What do you think? (incomplete)

[TheNoob]

First draft, no edits, or formatting, but what do you think about the draft? It's incomplete, and it's probably not going to be finished. I haven't placed it into a structure or created one for this, I just wrote it. I'm looking for a critique on the dialogue.

EDIT: I decided to finish it. It's difficult to critique dialogue without evaluating the story and structure.

EDIT: Incomplete story taken out, and the finished story will be added when completed.

 

[rayw]

You didn't format this?
Really?
I can't tell.

Nah, the dialog subjects jump around pretty sophomoric thought processes and go nowhere to achieve no effect.

You've just spent an entire screen minute to communicate something which could be done in seconds.

Needs more content. More substance. More "muchness".
http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2010/193/3/8/__You__ve_lost_your_muchness___by_Iisme36.jpg

EDIT:
Nah, I take that back.

When I read this like the two idiots in SHAUN OF THE DEAD it sounds better than when I read it as two everyday loser idiots in a dingy apartment.
http://shootingthescript.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/shaun_of_the_dead_0031-e1293046925329.jpg
Simon Pegg plays LISA. Nick Frost plays ED, (again).

What the overall piece going to be like?

 

[TheNoob]

You didn't format this?
Really?
I can't tell.

Nah, the dialog subjects jump around pretty sophomoric thought processes and go nowhere to achieve no effect.

You've just spent an entire screen minute to communicate something which could be done in seconds.

Needs more content. More substance. More "muchness".
http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2010/193/3/8/__You__ve_lost_your_muchness___by_Iisme36.jpg

haha, I like the picture.

And yeah, but does the dialogue seem believable? Can you imagine two people talking?

 

[maralyn]

Ed seems a bit like a control freak, and Lisa has self esteem issues.
I don't mind "random" dialogue, but it needs to serve in some way. Will this build in suspense until Ed kills Lisa? Then she's not actually dead and she sneaks up on him and stabs him in the back, just as he thinks he got away with not taking out the garbage?

 

[rayw]

And yeah, but does the dialogue seem believable? Can you imagine two people talking?

Believable in a "cartoony, two idiots" sort of way.

If I were Ed and you were Lisa I would have to either love you a great deal because you've got one helluva rack or do "things" other girls won't do - or - our relationship's about at an end and one of us is about to leave, hopefully not in an ambulance, police car, or body bag.

Is it a funny story?

 

[Philis]

LISA
Our living rooms a mess, and you want to take it out tomorrow? What if we die today? Our bodies would be buried in garbage ED Do you want to be buried in garbage?

That bit sounds out of place.

But it's really hard to tell without more context.