The Offing [Short Crime Film]

[RyiGarry]

I've polished this short script to a shine that I'm happy with for the moment (though there are a few lines of dialogue of one scene I've get to complete), and am looking for some fresh eyes to examine it. I should also mention that the end is not intentionally anti-climactic - but is forced to be so because of my budgetry limitations.

Also, apologies for the working title - as a fan of Stanley Kubrick I wanted to include a little joke on The Killing.

It's Off

Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

[ScriptReaderPro]

Hey Ryan, good job but very 1940's noir -- which may be what you're going for -- but I'd add a spin on this somehow if you can. As in Brick where we have teens talking like hard boiled detectives.

 

[RyiGarry]

Thanks for reading, ScriptReader.

Another spin could be due to my locational constraints -
all of the settings and actors being very 2010s English, the events and dialogue 40s American.

But I was indeed heading for the noir - as you could probably tell just by the names.
Would a twist like you suggested be necessary?
It seems to me like something of a gimmick, rather than enhancing the content.

 

[AnonWriter]

I'm guessing You're planning on filming this yourself based on the camera directions?

You might want to include short physical descriptions of the characters so they are easier to distinguish in the reader's mind, even if you end up casting actors who look nothing like them.

Also, the two Mallones caused some confusion when reading fast. You might want to keep referring to them mostly by their first names so people don't mix them up so easily.

I liked the dialogue. Good job.

 

[RyiGarry]

Thanks for reading, AnonWriter .

I'm guessing You're planning on filming this yourself based on the camera directions?

You might want to include short physical descriptions of the characters so they are easier to distinguish in the reader's mind, even if you end up casting actors who look nothing like them.

Also, the two Mallones caused some confusion when reading fast. You might want to keep referring to them mostly by their first names so people don't mix them up so easily.

Ah - I do often have the problem of writing for myself. I have imagined the whole setting and characters, and then just write the things that will remind me of that - that's where the camera directions come in. Indeed, they would be very distinct when being filmed - wearing different clothes, in different-looking surroundings etc. - but obviously you as a reader can't see that unless I tell you :S

Very much appreciated

 

[ScriptReaderPro]

Ah okay you're from England so I guess that'd be different. But my point remains -- we've seen thousands of crime mysteries open like this and contain these kind of characters and plot lines.

I'd recommend taking the genre conventions of crime noir and spinning it into something fresh. But I'm not sure setting in England will work, or just be unbelievable.

As you're in England, though, why not write what you know? Or closer to what you know -- gangster culture as it exists today. I'm thinking of directors like Shane Meadows and Ben Wheatley -- but add more of a noir element to it.

 

[amp]

A problem I had was with the parentheticals/wryly. You wrote it in the same line of dialouge which is not how it is done.

http://www.screenwriting.info/08.php

Go to that link and read up about it. It's just a small formatting error but could help in the long run and for the actors reading the script. In case they got mixed up between that and the dialouge.

 

[RyiGarry]

Thanks for reading, amp

I hadn't even considered that those parentheticals may trip up an actor - I'm used to writing prose-style where actions unfold as quickly as words. I also realised with yours and Anon's advice that I tend to write just for myself - though obviously a problem in this scenario when I'm presenting it to others


Also, I live on the Wirral Peninsular in the North of England - one side of it looks on to Wales - and I found a great alleyway I could use:

 

[RyiGarry]

Thought I might as well mention - I just entered it into the Blue Cat Short Screenplay competition. My first script I've done so with - so I hope their feedback is similarly positive as that I've received here.