Honestly, it wasn't very interesting to read content-wise. You've created an interesting conundrum since you want honest feedback but don't want to hear about plot or character development since it would require comparison to existing practices. You'll just need to figure out how to make the story elements more obviously linked without contradictions, the dialogue more realistic and relevant, and the characters more interesting on your own. There are resources out there, but they would require reading and would teach more conventional approaches. One way to learn them for yourself is to read movie scripts of actual movies. You can chose those that seem particularly innovative to you. Surprisingly, you will find the same basic principles appear again and again.
I congratulate you on writing something that you would like to see. Perhaps at some point you will produce it and post the link. You've completed the first creative step--putting the idea on paper. Good luck with your future revisions.
Great. Thank you so much for the feedback.
That's exactly what i need.
Note that the first monologue is meant to be unrealistic since we're talking about a crazy person person here. Going straight from anger to compassion to self-pity in a flash. This is a behavior you can observe in maniaco-depressive type.
Here being a cinematic exaggeration obviously.
So i think of it more as unreasonable than unrealistic.
That was the point i was trying to make for a movie that's supposed to talk about mental disorders.
Not sure this was obvious enough though? What do you think i could do to make it more understandable?
As making the story elements more obviously linked: It was also the point: To surprise, confuse and interrogate.
2 of my favorite movies use that really well: Pulp Fiction and Memento. A Non-chronological order that serves the narration. This forces the viewer to really try to understand what's happening and use a bit more of our brain cells. And that's exactly what is happening in Memento. The first minutes totally confuses us... And that's awesome.
Not sure if this was clear too?
Maybe because there is too many non-said that might appears as non-sense and i should precise a few points and where this is going before?
Like Why is it like that?
Really i'm trying to break the rules here: The main character is both the hero and the villain. Movie is 100% First person view. Non-chronological order. Characters not obviously sane nor insane... So i guess it won't be such an easy task to make it obvious. Especially for a first timer in screenwriting
(not a first timer in copywriting)
So your help is greatly appreciated