Working on a submission for College. Help?

WrittenSound · Feb 19, 2012

So, I've been working on my application to London Film Academy and I need at least 20 pages of a full-length film screenplay, or a complete short film screenplay, as well as a visual representation of my work.
I have about ten pages of a screenplay complete, and I'm working on a storyboard for one of the scenes in the screenplay, but I'm not sure if I'm doing it correctly. If anyone wouldn't mind helping me out by giving honest critiques and telling me if I'm doing anything wrong, I would be greatly appreciative!

Of Bonds And Brotherhood

Written By: Kayla Keel-Wright

(Several men push Miloh out of a bar yelling insults. One says “Your kind aren't welcome here!” and they all step back inside complaining loudly about the boy's stench. Miloh has dark brown hair and his eyes are blurry – he's been drinking heavily.
Kali steps outside [balcony] Her hair is fine, straight and blonde. Camera switches between close-ups of the two quickly. Looks more and more chaotic as the scene progresses.)

Miloh: (about to cry) Your blood is all over my hands and there's a war weighing down my heart.

Kali: (sighs) The moon is so pretty tonight. (tosses her hair) It looks... Almost... Yellow. Maybe it's God telling us, “Good Job.”

Miloh: As the dirt has been segregated from the stars, the only family I ever knew was left behind, in a grave.

Kali: “We are no longer tainted,” God will tell us when we reach his pearly gates. We will be free of the scum on earth – those who rose up from Hell with dirt stained heads.

Miloh: These chains that hold me here keep me fighting. They are loose enough that I can almost grasp the key to freedom, but tight enough to burn my wrists and remind me of the pain of our pasts...

Kali: War is inevitable – it's our right of passage! Every sentient being will clamor for destruction. It is our nature, and God has made it so. Therefore we must kill...

Miloh: War has trampled over our crops, our women, our children... give me back my brother... Please, he's the only thing I have left!

Kali: Those who wallow in pity and refuse to fight for their honor had none in the first place. Those with dirty heads have probably wasted away in their intoxication by now. My father has done a good thing... (unsure, looking down at Miloh) … Right?

Miloh: Momma died seven years ago – Dad left our family to fight before that, and he never came home... Brady... Please...

Kali: Daddy said they were barbarians... (steps back, watching Miloh intently)

Miloh: Take my arms, my legs! My friends and neighbors... Take my heart! Whatever you want, just, give him back! You TOEHEADED IDIOTS!

Kali: This... This is too much.... (crying)

Miloh: (sobbing) You're monsters! You took the only thing that mattered! … I'm sorry, brother...

Kali: No... It's our... It's my fault... That beautiful sorrow... It's all my fault... I have... I have to go! (quickly exits)

Miloh: Forgive me... (cries for a moment, looking up sharply when he feels a hand on his shoulder) Wha – (smiles sadly, reaching out) Brady....

(Brady smiles back and turns away. Fade to black as we hear Miloh's mournful cry)

(View of feet running)

Community Control: Hey! How'd you get in here? Back where you came from, filth!

(Black, then a slideshow of drawings and photos illustrating Miloh's monologue.)

Miloh: History tells us, nearly two-hundred years ago, a saint by the name of Adolf Hitler began to cleanse the world in what became known as, The Purity Act. He started by ridding the world of all Jewish-folk – but after he passed on, extremists got out of control. The only ones who survived were those with pretty, silky, beautiful blonde hair. Only recently have people with “dirty hair” been passed through mothers' wombs. It's an “epidemic”, they say. We have risen from Hell. It's a miracle that we're even still alive, though. When a blonde mother gives birth to a dirty child, it is cast out on the streets from day one. We, in the ghetto, take in as many orphans as possible – but we cannot afford to feed every hungry dirty child. However, when a dirty mother gives birth to a pure child, it is ripped from her arms and given to a “proper” family. The mother is then, often-times, shot by Community-Control for touching the child inappropriately. This is accepted as commonplace. It is what we have all learned since childhood. Our pledge to the Golden goes as follows:

(Fade in to scene – Fawns are saluting a Golden passerby)

All Fawns: “We are Dirty. We are not Worthy.”

(When the Golden are out of earshot, the Fawns relax and begin to laugh heartily.)

Joseph : Not worthy my ass, Miloh! When do we get to kick their shit to hell and back?!

Miloh: I was just promoted a few days ago. Give me time to come up with a strategy.

Joseph: Yeah, but Brady must have –

Eliza: Joseph! Stop being a jerk!

Joseph: Oh!... Sorry Miloh.

(Miloh nods in acknowledgment to Joseph's apology and stands atop a box. The scene is a back ally with multiple tents set up to make a sort of outdoor market feel. Despite obvious signs of poverty, the people here are happy.)

Miloh: (announcing) Everyone knows where we meet. The Fawns will be discussing their options due to recent events. We begin at 9.

(Many cheers are to be heard, however, Miloh quietly escapes through a door of a run down building.)

Miloh: I'm not cut out for this. I'm a doctor, not a soldier. (puts his head in his hands)

Brady: You're doing well, little brother.

Miloh: (jolting up) Brady?!

Brady: They have faith in you.

Miloh: (relaxing) But... I don't have faith in myself. I don't want to fight them.

Brady: Then heal them.

(Miloh opens his mouth to say something, but is cut off by the bell of the shop ringing as Joseph and Eliza enter.)

Joseph: Hey, who were you talking to?

Miloh: (noticing Brady isn't in the room) Oh, no one.

Eliza: Bet you're practicing for tonight, huh?

Miloh: Something like that.

Eliza: Well... Joseph has something he needs to say.

Joseph: (sarcastically) Thanks, Eliza.

(The two glare at each other for a moment before Miloh coughs and looks expectantly.)

Joseph: Uh, yeah. Look, Miloh... I know that you're grieving, and this whole thing has definitely been harder for you than anyone else, since Brady was blood family to you. I just wanted you to know, me and Collin didn't pick you because you were Brady's brother. (Pause) We chose you because, as a doctor, you see our pain as a symptom of a bigger problem. We think you can find the cure – and as Brady's brother, we know you could –

(commotion outside, hear fragments of yelling and crashing: She's Golden! Get her out of here! We'll be shot!)

Miloh: (Dashing out the door) Hold that thought!

Eliza: Wait! Miloh!

(Outside, there's a blonde girl who we recognize as Kali and a brown wig on the ground, as well as shattered dishes around a tent one of the Fawns is living in. Collin is using crutches and is wearing bandages showing signs of a recent injury.)

Kali: It's... you.

Miloh: What's going on here?

Collin: We caught sight of the blonde in it's hair – thought one of the revolutionaries hadn't washed out the dye well enough. Tried to point it out, but it freaked and ran off.

Miloh: It?

Collin: The daughter of the Military General, Kali Abner.

(A visible change is seen in Miloh's demeanor – fade to FLASHBACK)

Collin: Get out of here, Miloh! GO!

Miloh: What? Why?

Collin: Community Control found out what you're doing – You'll be the death of us. Just LEAVE!

Brady: Calm down, Collin –

Collin: How can I when THIS BRAT is so selfish that he'd –

Brady: I KNOW you're not talking about my little brother –

Collin: You know I am.

Community Control: This is it! Hurry!

Collin: (pushing Miloh) Shit, shit, SHIT!

Miloh: Brady, what do I do?

Brady: Stay quiet. It will be okay.

(Abrupt light change)

General: (barging in) Where is it? Where's the filthy rat pretending to be a doctor?

Miloh: You broke my door, General.

General: What was that?

Brady: He said, you broke our door – and I'd appreciate it if you left so I can repair it.

General: Shut him up, men!

Miloh: (Collin holding him back) BRADY!

General: Is this the imposter?

Brady: Miloh, hush. I'm the doctor, sir. Leave him out of it.

General: (correcting him) Imposter... Doctors are not risen from Hell.

Miloh: (crying) They'll kill you, just tell them the truth–

(Collin covers Miloh's mouth cutting him off, but pulling it away when his hand is bitten.)

Collin: You're not helping Miloh, just let him go!

General: Ha! See the filth? Bellowing like an animal and restraining it's own with brute force – this is why there are laws against their existence.

Collin: (Throwing Miloh out of his arms) Listen up, bastard – YOU HAVE NO RIGHT –

(Community Control fires a shot at Collin – he falls. Brady looks away, pained)

Miloh: COLLIN!!

Brady: (Snapping) Miloh! Just STOP. I'll get us out of this.

General: You think you will – do you? You've committed a crime, dirt! Do you understand?

Brady: (In a low voice) Please, he's my little brother. Wait until we're out of the district.

General: I don't think you're in a position to be asking for favors.

Brady: Please...

(General fires shot. Brady falls.)

Miloh: BRADY!!!!

(Fade back to CURRENT – Miloh slams Kali into a wall)

And here are some pictures I've drawn for the storyboard of the flashback.

FantasySciFi · Feb 19, 2012

First, this is not proper script format. That could play against you. Fortunately, the British script format is not terribly different from the American. If you're applying for the London Film Academy, I would check the Writer's Guild of Great Britain (http://www.writersguild.org.uk/) and the BBC's Scriptwriter's helpful guides (http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/insight/scriptsmart_formats.shtml). You should get CeltX (http://www.celtx.org), it's a free script formatting software, and also has a lot of built-in features for film production.

Second, I would doublecheck to make sure they are asking for storyboards or want examples of an actual sequence you've shot for analysis of your camera work. Since we have several members here who are British, they may have more solid advice.

Here is an example of how the first few lines of your script would appear in proper script format.

Code:

The street is dark except for the faint light from the corner gaslight.
A clothing store has a manikin in a post-WW II French dress.

EXT.  TAVERN - NIGHT

The music of off-key piano drifts from inside the bar.  Several men 
follow as the BAR MANAGER (40s) pushes a young man out of a bar 
yelling insults. 

                                            BAR MANAGER
            Your kind aren't welcome here!

They all step back inside complaining loudly as he stumbles to the 
ground.  

MILOH (early 20s) has dark brown hair and his eyes are blurry.  He's 
been drinking heavily.  He sits unsteadily in the center of the street.

EXT. TAVERN, BALCONY - NIGHT

A narrow balcony surrounded by cast ironwork looks out over the 
street.

KALI (early 30s) steps outside and looks down on him.  Her hair is fine, 
straight and blonde. 

                                                          INTERCUT WITH:

EXT.  TAVERN - NIGHT

                                           MILOH
                             (about to cry) 
             Your blood is all over my hands and there's 
             a war weighing down my heart.

                                           KALI
                             (sighs) 
             The moon is so pretty tonight. 
                             (tosses her hair) 
             It looks... Almost... Yellow. Maybe it's God telling 
             us, “Good Job.” 

                                           MILO
             As the dirt has been segregated from the stars, 
             the only family I ever knew was left behind, in a 
             grave. 

Milo looks up at the balcony, his feet unsteady.

                                           KALI
             “We are no longer tainted,” God will tell us when 
             we reach his pearly gates. We will be free of the 
             scum on earth – those who rose up from Hell with 
             dirt stained heads. 

                                           MILOH
             These chains that hold me here, keep me fighting. 
             They are loose enough that I can almost grasp the 
             key to freedom, but tight enough to burn my wrists 
             and remind me of the pain of our pasts...

She looks out and past him towards a glow on the horizon.

                                           KALI
             War is inevitable – it's our right of passage! Every 
             sentient being will clamor for destruction. It is our 
             nature, and God has made it so. Therefore we must 
             kill...

etc. ...

As far as the story so far, it is too cerebral, too talky. The first ten pages really need to interest and grab the reader/viewer. This is pretty dry stuff, unless you mean it to be experimental. That could be risky. A film is not a novel or play. What is the purpose of this exchange? Can you cut to the chase? I'm not meaning to be brutal, it just doesn't have flow or interest. What is the movie about?

And as for the beginning, don't hint about dialogue, provide it. There are always exceptions, but not in this case. If you have specific words in mind, they go into the script. Also, your dialogue is way to long and fanciful. It's okay to wax poetic in a couple spots, but this is highly repetitive and could be tightened up. More importantly, it's best to do that after you've introduced the characters. We have no idea who Kali is or the relationship to Miloh until later. Knowing that earlier would make the messages more meaningful.

Also spec scripts, unlike shooting scripts, do not have camera directions. So you want to hint at camera angles and changes by putting in actions or descriptions. This also helps to break up endless back and forth. This bouncing back and forth between head shots (aka "talking heads") becomes very annoying to the audience. But that's something that needs to be shot and seen to be understood.

You'll also notice I had to fill in descriptions of the locations. Think about the other creative folk who need to create your script. They need ideas to scout locations, design period costumes, design sets, etc. Now I'm not talking about minute detail, just enough to give a sense of where and when the scene is taking place.

Overall, I would suggest you pick up a couple books on screenwriting from the library. Learn the basics of the format, though if you get CeltX it will handle most of that for you. Understand the nature of the "3 act structure". That is the basis for beginning screenwriting.

I would check to make sure you are submitting what they want! Good luck on your application!

WrittenSound · Feb 20, 2012

Wow! I had no idea I was so far off-base. Thank you for all of your help!
I'm glad you responded - otherwise I may have wasted much valuable time trying to write something that certainly was not what they were looking for.
I did go back and double check what they were asking for as far as a visual representation went. It says to include in the application "a presentation of storytelling series of photos, a DVD/weblink to a film I have made or a project I have done that reflects my interest in filmmaking." Since I didn't have the materials to make a decent film, I thought I would go with a series of storytelling photos (which is a storyboard, I think, right?)
I'm probably going to scratch everything I've written so far and start fresh with something more exciting to read as soon as I have a better grasp on screenwriting. Again, I cannot thank you enough for saving me mountains of frustration by catching all of my mistakes now!

knightly · Feb 20, 2012

As a producer who doesn't write my own scripts... I look for enough description on the page that I can hand the descriptions off to a casting person, the costumer, the person shopping for locations for me to be able to visualize just based on the 1 paragraph description and any follow up location needs ("BOB ducks behind a half wall").

I also know that the timing of a script directly relates to the scheduling of the project, so a page with about a 50/50 mix of dialog and action runs almost perfectly at 1minute/page. My group shoots 3-5 pages / day, so we can schedule accordingly based on those numbers. At the beginning, writers tend to produce stageplays... once you do more script writing for a group of people to realize, you'll find that more description means the final product will look more like you had envisioned in your head when you were writing.

This is a visual medium... don't forget that vector of the script... you can give the audience information using purely visual storytelling and allow the dialog to show relationships and increase the sense of reality. People who are long winded (how long is this post ? ) give the listener a strong sense of wanting to leave to make them shut up... if that's the intention, long diatribes are good -- they will invoke that emotion in the audience. If not, let the dialog be a natural extension of the scene that you've put in place.

When writing I always write dialog last unless there's something that pops into my head while working on a scene originally... my process: outline, fill in settings and action, add dialog as necessary to fill in relationships and character needs -- often counter to the true intention of the character to give more of a dynamic tension between what the audience sees and how they perceive the character trying to hide their wants/needs form the other characters.

rayw · Feb 20, 2012

Celtx - http://www.celtx.com/index.html download the FREE version.
Learn how to get started with it >>> HERE <<<
Learn some basic formatting rules >>> HERE <<<
There are plenty of examples of produced screenplays >>> HERE <<<, you'll notice they differ only somewhat between each of them.
Might wanna go digging through all of >>> THIS <<< sh!t to dig out a few peanuts of wisdom.

A few big points to remember are:
- A lot will change from script to screen for many reasons, so don't get to specific with any setting, character line or line delivery. The bones of your fundamental story will be recognizable in the final product.
- Beginner screenwriters include too much novel-like description ESPECIALLY things that cannot be seen on screen like thoughts and history called unfilmables.

Story boards will look more like >>> THESE <<<.

BOL!

And load that celtx PDF up to a google doc's page, please. :yes:

Skapreciate it!

WrittenSound · Feb 20, 2012

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B_ConbhKVT9LZDE1ODZkOTgtYWJlNi00YzkzLTg4NzctOTYyNmM5Nzc4ODc0

So, I completely restarted and this is what I've got. Is it at least moving in the right direction now? I can't thank you all enough for your advice. It's helped a lot. At least, I think so!

rayw · Feb 20, 2012

Fantastic.
Immennnnnsly better, and readable, too!

You'll still wanna turn off your "Mores & Continueds" function (No sh!t there's more and it's continued. There's another page, ain't there. IDK why the h3ll Celtx even includes it. Grrrrr).

Story's a little wibbly-wobbly, but maybe by the end of 20 pages you'll have something completely sensible.

This miiiiiight help ( or confuse, IDK. No tellin'):

Easy as pie, right?
Eh... maybe not.

If that's a little buggery for you, maybe this alternate version of it (my own) may complicate it even further (hopefully not):

It works like this:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AsBznn8D13zOdEI1dGU1VUxaVDhCQmVnVFBLeUxSaWc#gid=0

Head hurting yet?
Sorry.

FantasySciFi · Feb 20, 2012

"The Trip" is a major improvement. You've got the right idea. Still a few tweaks to format needed, but this is easy to visualize and more like a shootable movie that would interest and audience. Hold on to your first one. It will be useful later to actually go back and analyze it. Not for what's wrong, but what you would need to change to make it better tell your story. I don't think it was bad, just not appropriate as written for the assignment.

I think Rayw has some great stuff. I would suggest reading it. However, I would add that the stuff about act structure (the diagrams), that's what I'd label as intermediate screenwriting (201 stuff). Think of it as a preview. Don't worry if it doesn't make a lot of sense. On one hand, most movies you'll watch follow these principles. On the other, trying to write like that out of the gate is a challenge. I don't want you to get frustrated.

Here's an example that I often post. It seems to work with the people I've taught.

Everyone here has different techniques which work for them. Some use index cards, others just start writing. My advice is that film tells a story. So rather than worrying immediately about characters and description, write a one page version of your story. Getting the idea onto paper (or computer) is the first step.

"A boy sees a girl across the street, and he falls instantly in love. He goes to cross the street but the lights are against him. He sees her get on the bus and his heart falls. He grabs a pen and writes the bus number and time of day on this palm. He goes back the next day a half hour early to see if she is there again. She doesn't show. He's disappointed. The bus pulls up and leaves. Just then the girl comes running up and is upset because she was running late. ...."

At this point, I'm not sure how I want it to end. I haven't really thought about the boy or girl. But I've started my story going. At this point, I would break it up into the "6 Act Model". Put a header on six index cards or sheets of paper. What I'm going to talk about can be found at Michael Hauge's site: http://www.screenplaymastery.com/structure.htm "Act" is just word for a block of action in the plot. And
it arguably is meaningless. But for the purpose of teaching, it helps to think in terms of building blocks.

1 - Set Up (introduce the characters and situation)
2 - Introduce a New Situation and a Complication
3 - Formulate a Plan of Action to Succeed (character throws self in headlong)
4 - More Complications and Higher Stakes (usually a major setback)
5 - Final Push to Succeed with it looking unlikely (suspenseful moment, climax)
6 - Resolution and the Ever After

I would go through and put the elements of my story above onto the index cards under the headings

Act 1 - Set Up (introduce the characters and situation)
A boy sees a girl across the street, and he falls instantly in love.

Act 2 - Introduce a New Situation and a Complication
He goes to cross the street but the lights are against him. He sees her get on the bus and his heart falls.

Act 3 - Formulate a Plan of Action to Succeed (character throws self in headlong)
He grabs a pen and writes the bus number and time of day on this palm. He goes back the next day a half hour early to see if she is there again.

Act 4 - More Complications and Higher Stakes (usually a major setback)
She doesn't show. He's disappointed. The bus pulls up and leaves.

Act 5 - Final Push to Succeed with it looking unlikely (suspenseful moment, climax)
Just then the girl comes running up and is upset because she was running late.

Act 6 - Resolution and the Ever After
??? Maybe, I'll have him small talk with her. They hit it off and go grab a cup of coffee.

Now I can go back and add details and think about dialogue. The structure of the film is in place. I want it to be a bit more robust so,

Act 1 - Set Up (introduce the characters and situation)
A boy sees a girl across the street, and he falls instantly in love.
- The boy is dressed in a giant Hotdog suit advertising for the deli behind him.
- The girl sees the giant hotdog and flashes one of those "you're adorable" smiles.
etc.

The other piece to a story is that the characters usually change or learn something about themselves in the end. It provides an emotional closure. You can keep a plot line open, but the writer must bring some emotional closure to their story.

Reading through a screenplay, I look for how well those six large blocks are addressed. How attached or interested am I in the main character (protagonist) from their dialogue and actions. And do I, as the reader/viewer, feel some emotional closure.

I didn't totally believe Hyde as a character. Luke is the more interesting character and he doesn't really do much. And Kade just seems to be thrown in. It starts off very "Alice in Wonderland" like but then loses some of that energy. Rather than just walking around and talking, things need to happen. Not to simply engage the audience but because actions require your character to respond in ways the develop them.

Read the first 10 pages of scripts for movies that you enjoy. See how they get the viewer immediately into the action. Shorts often don't have the luxury, so it may require that development in 2 or 3 pages. Act 1 is when the rollercoaster rises to that first hill and drops you down. Act 2 is when it gets exciting and picks up the pace. Plan to put the bulk of your writing in 'acts' 3 and 4--the peak of the rollercoaster. Act 5 is the last turn, and in act 6 you're coasting to the stop.

I often suggest starting with a fairytale. Imagine you're a famous director/writer and you've been asked to create a version of a fairytale. How would you do it? And there's a great deal of latitude there. The hardest part of screenwriting is realizing that you have to keep your ideas to a certain number of pages. It's like writing a haiku. You want the words to say exactly what you want succinctly. Break it up then develop it. What do you want your characters to learn by the end that they lack/don't know in the beginning? How do the other characters help them to learn it?

Most scripts are revised multiple times before they are actually submitted. I think you're much more on track.

WrittenSound · Feb 20, 2012

Oh, my brain, rayw! I think it just imploded.
Just kidding. It's a little difficult to understand, but I think I get the basics because of those diagrams now. Thank you!
Wow! That's really organized. I'm going to try that six act planning thing and see how it goes. Thank you for the encouragement and all of your help, FantasySciFi.

maralyn · Feb 21, 2012

I don't think the London Film Academy is looking for students who can regurgitate formulaic structure.

I think they're more interested in originality, and a creative approach. Something a bit inspired, rather than .... "old".