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critique "We Real Cool" 2 Page Short Script - feedback requested

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Clever idea, and mercifully short. I found the explosion of violence a little gratuitous, and would probably stop watching when the pummeling began. But before that it was admirably brisk and pointed. At first I thought they were talking to themselves, (as opposed to, I suppose, rehearsing) and I thought this was pretty cool--indeed, two separate minds, one trying to love self (they say is greatest love of all) and the other the opposite. But I don't mean to re-write your thing, lol. I think it's a good start.

For something so short, you don't need much story, I think, but it might like something a little more--a little more interesting, some other kind of little hook--besides the girl remembering her violent father, and somehow having the skills to now intervene. And...does she love the pizza guy?
 
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jsmithson said:
Thanks for the feedback, I’ll see if I can tighten it up. I wasn’t going for gratuitous violence, just enough to tell the story effectively. Thanks again!
Click to expand...
-- just my uneducated .02. Go with your own instincts--whatever seems cool and kind of complete to you. As I said, it's a pretty tight couple of pages as it is, which, to me, is an accomplishment. :)
 
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I read this through the day you posted, and thought it was a nice tight script, easy to visualise, and a classic story with beginning, middle and end ... but there was something bothering me about it that I couldn't put my finger on ... 🤔

Now I know what that was: Lyra has a flashback to when her father was beating her mother and she cried. This needs to be written as a complete scene in itself, and that raises some issues: you'll need a fresh location, decorated in a style 20-ish years earlier than the rest of the story ; you'll need to consider how to portray the younger Lyra - a child actor (ooof!) or some kind of creative POV shots ; you'll need two stunt actors to create a convincing fight between a man and a woman ; and then you'll need to find some way to explain/show how Lyra came to decide and then learn a really aggressive self-defence technique rather than being just another child in a violent household.

The simpler alternative would be to delete the flashback reference altogether and leave us to imagine for ourselves how/why Lyra had that very particular set of skills.

Two other points : Lyra ... walks out, glancing at the ring in her hand. What ring? What kind of ring? There's been no reference to any kind of ring up to this point, but if it's in her hand, it's hardly like to be a wedding/engagement ring, so .... :huh:

And the poem at the end : not being famililar with it, I looked it up and see that
(a) it's still copyright protected, so you'll need to get permission if you want to publish the video on a public platform.

and (b) I don't see the connection between the poem's story and this narrative. In fact, it's almost a contradiction - the poem is about a group of young people wanting to live "on the edge" even if it means they'll probably die young, whereas we must assume from her final words that Lara wants to live (for her baby) so is hardly likely to follow the same kind of behaviour.
 
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