This screenplay...needs something. Advice?

[QuentinDeabler]

Hello everyone, (Think I got the thread in the right spot this time)

I am finishing up writing a screenplay for a short film..and I'm absolutely stuck. It needs something. We started filming a few scenes.. and It went pretty well.. but I just don't buy it. We are barely into filming, in such that I was tossing a few more idea changes around. The premise of the screenplay is solid...its just that my "execution" if you will, is not. I think that with this solid idea, It could be an outstanding film, but I'm not quite certain if it's all there yet. It needs something. I would love to have suggestions, ideas, whatever..because I'm pretty much stuck.

I can't attach files on here, if i can, tell me if I'm wrong, but shoot me an email and I can send you the pdf? It's roughly 10 pages, It's not anything you have to sit down for hours over. I would appreciate any advice!!!!!

deabler.quentin@gmail.com

 

[Sucramdoow]

I've PMed you my e-mail.

 

[Filman]

I sent you an e-mail. Forgot to mention who I am on Indietalk, in case you're wondering.

 

[Filman]

Yep, read it.

It's a fascinating world that you have created. But the world isn't much more than a great location. You don't really have a story there. That makes it a bit hard to suggest fast adjustments.

Jason is informed by the Spirit that he wants to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. To get there Jason needs to watch his own death, plus watch Catherine try to take her own life. The Spirit promises to interfere so that she won't kill herself. Thorough his power the Spirit also influences reality so that Jason in fact causes Catherine's death. The Spirit admits to Jason to have screwed them both and Jason's goal to get through the tunnel of death and into the light isn't successful. Before Jason and Catherine both totally disappear she tells her that the Spirit doesn't exist for real and is just something that he imagined because he felt guilty.