As to the characters, I was trying very hard to stay away from cheesiness. How can I show them being in love, without it coming off as contrived or cliche?
Writing relationships can be challenging; you need to draw on personal experience.
Writing has never really been my forte lol, I've always been more a behind the camera person. Also, I wasn't really sure how to include elements certain elements into the script. Like montages of them traveling, where I can illustrate Jack's fading grasp on reality.
What you wrote:
Code:
EXT. DESERT ROAD DAY
JACK (20) and EMMA (18) are driving down a lonely desert
road. They are clearly lost.
EMMA
How could you be so stupid?
Jack looks straight ahead keeping his focus on the road.
EMMA
Jack, we're clearly lost!
JACK
OK look, I know it's around here...somewhere.
EMMA
You said that 10 minutes ago!
JACK
Why do you always have to be so
critical of everything?
EMMA
(sarcastically)
Well I'd rather not die out in the
middle of the desert
JACK
Just calm down, Em. I can't think-
EMMA
I'll calm down when we're not lost
JACK
We're NOT lost
Emma pouts in her seat, muttering to herself. They continue
to drive for a while until Jack pulls over.
JACK
Alright, look. Let's... let's just
get out of this car and get some
fresh air...
You said they were 'clearly lost' in the description and then you have Emma say it. What does that really mean? If you're on the only road through a desert, you're not lost. You keep going ahead or you turn back. Lost is being in the middle of the city and seven blocks away from your destination, separated by multiple one way streets. Why are they on the road? On page three you say their "tent is just around the corner". So it implies they successfully navigated there at least once. Why didn't he use his trip odometer to track the distance? He's travelling the desert without having his car stocked with water and basic survival supplies?
Since your shooting this you can write it to your own style. However, your characters shouldn't act artificially to create the story, but respond to events as a reasonable person might, unless you're shooting a comedy. You also want to avoid long unbroken segments of dialogue.
Below is a hybrid shooting script. Since you're also the director, you can for your benefit include shots. As we often see spec scripts posted, I've included this as a short example for your first act which introduces the characters and sets up the situation.
Code:
LOW ANGLE SHOT catching highway and cactus against background of
mountains. A car drives past.
HIGH ANGLE SHOT of scavenger birds feasting on dead animal as the
car drives by.
INT. CAR - DAY
Country music plays as the air conditioner blows. A handsome man,
JACK (20) in Hawaiin shirt over an athletic t-shirt with khakis, drives
along. In the passenger seat EMMA (18), slim in a halter and shorts
sits, holding a map in her hands.
EMMA
I thought you said you knew how to get back!
JACK
I do! I set the trip odometer. We drove 30 miles
to reach the gas station.
She glances over at him, her glare evident even through the sunglasses.
JACK (Cont.)
Look, it has to be around here somewhere.
There was a pull off onto a gravel road.
EMMA
Mr. Expert Camper! (heaves a sigh) Did you
pack water so I can take my pills?
Jack glances over worried.
JACK
Are you okay? Is it your blood sugar level?
She smiles and caresses his cheek.
EMMA
I'll be okay once we get back to camp.
BANG. The car begins to limp and buck.
JACK
Damn it! One of the tires blew.
EXT. ROAD IN DESERT - DAY
The car pulls off to the side.
The doors open and the two step out.
EMMA
I needed some fresh air anyway.
She reaches into her purse and pulls out a lollipop.
Jack walks around and checks out the tire, heaves a deep sigh and
heads back to the trunk.
He opens the trunk and pushes aside a knapsack to get to the
jack and spare tire.
He pauses, pulls a black box from his shorts, opens it to display an
engagement ring. He smiles and sticks it into the knapsack.
Jack comes back round to the side of the car and squats as he
places the jack under the rim.
He starts to kneel on the hot asphalt and
JACK
Mother f...
He jumps up and strips off his Hawaiin shirt and folds it so he can
kneel.
EXT. ROAD IN DESERT - LATER
The car is up on the jack as Jack places on the spare.
OVER SHOULDER: Emma admires Jack's back in his athletic T-shirt.
Emma comes over and begins to rub his shoulders.
EMMA
That's what I love about you.
Jack's face is covered with grease as is his shirt. Jack glances up at
her over his shoulder.
JACK
Because I can change a tire?
EMMA
That ... and you're such eye candy as you do it.
He stands and starts to embrace her and she jumps back.
EMMA (Cont.)
Not with those dirty hands!
He takes her in his arms and kisses her as a pickup drives by and honks.
They pull back. He smiles as she wipes a smudge from his cheek.
He starts to put away the tire and jack.
FADE TO:
INT. CAR - DAY
Emma points to a dirt road on the right.
EMMA
Is that it? I think I recognize that cactus and
boulder.
JACK
I'm not sure. Do you want me to go back
to town?
EMMA
No. I'm getting really tired. Let's see if it and
leads back to camp.
EXT. DIRT ROAD - DUSK
The car kicks up dust as it moves along the gravel road.
MONTAGE - TRIP BACK
A. Car crosses a long gravel stretch.
B. Car crosses a dry gulch.
C. Car climbs slowly through a narrow mountain road.
D. Car moves slowly down a sharp twist.
END MONTAGE:
EXT. MIDDLE OF DESERT - NIGHT
As they crawl along, the road disappears.
POP. The car stops.
Jack hops out, comes across in front of the headlights, and
sees the spare has gone flat.
Emma steps out.
EMMA
What do we do now?
Jack looks at her.
JACK
Look, you stay here. I'll walk back to the
road and get help.
The desert landscape is cold and stark by the light of the stars.
EMMA
You're not leaving me here alone, Jack
Parker! I'm not going to be coyote food!
He looks over a her. Her face is scrunched and melts. They both smile.
He walks over and wraps his arms around her.
JACK
You know, we don't really need a tent.
Warm night, gentle breeze, lots of stars,
all alone.
She gives him a gentle slug.
EMMA
You're a hopeless romantic. All of our
food and supplies!
He goes into the back of the car, grabs the backpack from
the trunk, sets it on the seat and pulls out two granola bars.
JACK
Voila! Dinner is served.
She grabs her water and a prescription bottle from the inside
of the car. She takes a couple pills.
She tosses the medicine bottle inside.
CU: of the prescription bottle falling onto the floor.
EMMA
And dessert?
He strokes his chin and looks at the stars, deep in thought.
She laughs as he moves in beside her.
...
Okay, that's a particularly long re-write. The purpose is fourfold. You can have characters argue but still have them very much in love. Second, now they are stranded in a legitimate way, more or less believably. Third, we know she has a medical condition that will come into play. Fourth I included a short montage which I've experienced in my backroad camping. You'd adjust it to your setting. Fifth--okay I'm adding this as an afterthought--they are intelligent and well meaning. They are reacting to situations that force them to make choices. In the situation I created, they'd become vulture food if they don't attempt to go back to the road. But at this point they aren't aware of the dangers that await.
When I paste this into my formatting template, it comes out at about 4-5 pages. This is a hybrid Spec and Shooting script since you will be shooting your movie. Notice how the shot descriptions are included. In writing spec scripts, the shots would not be included.
Is the dialogue cheesy, cliche, contrived? To some degree, yes. I need it to convey in four pages that these characters care about each other and, to some extent, they are worth caring about. You don't want the audience rooting for Emma to die. You don't want them wondering what she ever saw in Jack. She hints it was his body, but his actions reflect a more genuine concern for her health and safety. In the later part of the script, you want to develop their relationship. Also the dialogue is broken up with visuals which help amplify the conversation and replace pieces.
The two other pieces of this short bit are the visual anchors. The passing pickup that honks reaffirms that if they can make it to the road, they will get help. The second is her taking the pills. This emphasizes their importance, along with the lollipop and the prescription bottle. The "Road" continues to serve as the salvation. Starting off towards the road marks the start of "Act Two" which is the meat of your short. Starting with the shot of the mountains and vultures/ravens in the beginning sets a visual tone. The spare tire and choosing to go off the road send yet another message. I would continue to play with those visual images throughout the rest of the movie script.
Hopefully this gives you some ideas of how you might proceed. There is no one right way. My take is to keep the situation and characters believable so that you're at least curious what will happen. You are telling a story. If you were to cut out all the dialog from my script, the visual imagery should still convey the essence of the story. Good luck with your shoot!
