurting me, it’s really hurting. They’re breaking my arm.

BETH
Stop it, don’t hurt him

PLAIN CLOTHES OFFICER
Don’t touch me. This is your last warning. Step back or I will taze you.


BETH
Don’t you touch me.

BOBBY
Ow, the pain. Get off me.


PLAIN CLOTHES OFFICER
Calm down, stay back, do not touch me or I will use my tazer.

BETH
Get out of my way.

INT. SCENE - DESCRIPTION

Beth tries to push the officer out of the way and gets tazed. She performs an electric version of the chicken dance, falls to the floor. She’s going to feel that in the morning.




EXT. to INT. SCENE - DESCRIPTION
Establishing shot of Marseille then switches to the interior of a flat. A couple of topless women are cutting white powder. A man is ordering them around in French.

BOSS
You’ll be ready.

PHILIPPE
Yes.

BOSS
I wasn’t asking a question.

PHILIPPE
Understood.

INT. SCENE - DESCRIPTION
A police siren goes off outside and they all stop together, momentarily, resuming work as it goes on again in the distance

BOSS
We finish cutting, we get it over to England where they pay top dollar. Not cut too much. Just right. The English pay big money and it needs to be good enough.


PHILIPPE
Understood.

BOSS
And this time, Philippe. I want you there with the English. Do you understand? You will make it happen.

PHILIPPE
You want me to be there? Why?

BOSS
Because your man is using kids. I saw it last time.

PHILIPPE
But kids they are good. Kids cannot be police.

BOSS
He’s doing it to save money. Kids are cheap and it makes him more money but kids are stupid. They make mistakes. They are not… professional.

PHILIPPE
And you want me to keep an eye on them?

BOSS
No, Philippe. I want you to tell the son of a bitch to get fucking professional or no more deals. You understand?

PHILIPPE
And if he doesn’t?

BOSS
You will make him understand. Tu comprends?

PHILIPPE
Je comprends.


BOSS
Do you trust me Philippe? Really, do you?

PHILIPPE
Yes, I trust you.

BOSS
But do you really trust me? With everything we have been through, do you still question me? You remember Thailand? You remember Columbia? How many other people could’ve done what I did?

PHILIPPE
Nobody else.

BOSS
Do you fear me as well Philippe?

PHILIPPE
That is between me and God.

BOSS
Good. Now, we eat. Make sure they finish and afterwards…

PHILIPPE
After?

BOSS
I have something to do.

PHILIPPE
[Shouts instructions at a thug overseeing the work.] This way.

 

[Theauteur14]

First off what's with this "everyone's first feature is bad" b.s? There have been too many directors that have made great films their first time out (Spielberg, The Coen Brothers, Sam Ramini, Jason Reitman, Christopher Nolan, Quentin Taratino, Sofia Coppola, etc, etc, etc). I am in pre production of my directorial feature film debut and I am working hard everyday to make so that it is not bad. You should too. You saying that is just a cop out so that you can make something bad. Don't make those excuses.

And it's not bad. The dialogue just seems stale to me. Liven it up a little bit. Unless you are just going to use it as a base and allow improv.

 

[mlesemann]

I'm with Theauteur14 - there have been good/great first features. And if you're going to do it, you damn well need to go at it with a positive attitude.

I also think the dialogue is a bit stale, and a bit wordy as well. I think you can tighten it up.

More important - I think it would be far more interesting & attention-grabbing if you start with the Marseille/drug scene, rather than a fairly standard waking up in the morning scene.

 

[mad_hatter]

Hi Gorilla,

What exactly is it you’re looking for feedback on? The story itself? The dialogue?

As it stands, I can picture this playing out, but to do so I’m having to fill in a lot of blanks. You’ve written a lot of dialogue, but very little action. Breaking up the dialogue with some action, having the characters do something, instead of only presenting their dialogue, may make this easier/more enjoyable to read.

The action that you have written could probably be a bit more specific too. In the first action block, you refer to the ‘handicapped man’ – for me, it would be preferable to identify him as Pete here (assuming he is Pete – in context it seems obvious that that’s him, but you don’t actually make it abundantly clear). At this point, Beth picks him up, as well as picking him up too. You should probably make this more specific too; as written, Beth may well be holding Pete in a fireman’s carry over her shoulder, with the puppy tucked under one arm. I assume she isn’t. I picture her helping him up into his wheelchair. If that’s the case, you should probably write that.

In general, the dialogue feels alright. I think the fact that there is no action, makes the characters feel like talking heads, so they somewhat lack personality. Once the police turn up, the dialogue feels a little awkward. Not sure why; perhaps it just feels unnatural...

Of course, you don’t have to write every single little thing that everybody does, but I feel there is a fine line to tread between telling the reader exactly what’s happening and forcing them to make it all up for themselves. Having said all that, I understand you’re hoping for some level of improv from your actors, so perhaps my advice is invalid (???).

Best of luck!

 

[WalterB]

Don't dispair!
The general notion is that the first film effort you ever undertake will likely not that good. But you're not a complete beginner anymore!
Be prepared, be creative, be flexible and be positive!
I'm sure it won't turn out to be crappy if you put your effort and skills in it.

Marseille?
Bring enough security!
(It is the ultimate pickpocket city of France...)

It would expect the police to walk in, instead of run in.
Unless there was a backdoor, there is no need to run and create chaos.

Btw, with the [ CODE ] [/CODE ] tags you can recreate the format better

 

[Filman]

Yesss, well done. The kind of stuff where you get away with a master shot and that's it. Excellent. I'd say, go out and shoot.

 

[gorillaonabike]

I'm with Theauteur14 - there have been good/great first features. And if you're going to do it, you damn well need to go at it with a positive attitude.

I also think the dialogue is a bit stale, and a bit wordy as well. I think you can tighten it up.

More important - I think it would be far more interesting & attention-grabbing if you start with the Marseille/drug scene, rather than a fairly standard waking up in the morning scene.

Thanks for the advice on scriptwriting. Interesting take and will use all of it but will need to entirely change the structure because of what follows. Having lived in Marseille, sharing a flat with a drug dealer, I forget this is impactful because for me, it was just part of my daily routine. Wake up, force my room door open, step over unconscious bodies of people I'd never seen before etc... A couple of kilos of Moroccan black sitting on the table in the middle of the apartment was just normal.

Also, for that 'damn well need...' comment, well, none of the directors TheAuteur14 named had a good first feature. Tarantino's was an unmitigated disaster and has never seen the light of day, Nolan's wasn't distribution-worthy (I have watched it in its black and white entirety), saw the 3 minutes of Spielberg's first which is all that is left and it is pretty bad etc... I have thoroughly researched this and behind every great director, without exception, there is a less-than distribution-worthy first feature often gathering dust somewhere in their private collection.

It will suck. Cinematography will be good, sound will be fine but as a whole, it will be bad and I know this. I accept this is one step on the road to success but it doesn't mean I enjoy failure. It is simply a necessary step to get where I want to be which is a top level director / producer working on big budget productions.

 

[AudioPostExpert]

Everyones first feature is terrible ...

As a general rule, that's correct. Just looking at the raw odds, there's no reason beyond just a learning experience or to be able to say one has made a feature length film, for anyone ever to embark on making a feature length film, because generally, hardly anyone beyond the filmmaker (+ cast, crew, family and friends) will ever see it, or want to. This is especially true of nano budget amateur filmmakers. So, why do people bother? They bother because they think/believe they can beat the raw odds. Commonly, this belief is based on nothing more than delusional fantasy, which we've directly witnessed here on IT more than once!

Even delusional fantasy succeeds as a filmmaking basis on extremely rare occasions, it just means, in practice, a starting point of even worse than the raw odds! Most of those listed who are now famous directors did create barely watchable films at the very start but improved dramatically by rapidly learning how to manipulate the odds more in their favour by, amongst other things, learning to maximise the efficiency of their budgets, getting extremely experienced pros in the most key positions and cutting corners wisely. As others have said, you've been here a while, you've walked the walk (at least with shorts) with some measure of success and while you've obviously still got a lot to learn, you appear to be closer towards being able to employ a budget wisely than towards pure delusional fantasy. So, you've already weighted the odds in your favour, although if by enough, I couldn't say beyond the obvious: "Probably not".

You appear to be making the same basic mistake as many intelligent amateur filmmakers with some filmmaking experience, knowledge of the odds and a small budget. IE. Hoping it might be good, realising it almost certainly won't be but taking away at least a learning experience from it. The end result is most likely to be: A film which is watchable by enough to give it some minimal commercial value, which you may waste valuable time trying to realise and, a compromised learning experience. Something maybe worth considering is to focus your goal/s, rather than having vague and inevitably compromised goals: If you are looking at this first feature as purely a learning experience, then whether it's a terrible film or not is irrelevant, the only thing that's relevant is how much you learn and improve from it. There's nothing to "dread" except not rapidly gaining substantial additional filmmaking skill/knowledge. In other words, you don't need feedback on whether your script is a good film script, you just need a script which provides the opportunity for the best learning experience with the time and money you wish to allocate to this learning experience.

G

 

[mlesemann]

originally posted by gorillaonabike
Also, for that 'damn well need...' comment, well, none of the directors TheAuteur14 named had a good first feature.

I'm very proud (still) of my first feature, Surviving Family. While I didn't direct it (I wrote & produced), it was the director's first feature as well. It's far from perfect, and my 2nd is better (Detours, not yet publicly available), but it continues to rent/sell well, and get good reviews on Amazon (if you have access to that in London, you can read for yourself). And very few of the viewers are aware that it was our first feature.

I'm not saying your feature will be great, and there's a good chance it won't be commercially successful, but I DO think it's essential to approach every project with optimism. On the other hand, I've been called delusional before

 

[WalterB]

............

I'm not saying your feature will be great, and there's a good chance it won't be commercially successful, but I DO think it's essential to approach every project with optimism. On the other hand, I've been called delusional before

This +1

There still a large range between 'not great' and 'total crap'.
Just aim for the best result feasable and 'judge' the outcome later.*

* Always be critical during the proces, but stay away from the 'I'm baking a tird vibe'

APE worded it pretty well as well

 

[directorik]

I have thoroughly researched this and behind every great director, without exception, there is a less-than distribution-worthy first feature often gathering dust somewhere in their private collection.

While the odds are against a first feature being excellent your research is incomplete.

Tarantino's first feature never saw the light of day because the negative was destroyed.
Not because it is terrible. It may have been less-than distribution-worthy but is that a
fair comparison? It may have been quite good. Are you talking about the film Spielberg
made when he was 17 for $500? Frankly I don't think that film qualifies as a first
feature even though it is technically feature length. It was made by a 17 year old with
his friends in his neighborhood.

I, too, have done some research on first features. I came to a different conclusion; many
great directors have made distribution worthy first features. John Carpenter (Dark Star),
Lawrence Kasdan (Body Heat), John Sayles (Return of the Secaucus 7), Guy Ritchie (Lock,
Stock and Two Smoking Barrels), Martin McDonagh (In Bruges), Tim Burton (Pee-wee's
Big Adventure), Sam Raimi (The Evil Dead). Even Nolan's "Following" (which you say
wasn't distribution-worthy) was distributed in theaters and made $240,000 on a $6,000
budget. Hell, it made $44,000 in only two theaters in the US.

I'm not trying to change your mind - it is already set. I'm only pointing out that a first
feature CAN be good and even successful. You're might suck. Especially if you go into it
knowing it will. So I believe you have the right idea; make an ultra-low-budget first feature
and be done with it. THEN make a good movie.

 

[sfoster]

Don't forget Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck.
His first feature - The Lives of Others - was great and widely regarded as such.

It was so good that he got the priviledge of working with depp and jolie for his second feature.
Of course this is a guy that spent a long time honing his art on shorts before moving to features.

 

[gorillaonabike]

While the odds are against a first feature being excellent your research is incomplete.

Tarantino's first feature never saw the light of day because the negative was destroyed.
Not because it is terrible. It may have been less-than distribution-worthy but is that a
fair comparison? It may have been quite good.

.....

I'm not trying to change your mind - it is already set. I'm only pointing out that a first
feature CAN be good and even successful. You're might suck. Especially if you go into it
knowing it will. So I believe you have the right idea; make an ultra-low-budget first feature
and be done with it. THEN make a good movie.

I would challenge what you said about first time film makers as I know that someone on your list has a feature gathering dust and Tarantino's first film was terrible. For example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVE296BvOj4 - Tarantino says it himself.

However, at my stage, I would be delusional to believe it will be good.

Otherwise, I will go into shooting the feature with a specific state of mind that I use when going into a major project. It's not this 'positivity,' thing you speak of, rather it's something else far more effective, sophisticated and focused to squeeze as best a result as possible. If I were genuinely 'positive,' I would simply liquidate my assets and short term earnings and throw everything into this movie. That would be positive and also stupid. Rather, I am circumspect and what I want is:

- Get the best possible within the budgetary constraints I have put into place
- Learn about the process which must be different for a feature than a short. Is it different? I have no idea. I need to find out.
- Lay the foundations for investors. I have people who would put cash in but before approaching them, I want a feature under my belt.

What I know:

- I know what it takes to get sound / images that can play in a cinema. I've done this successfully and know where I want to set the bar.
- The state of mind I need to be in to obtain tremendous results. 'Positivity' is strange as it has too many limitations. There are more sophisticated mindsets to obtain the best, possible results.

Success is making a million dollars profit from a movie.

 

[sfoster]

Tarantino's first film was terrible. For example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVE296BvOj4 - Tarantino says it himself.

Anorexic girls say they're fat. Doesn't mean they are.

 

[directorik]

I would challenge what you said about first time film makers as I know that someone on your list has a feature gathering dust and Tarantino's first film was terrible.

Not really a challenge, is it? One out of nine examples. And neither of us
know if it would have been distribution worthy. Only thing we KNOW is that
the reason it didn't get distribution was that it was never finished. But you
win on this example.

What about the other first features I mentioned? Most of those met your
criteria of success. Again, I'm not trying to change your mind - only show
that your research that found that behind every great director, without
exception, there is a less-than distribution-worthy first feature often gathering
dust somewhere in their private collection is incorrect. There are exceptions.
Many of them. My list barely touched the successful first features.

Back on point:

- Get the best possible within the budgetary constraints I have put into place
- Learn about the process which must be different for a feature than a short. Is it different? I have no idea. I need to find out.
- Lay the foundations for investors. I have people who would put cash in but before approaching them, I want a feature under my belt.

Excellent plan. When do you think you can shoot?

 

[Theauteur14]

I don't get it, why are so being so negative to yourself? You need to realize that if you really do believe it will be bad then it will be awful. And there is no reason to make something that will be bad.

You mentioned Nolan's first film. I enjoyed Following and many critics did (80% on Rotten Tomatoes). That film cost $6,000. That's why he is where is now.

Here is a list of directors making good first films.

Christopher Nolan, Following: 80%
Jason Reitman, Thank you for smoking: 86%
Steven Spielberg, Duel: 87%
Martin Scorsese, Who Knocking at my door?: 71%
Ridley Scott, The Duelists: 91%
Terrence Malick, Badlands: 98%
Stanley Kubirck, Fear and Desire: 83%
Michael Winterbottom, Butterfly kiss: 77%
Kevin Smith, Clerks: 88%
Robert Rodriguez, El Mariachi: 93%
Woody Allen: What's up Tiger Lilly?: 83%
Clint Eastwood, Kelly's Heroes: 80%
Steven Soderbergh, Sex, lies, and a videotape: 98%
Neil Labute, The company of men: 89%
Spike Lee, She's gotta have it: 93%
Tim Burton, Pee Wee's great adventure: 88%
David Gordon Green, George Washington: 84%
Judd Apatow, 40 year old virgin: 85%
Spike Jonze, Being John Malkovich: 93%
John Lasster, Toy Story: 100%
Brad Bird, The Iron Giant: 96%
The Coen Brothers, Blood Simple: 94%
Sam Raimi, The Evil Dead: 95%
Guillermo del Toro, Cronos: 89%
Hayao Miyazaki, Warriors of the wind: 87%
Paul Thomas Anderson, Hard Eight: 83%
Richard Linklater, Slacker 80%
Sofia Copploa, The Virgin suicides: 76%
Edward Zwick, About Last Night: 61%
Cameron Crowe, Say Anything: 98%
James Ponsoldt, Off the Black: 65%
The Wachowski siblings, Bound: 92%
Jay Roach, Austin Powers international man of mystery: 70%
Gary Ross, Pleasantville: 85%
Steve McQueen, Hunger: 90%
Alexander Payne, Citizen Ruth: 80%
David O Russell, Spanking the Monkey: 91%
Francis Ford Coppola, Dementia 13: 65%
George Lucas, THX1138: 88%
Alfonso Cuaron, Solo Con Tu Pareja: 67%
Alejandro González Iñárritu, Amores Perros : 92%
Kathryn Bigelow, Vida Sin Rumbo: 92%

And the list goes on, and on, and on.

 

[maz]

Sam Mendes won an Oscar for his first movie...

On the script extract: far too wordy (and that's as someone who likes wordy scripts )

A few notes on realism: UK police have to tell a suspect what they're being arrested for before informing them of their right to remain silent etc. Also, it's highly unlikely that police would taze an unarmed person no matter how close they were getting. Another officer would just restrain her if necessary (at the point that the tazing happens, the suspect would presumably already be in handcuffs, so no longer needs to be restrained by two officers).

Actually, that's another problem with the script - not enough action description, too much dialogue.

 

[gorillaonabike]

Don't dispair!
The general notion is that the first film effort you ever undertake will likely not that good. But you're not a complete beginner anymore!
Be prepared, be creative, be flexible and be positive!
I'm sure it won't turn out to be crappy if you put your effort and skills in it.

Marseille?
Bring enough security!
(It is the ultimate pickpocket city of France...)

It would expect the police to walk in, instead of run in.
Unless there was a backdoor, there is no need to run and create chaos.

Btw, with the [ CODE ] [/CODE ] tags you can recreate the format better

I played rugby in Marseille and saw my first gunfight there. I was so close, I could've reached out to touch the closest guy with the gun.

I will put a massive effort into my first feature but I need to buff the screenplay and story. Dialogue needs to snap a little more but I disagree with everyone regarding writing scene descriptions. If anything, I keep scene descriptions to an absolute minimum.

 

[mlesemann]

originally posted by gorillaonabike:
I keep scene descriptions to an absolute minimum.

I'm not a big fan of them either. Will you use a shot list or storyboards to plan out the scenes when you shoot it?

 

[maz]

I disagree with everyone regarding writing scene descriptions. If anything, I keep scene descriptions to an absolute minimum.

Fair enough as you're making it yourself, but if you're asking people to read it then a bit of action description to show how the dialogue connects to what's going on in the scene is a courtesy if nothing else - we don't have access to the visuals in your head.

For example:

BETH
You know you’re not allowed in here without calling me first. We had a deal. What are you doing?

PLAIN CLOTHES OFFICER.
I don’t know what you’re talking about. Calm down, step back.

BETH
Don’t tell me to calm down.

PLAIN CLOTHES OFFICER
Have you got him?

POLICE OFFICERS
You have the right to remain silent… [reading Bobby his rights while cuffing him]

BOBBY
Get off me, get the fuck off me feds.

PLAIN CLOTHES OFFICER
Calm down, calm down. Step back.

BOBBY
Ow, you’re hurting me, ow, police harassment. Ow, that hurts so much.

BETH
You’re hurting him. What are you doing?

PLAIN CLOTHES OFFICER
Step back or I’ll taze you

POLICE OFFICERS
[Continue reading rights, subduing Bobby]


BOBBY
Ow, ow, don’t let them do this to me. Help me, they’re hurting me, it’s really hurting. They’re breaking my arm.

BETH
Stop it, don’t hurt him

PLAIN CLOTHES OFFICER
Don’t touch me. This is your last warning. Step back or I will taze you.


BETH
Don’t you touch me.

BOBBY
Ow, the pain. Get off me.


PLAIN CLOTHES OFFICER
Calm down, stay back, do not touch me or I will use my tazer.

BETH
Get out of my way.

This is difficult to decipher as I have no idea what Beth is doing. Is the policeman overreacting? What is he overreacting to? Are Beth's actions violent? Aggressive? Passive-aggressive?

A long, dynamic scene with only two action descriptions (one of which is arguably entirely redundant) makes it read more like a radio script than a blueprint for a movie.