• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

The New England Hustle: My full Length Screenplay!!!!!!! Please read

Slugwriter

Slugwriter

Hello, everyone at IndieTalk.

It's SlugWriter here, havent been able to post much for the last week or so. Been very busy.

But I have finally finished the rough draft for my screenplay the "New England Hustle,"

It's 125 pages, and even if you don't read the whole thing, I would very much appreciate it if you read at least the first 30 pages and left feedback. It means the world to me.

I hope everyone enjoys it, but I dont want to give away to much so all I can say about the plot is:

log line: When Connor, a 23 year old Film-Genius, finds five million dollars and crashes a drug deal; Mr.Matherson will do anything to get his money back. In 24 hours, the lives of a detective, a taxi driver, a stripper, Mr.Q, along with a hired hitman and a film maker wanna be, will intertwine due to five million dollars. And what they all stand for, will be put to test,

Of course the story is much more complex than that. The style is a mix of Chinatown, Rocky, Pulp Fiction, Annie hall and the Godfather.

http://www.politikonzoon.com/NewEnglandHustle.pdf

Please leave feedback and thank you for your time.
 
Last edited:
Sort by date Sort by votes
I was wondering how do I post it.

I'd prefer to send it to you through E-mail, lol, much easier.

And thanks buddy, that makes me feel good. Sometimes I feel I just blabble, at least someone else is having fun lol

But I am currently researching for a 48 hour project that I am writing for. Scary :weird:

My email is : reeves.jacob@ymail.com

But I would like to post it online! If you could.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
hey i read up to page 13 and i will probably read more tomorrow, (its quite late :P)

there are some things i dont really understand... at the point where
the taxi driver shoots the man
like it just says BANG BANG.... does that mean he took the gun or like the guy
shot himself
... what happened there?, you might want to put more detail there, or maybe im just being stupid :P forgive me if i am.

EDIT: is the idea that you dont know what happens until later?

really good script though! im really enjoying it. :)
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Fuck! I didnt realize I messed up. Thanks for telling me though. I sent that rough draft to my director and I want it make some sense lol.

But in the edited version, he has a gun and he killed him. lol
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0 Downvote
Read to the creds and like how it floats. Characters could express a bit more personality and you'd still get the message across. But yeah, I think it works. You can cut it down and it'll work even better.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
This is all I had time for today, but I figured I'd get it to you asap. I know how it is to get feedback when you've already found some of the things yourself.

Page 3, 7/8th:
Taking the first drag with an beastly grin.

Page 10, 8/8th:
Shoulda kept your toes out of the water. But you did and look where it got ya;
Did you mean didn’t?

Page 11, 8/8th:
I wanna tell ya somethin’. It’s to late to make a difference,
You trust people to much
You talk to much
Too

Page 12, general:
How did Kenak shoot the guy? It’s not really important how it happens, but it leaves a question that might bother the audience if left unanswered. It certainly bothered me.
Also:
What’s with the title card saying KENAK – CHARACTER 1. Is it important to the plot that the only surviving character of the first 13 pages is kenak, and that he’s character 1? Just ‘Kenak’ would do. In fact I don't know that his name is really totally necessary, but I haven't read the whole thing yet.

Page 12, 7/8th:
50 bucks!? Your a joke, and it ain’t funny neither.
You’re

Page 13 5/8th:
Who plays piano on stage with experience. The crowd love it.
You could say the crowds love it, or the crowd loves it.

Page 14, 4/8th:
The wounds speak for themselves. q
8/8th:
Your telling me.
You’re

Mostly little things so far, but I gotta ask: What makes this story stand out? I liked the beginning, but by the time I got to the police morgue scene, I felt like I had already seen it before. A unique take on the investigation, or unique cop characters would have kept my interests up. I'll read more later though, and give you some more feedback.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I read the first 10 pages. That's the most important part of a script I believe.
Question, why the flashback on page 4? The character says everything you need to know.
Good twist on page 9. However, the dialog didn't grab me enough before that. It would be more interesting if the "Business Man" was a meek tourist type. Then it's a big surprise when he _____________on page 9. Just a thought. That's just my opinion. I always put a lot of focus on the first 10 pages. I look at it as a "Sling shot" the catapults the audience into the rest of the film. Hope that helps.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top