working on script

[pen]

Hey everyone, here's the deal. my team and I aren't getting some equipment until august so we decided to put all our efforts into writing scripts till then. We already have 2-3 ideas and have a rough draft of what we wanna do but on nights like tonight when I'm alone I usually feel like writing independent ideas for future filming. So my simple question is, which of these movies seem more like something you would watch through if it lasted around 10 minutes?

short 1:

A bloody boy with ragged and ripped clothes walks through a savanna. over the course of 10 minutes it is revealed that he is searching for his girlfriend that had been kidnapped by a mysterious man who extorts him for money. He faces him and through a sword and fist fight, the protagonist almost dies but remembers what he is fighting for and gathers his strength to finish his oponnent off.

This would be quite a direct and beautiful story, the true magic would lie in the effects, colors and acrobatics.

short 2:

3 friends drive home from a road trip and their car shuts down, after checking for any problems they might know how to fix, they give up and decide to try and get a ride. that doesn't work so they agree to go in a near garage that belongs to a mall. It's the middle of the night and they all fall asleep for a moment- when they wake up, one of their friends is gone. Both of the friends freak out and decide to walk home even though its a long way. on the way they meet a couple of people that have a strange vibe and might know what happened to their friend.
thanks for the feedback, if you have any more ideas or tips on how to expand any of the scripts or add new elements, i'd love to listen!


The beauty of this piece would be in the tension between the characters and the mistery behind the missing friend.
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that's about it, i'm hoping anyone can give me any production or screenwriting tips, any advice at all or at least what you would probably enjoy more.

Anel

 

[directorik]

So my simple question is, which of these movies seem more like something you would watch through if it lasted around 10 minutes?

There is - in my opinion - something unnerving is being asked that
question. As a movie watcher I can't really know which one I would
rather watch. As a filmmaker I can't imagine asking people that
question.

Making a short is so personal to me that I only want to make a
movie that I have passion for. I don't ever ask what others want
to see - I make the short that I want to make.

They both sound fine to me. If you are more passionate about one
over the other you should make that one first. Then make the other.
Do you really want others to make that kind of decision for you?

 

[pen]

No, it's not like that but your interpretation did boggle me for a moment. I plan to make both of these happen definitely, and to be honest, I have a bit more passion for the first idea. It's just amazing to me, that observing the internet, people tend to watch gun fights, women, violence etc much more than artistic things. This is strange to me because whenever I am watching shorts and see those fake shootouts and such I tend to stop watching, it's just not in my ballpark.
So this question was purely for observational reasons.

 

[directorik]

Sorry to boggle you. I just can't answer which one I would watch.
I guess I shouldn't have even answered. Sorry about that. Hopefully
others will tell you which one they would watch.

 

[rayw]

Hi, Anel

Hmm...
A. Bloody boy (how old? Like eight years old?) on a savanna (Africa? Okay.) searches for GF (okay, maybe he's an eighteen year old man-boy) extorted for money (definitely not eight years old. What money? He's a "boy") sword and fist fights (who the eff fights with swords? what's the date/time setting?) then finishes off the opponent (kidnapper was out on the savanna, too? okay.)

B. Three buds can't fix their car breakdown, walk to nearby mall garage (but don't have cell phone coverage?) all three fall asleep at the same time (what are they sleeping on that's so comfy? I want one, too!), one disappears so the other two walk a long way home (I don't want to be their "friend"), along the way they meet strange vibe folk with a sensible answer.

Mmmm...

I take it you have access to:
- a savanna
- a "boy" of indeterminate age
- an adult to play a kidnapper
- swords
- three guys (two of which may have already been used in story A)
- a car
- side of the road + length of road to walk down, maybe some streets
- garage & mall (presumably at night)
- a strange couple (with or without doobies)

Don't have:
- hand guns
- cell phones

So, really you have four guys and a girl/woman, a car, a road, a mall, a field, two swords, no cell phones, no guns.

THAT'S what we need to write a story with.

Hmm...
Need ages for your actors.
That would help a lot.
And any other advantageous things.

This is totally do-able.
Just gotta work out some of the logic gaps.
No biggie.

 

[pen]

heh, not exactly. while I love your analysis and indeed it is grounding. These are just 2 ideas I've been working with and I see now that summarizing everything in a couple of sentences isn't nearly enough. The setting is somewhere in the 14th century. the "boy" is actually around 18 years old and the money is all of his families money which he had to steal by himself in order to keep his girlfriend alive. ok i may have misguided the savana thing, let's try.. a brown and goldish field lit by the morning sun.

and with the second video, the 3 boys do call (not sure what you call it, the place that you call to get your car towed or fixed on the spot), they say they're swamped and will try to get there in the next 2 hours. the mall was the closest spot that was lit and it began raining.
they sit in the garage and talk for a while and one by one they fall asleep.
and the friends sort of search for him by going in one direction but quickly meet some folk that look suspicious.

 

[rayw]

Second story will be much less expensive to shoot and probably more interesting.

Period love stories are... lacking an audience of appreciation.
Whereas there's always a healthy market for a good horror story.

FWIW, rather than have all three fall asleep at the same time (preposterous), have all three BSing at the garage while they wait, one guy gets up to take a leak around the corner and never comes back.
MUCH more plausible.
Keep in mind that horror stories hinge on pagan guilt.
All three must be guilty of something.
Maybe they do or don't know about each other's guilt.
Less-than-perfect protagonists are fine.

- Guilty incident before or during drive home.
- Boogeyman scares driver off the road.
- Car won't start.
- Call > Rain begins> Wait in car > car gets stuffy
- Walk to garage (skip the mall) > wait > get drinks from machine
- Reveal guilty secrets and evil suspicions without too much glaring exposition.
- Gotta pee > never seen again > rain stops, they could leave now, except...
- Buddies run around building > No bud
- Hear his cries for help down the road > pursue
- Encounter The Sage(s) > they are told the tale of... ???
- Decision time: confess or die
- Both chose their separate fates > One guy confesses betraying the other guy > not forgiven
- Confessor lives > unforgiving tries to murder him > boogeyman get's him > pulled away into the dark of night
- Confessor returns to car > finds two dead buddies in car
- Turns out he's guilty of killing both of them all along.

Three act structure.

For a ten minute short you got three minutes/pages for each act.
Keep it sharp and clean.

Shoot at night and you don't have to worry about sunlight and too many rubberneckers.

 

[pen]

amazing, and awesome graph. thanks for the comments, great ideas and advice, just what I was looking for.
I am greatful rayw.