Yurik and Danya - New Web Series Help

[Intergage]

Hey all,

First time EVER writing a script for ANYTHING. I need some feed back / pointers if I can please.

Be harsh as you want, but be fair please as it is my first time.
Here is the link to the script: https://docs.google.com/document/d/...k64pDLkRQyiT8TQ/edit?hl=en_GB&authkey=CLXRgWY


What I am aiming for in this is to give the viewers a rough outline of the characters and a very brief story line. (I'll be honest, I'm not 100% sure what the full story line is going to be yet). I don't want to give too much away the first ep but I want to give just enough away so they want to see the second ep.

Before anyone asks, yes it is a half comedy kinda thing..

Please let me know how you feel about it or any suggestions, thank you!

 

[FantasySciFi]

Formatting is important. In reading your script, I couldn't tell when you were describing actions and when (or if) characters were speaking to each other. Given what you've shared, I'm very confused. The image that forms in my mind are of two cartoon cats playing as soldiers. By the end of it, I'm still confused. I don't know anything about Yurik or Danya. I have no clue as to the plot. Reading the gist of what you wrote:

Spoiler

Danya thinks s/he's better than Yurik, which Yurik agrees is true. They are in a military game (?). They find a stockpile of guns. Danya does something crazy which pisses off Yurik.

The End. I'm not sure I'd be captivated enough to watch the second one.

Since you are planning to make this webisode, I would say go for it. As long as you know what is supposed to happen and can direct others. This is not the kind of format you would actually use in a movie or TV script. There are examples on the Internet that you can check out.

My suggestion is that you make it, post it to Youtube, then come back and post your link in the Screening Room forum to get some feedback on it. The other alternative is to radically revise your script to match the standard format. Since it's short and you're producing it, I'd go with the first. There's nothing to lose by just doing it. Good luck!

 

[Intergage]

Thanks for your feed back mate.

The thing is, I have a 2 man crew basically. Me and my mate, we are both acting in it and we have a few mates that can push record for us. Me and my mate between us can edit, do the effects, create the sounds, etc.. I myself can do all these things (Not very good but good enough to look half decent)

I'm having a problem telling a story with just scenes and body movements as we are both such shit actors we don't want the characters to speak at all.. Make sounds, yes.. Speak, no..

The story is basically two guys in a post apocalyptic world and I'm thinking each ep I'll add something in as if they are looking for some type of other human life. (Eg: The Food cans)

We will see how the first ep goes anyway

P.S Can you give me a good example of how a script should be laid out?

Thank you,

 

[FantasySciFi]

If you browse this forum, you will find some really good examples of scripts.
I posted this earlier in March. This is aimed at movies (short and feature) and television.

On Mediafire, I have a few files that may help you.

This is a Word 7 template file:
http://www.mediafire.com/file/xtf159... Format.dotx

You will also hear mention of a free application called CeltX and various screenwriting software programs. They are quite powerful but not essential to getting started. However, professionals will often use these specialized products because they do offer some powerful features. The British Writers Guild also offers a free Word template which is quite sophisticated (Smart Gold). Frankly, like the packages mentioned above, it is overkill for just getting started. However, you don't need Word, just a word processor for which you can set margins.

Two files that provide very useful guidance about applying the screenplay format:
(Courtesy of the British Screenwriting Group)
http://www.mediafire.com/file/nasqam...ing[1].pdf
http://www.mediafire.com/file/g06nvv...ing[1].pdf

And a useful file for writing a solid script:
(I found this on the Internet by John Winston Rainey and it is very sound advice.)
http://www.mediafire.com/file/fi0n29...T SELLS2.ppt

The first will help you format your basic script. The middle two will help you understand the conventions and underlying mechanics of scriptwriting. The last will address many of the common errors that you will often see in scripts.

Please note that most first scripts need extensive revision. Often because you are trying to tell a good story in a limited amount of space. When properly formatted, one page is approximately one minute on screen. So most scripts are between 90-120 pages (1 1/2- 2 hours). Some exceptional scripts will run to 150 pages (2 1/2 hours) but those are increasingly rare.

These cover the basic mechanics and structure of screenwriting. The other component, of course, is the actual crafting or storytelling. If you read through this group, you will gather ideas and pointers.

Best wishes on your project!

As a rule, you should avoid long narratives that "explain" your story. Given the concerns you expressed, you might in your first episode resort to a "Star Wars"-like intro. No more than 30 words in your paragraph. Something to the effect of "No one expected the Nuclear Holocaust. Condemned for life to a mining gulag, Danya and Yurik never realized it would be their salvation. It's 2035 and every day is a fight for survival. But it's a new struggle on ... " go to your title sequence "MUTANT EARTH". Now if your characters must wear masks to avoid breathing poisonous gases, they have a reason to not speak. You might have their names on their prison uniforms. If you want to have a hook for episode two, have Yurik or Danya get caught in a trap. This makes the viewer wonder--How will he escape? Who set the trap? and Why?

Just write your script without the colons.

Danya: Run and shoot into the air screaming as loud as you can

Yuirk: Lay still and not move

becomes

Danya runs, shoots into the air, and screams as loud as he can.

Yurik lies still and doesn't move.

Since there's no dialog, you don't need the other details. Good luck.

 

[Intergage]

Thanks mate, under stand now.

Going through the links posted.

Did you find the script has potential for being mildly funny at times?

 

[FantasySciFi]

Thanks mate, under stand now.

Going through the links posted.

Did you find the script has potential for being mildly funny at times?

Honestly, I was too confused by the script to be able to follow the scenes well. What I took away seemed rather more 'cat & mouse tension' than funny. It is really hard to show visual comedy unless it is over the top slapstick. Running, screaming, and crawling in a 'battle scene' doesn't suggest funny to my mind. If you had dialogue it might have given it a twist.

Now that doesn't mean as the director you can't bring out those elements. I just wasn't getting that sense from the script as you shared it. As I said, at first I thought they were two cartoon cats. The unfortunate reality is that comedy acting is much more difficult since it involves a sense of timing and delivery. Even exceptionally talented actors have a difficult time switching between drama and comedy and eventually choose one or the other. I want to encourage you to explore developing your script more clearly in that direction. Just keep in mind the challenge.

In scripts, writers use "the beat" to help with the timing. It's usually that pause just before the moment something happens or is revealed.

INT.  GARAGE - DAY
Tim and Sam enter.  

Sam moves past to a storage rack and rummages around.

Tim glances over and back to the floor.

                                      SAM
                We [u]really[/u] need to find my mom's vase.
                         (beat)
                I didn't know it had grandma's ashes in it.

Sam anxiously pushes boxes aside.  He whips around to stare at Tim.

Tim looks up, bites his lip, and turns to look away.

Sam's eyes narrow.  He storms across to Tim.  Tim desperately tries to
avoid eye contact.

With slow trepidation, Tim points to a garbage can.

                                      TIM
                 It kinda fell and, uh, broke.

....

With solid actors and a bit more visual backstory, this could be done without words. The "(beat)" here indicates a short pause in the dialogue. Good comedians naturally know when and how long to pause to get the effect. Writing comedy is equally hard.

In this digital age, electrons don't cost much. So shoot it. If you don't like what comes out, re-shoot. Have fun.