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The Light - short script

Adeimantus

Adeimantus

I'm in a creative fugue, so apologies. Another comedy dash-off in the middle of the night. Any comments or suggestions appreciated as always.

Title: The Light
Genre: Comedy
Pages: 10

Log Line: Three Jersey wise-guys meet up with "The Light."

The surrealism of "Waiting for Godot" meets The Sopranos.

http://www.politikonzoon.com/TheLight.pdf
 
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The Leonantes despite age, hiarchy or intellect are still very samey in voice. Besides voice, or in keeping with voice I think you can optimize and distinguish their characterization, like sell Vinny harder as the aging one, then innocent, smarten and reluctant Bobby up (Like he never wanted that life- could be younger too) , then paint Lewis in hoodlum thick and eager, so you have some dynamic and distinction between them while also possibly the “Job” back story pushing subtext, like Vinny wanted out of it, but he couldn’t let Lewis take “The Kid” alone, because Lewis, while eager is every bit a numbskull, and (The Kid) Bobby didn’t want to even be there that night or ever, but Lewis thinks Bobby should be in the family business, and Vinny being older is torn between the Kid being out and the Kid respecting the family. Without some deeper inside story like that, I have to call it too lengthy for the trick it’s turning. I think you could do it in 5 or 6 or 7 and come away with the same thing, plus a little added impact to boot.

-Thanks-
 
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I thought it was a delightful peace. The opening reminded me of the Goodfellas a little bit. The story was great the only thing that bothered me was how you sometimes told instead of showed. For example when introducing the characters you seemed to tell us things that couldnt be shown.

Now something like this probably shouldn't bother me too much, but after reading this one screenwriting book that bashed in these types of telling scenarios, I've seemed to have it go off in my head like an alarm.

Everything was nice and smooth and flowed very well.
 
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Hi, Buddy. Yes, not enough character-differentiation. Just talking heads (literally) that speak with pretty much the same voice. I'll work on it. Thanks!

Blanc, hey. You're right, the character descriptions were superfluous. Thanks for the kind words.

-Charles
 
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