critique "We Real Cool" 2 Page Short Script - feedback requested

[jsmithson]

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VrdSW41uI_-3URLIz9CChwz9EgQ9cDfE5zKPFfXLYos/edit?usp=sharing

This is a short script I'd like to shoot some day.

It's about the collision of two completely different lives.

Any feedback or critique would be much appreciated.

Thanks!

 

[Spike]

Clever idea, and mercifully short. I found the explosion of violence a little gratuitous, and would probably stop watching when the pummeling began. But before that it was admirably brisk and pointed. At first I thought they were talking to themselves, (as opposed to, I suppose, rehearsing) and I thought this was pretty cool--indeed, two separate minds, one trying to love self (they say is greatest love of all) and the other the opposite. But I don't mean to re-write your thing, lol. I think it's a good start.

For something so short, you don't need much story, I think, but it might like something a little more--a little more interesting, some other kind of little hook--besides the girl remembering her violent father, and somehow having the skills to now intervene. And...does she love the pizza guy?

 

[jsmithson]

Thanks for the feedback, I’ll see if I can tighten it up. I wasn’t going for gratuitous violence, just enough to tell the story effectively. Thanks again!

 

[Spike]

Thanks for the feedback, I’ll see if I can tighten it up. I wasn’t going for gratuitous violence, just enough to tell the story effectively. Thanks again!

-- just my uneducated .02. Go with your own instincts--whatever seems cool and kind of complete to you. As I said, it's a pretty tight couple of pages as it is, which, to me, is an accomplishment.