critique "Young Woman by the Window"

[kurtd]

This is the very first script I've written by myself and I would really appreciate it if you give time to share your feedbacks regarding my work.

Logline: The woman from Edward Hopper's "Young Woman by the Window" speaks an inner monologue about her love for her late husband.

This script is actually more on voice overs and narration over dialogue.

 

[directorik]

Welcome to indietalk.

A screenplay is a very specific document. What you have here might be a great
story but it's not a screenplay. Your slugline needs to indicate the location.
“FIRST MEETING” isn't a location. “PRESENT #1” isn't a location. So it's difficult
for me (a screenwriter) to offer any feedback. You have written this as a short story
using some aspects of a screenplay – this isn't something I (a director) could make
into a movie.

My suggestion is for you to read a dozen scripts and do a little research on what
a screenplay should look like.

Or...

Write this as a story if you're looking for story feedback.

 

[kurtd]

ohh thank you! this really helps so much!

 

[TheMusicBox]

I've always liked the idea of interpreting paintings and writing stories on them. I certainly like your idea of zooming out to create this impression. Can you show us a copy of the picture? I'm interested because I googled Edward Hopper but couldn't seem to find anything. I also found one by Salvador Dali, but I think it's more a girl at the window? Not sure.

Side note: I once imagined a (rather random) gothic horror murder plot based on Van Gogh's 'The Potato Eaters'. Is there poison in the tea?

 

[kurtd]

Actually it really was a painting by Salvador Dali. My mistake and here's the painting

 

[TheMusicBox]

I see. To be fair, if you were creating a homage then it shouldn't matter that she's a woman not a girl, as long as the shot actually looked like it (and I think your note at the bottom of the script explains this well enough).