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Would somebody mind looking over this draft?

R

rmatt12

Hey everybody, I'm new here, so don't be too hard on me.

Heh, "I'm new here"...guess that's kind've an invitation.

Anyway, I've been working on this concept for a feature screenplay, and I'm about 30 pages in...I guess I'm just not sure I know what I'm doing. I've been a novelist for years, so adapting my writing style has been a challenge, and all I know about writing screenplays has come from studying scripts from movies I like...I don't know, I guess what I'm asking for is two things:

1. What do you think of the concept and the story so far?
2. Is all the writing and format okay?

The concept is that a guy wakes up in a strange room after having an incredibly vivid dream about breaking up with his girlfriend-or the girlfriend in his dreams, rather, because he doesn't really know who the girl is. He has been having these dreams for some time; now, he starts slipping into the dreams while he's awake. He goes to see the "Doctor", who continues to guide him through them, as he discovers the wild relationship he has with this girl, a relationship that eventually comes full circle and ends in the breakup he saw at the beginning.

He then wakes up in a hospital bed out of a deep coma. Naturally, as soon as he can, he looks for the girl, but finds he's never met her in his life. Disheartened, he goes to the beach where he first met her in his dream, and the last thing we see is her coming into the frame, just as she did earlier in the film.

So, there's the concept, let me know what you think. and here is the script:
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B6Vp_hhWI9SKZVZ6MVVneS1fT1U

Any help or advice is greatly appreciated!
 
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Are you planning on directing and producing this yourself? If not, you need to remove all the camera/shot directions from the script-"Camera cuts to ...", "M.O.S.", etc. You will also want to tighten up the description to use present tense, active verbs. Only include what the audience sees. This isn't a novel.

You wrote:
Code: 
The camera cuts to a boy’s face. JACK KELLY, a boy just
entering adulthood, still in his carefree college days. He is
staring into the ocean vacantly, obviously trying to avoid
looking at the girl standing across from him. He has longish
brown hair, a remanent of rebellious adolescence.

The camera cuts to the girl’s face now - Kelsey Ryan. She is
a beautiful brunette, around the same age as Jack. Normally
stunning blue eyes are now clouded with sadness, and she
appears to be on the verge of tears. She is staring almost
imploringly at Jack, who still refuses to meet her gaze.

What it should say:
Code: 
JACK KELLY (20) has long brown hair.  He stares into the ocean 
and avoids looking at the girl standing across from him.  

KELSEY RYAN (19) is a beautiful brunette.  Her blue eyes are 
misty and are on the verge of tears as she stares at Jack.

No, it's not poetic but it is what the audience sees on the screen. Being "misty and on the verge of tears" implies sadness perhaps anger. We already know he's avoiding her gaze. "Carefree college days" sounds early 20s. These short segments define 'shots', a shot of Jack then a shot of Kelsey. It is up to the director to decide how he wants to frame them. Yes, in some scripts you will see this more narrative form, but it is by writer/directors (they produce and direct their own scripts). If you want someone else to make your script, you need to be more Spartan in your narrative description.

I thought the dialogue was long, tedious and basically repeated for the first four pages. While your descriptions have overinflated your pages, a basic guide is that one page of script is one minute of screen time. Four minutes of back and forth "we're just wrong for each other" is too much. Have one page then she turns and leaves.

It might be a good story, but to be honest, I was bored reading past page 8 and stopped at page 10. You need to do something to pick up the pace. I'm not one where you have to blow things up or have action immediately to catch my attention, but the dialogue drags and the flipping between scenes with no substantial action makes it feel very lifeless. The characters are very flat. Remember, it's not what you tell the reader, it's what is seen on the screen. All I see on the screen is a young man and woman going back and forth about a failed relationship without any examples or reasons. I have no reason to like either of them or care about them.

I'm sorry to be the presenter of bad news, but it doesn't work for me. Perhaps a re-write that is more substantive. Why is he inadequate for her? Have her give specific instances. This will help make them more dimensional. The scene with the child is surreal but seemingly pointless as it jumps to something unrelated. You started to draw me in and then lost me. If you jerk the audience about too much in the beginning, they lose interest. They're trying to make sense of your movie, help them.

Good luck with your re-write.
 
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Heck yes this is exactly the kind've stuff I was hoping for, I had a feeling I was doing something wrong.
Seriously, guys, I really do appreciate it. If there's one thing being a writer teaches you, it's the value of good constructive criticism. I'm gonna trash this one and start over, maybe do a little more prewriting this time. I always get so ADD when I get an idea in my head I always want to rush and start writing when I should probably take more time and get to know the characters, and to fully flush out the story in my own mind before I start.
Thanks again everybody!
 
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Watch the overuse of the Wrylies - you direct the actors too much, and some of direction you give is pretty much a given.

Also, try and watch your word choices - i.e. accoutrements. I've only heard this used when speaking about military stuff and maybe I am wrong but it just doesn't fit in when speaking of a teenager's room.

I don't mind the long break-up, I have written one similar (though I have never filmed it). Though I did get lost in the part of them going back and forth about love. It seems, to me, overdone.

Also, add a little more description to the characters - is the child like one from Children of the Corn or is it more like one from Spy Kids?
 
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rmatt12 said:
when I get an idea in my head I always want to rush and start writing when I should probably take more time and get to know the characters, and to fully flush out the story in my own mind before I start.
Click to expand...
I have a very different method.

I, too, rush to write when I get an idea in my head. I would never
wait to fully flesh out the story in my own mind before I write. I
write immediately.

What I don't do is show that first draft to people.

After I have written I go back an then flesh out the story and get
to know the characters. I would hate to lose some of that initial
creative energy because I feel I must know the characters and
have a fully fleshed out story before I even start.

All writers have a different method and waiting might be better for
you. I know many writers who spend a lot of time "pre-writing" and
it works for them.
 
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