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The Hardballers script sample
- Thread starter coolhandz
- Start date
Okay, I'm writing this as I read your sample... It reads like a shooting script thus far i.e., you've got a lot of visuals in your description... Way too much for a spec...coolhandz said:
Is this in fact a shooting script?
If not, and it is a spec...
Consider tightening those action sentences up... No need for the novelization of description. If you're looking for investors based on the screenplay, then this needs to read like a spec if you're going to show it to film-savvy investors.
Way too much passive sentence structure... Makes the writing much weaker than ACTIVE sentence structure and, for a screenplay with this subject matter, I think you would want the writing to be as strong as possible...
You capitalize Gabrielle's name twice so far... You only need to do that once... When introducing her.
The tall grass in the desert kinda baffled me... I'm very familiar with most of the desert in the U.S. (I live in it) and not too familiar with tall grasses... Maybe mesquite bushes... or other desert shrubbery... Or maybe Canada has tall grass in their desert...
I'm real familiar with biker gangs (almost too much so) and when Gabrielle throws sand and rock at Max and he immediately goes down, I just didn't buy it...
I will read on now...
Hmmm...
Dakota rides up with twin pistols drawn? In the desert? On some kind of a Harley I presume? Pretty comic book and I guess not too believable for me...
--pears should be peers.
Seems on-the-nose to me...
Hmmm... You capitalized Gabrielle two more times in action sentences...
For some reason, after all the beating, pounding, raping, etc., I thought she would be naked by now. I guess she pulled herself together while Dakota was kicking some ass.
The old rusted wagon wheel is way too convenient... You didn't set it up in a visual so it seems like you just pulled it because you needed something.
You have Dakota's eyes resting on the tire iron and in the next sentence, she's hefting it at Max. You need to break the action away from Dakota to either Max or Gabrielle and then back to Dakota hefting the tire iron if you're not going to show Dakota running over to it and picking it up. Or, is the tire iron another convenient prop sitting right next to her?
Hmmmm. Max knows exactly what she's going to do... Why have him ask? Maybe some last act of defiance or dialogue that represents a last act of defiance...
Instead of telling us about how her reflexes have developed from months of training, just tell us how fast they are... Better yet, SHOW US. Do the months of training thing in some backstory about her later on in the story.
Okay... Finished the rest... You keep capitalizing Gabrielle's name in every passage... Don't do this even if this is a shooting script...
Very comic book and that's not a bad thing but just a little unbelievable to me... Some of the action and props seem a little convenient when you could have easily set these up and paid them off to make them more believable.
I like the idea of Women being able to kick ass but you show Max as too much of a wimp in my opinion... Make him super tough and Dakota a hell of a lot tougher and then somehow, this toughness transfers over to Gabrielle and she takes care of business. In other words, Dakota should represent what Women CAN DO against the likes of Hell's Angels or what we believe to be Hell's Angels. Gabrielle's transformation/revelation that she can be like Dakota doesn't come through as well as it could or should.
Finally...
I like your writing but it's a little lengthy for a screenplay which seems like you're coming in from some other form of writing where lengthy is the norm...
Needs to be tightened up a bit and and the dialogue should reveal MORE than simply what's being said i.e., it's too on-the-nose.
Is the screenplay finished? If so, you might consider having a consultant take a look at it or, at a minimum, get some industry coverage... Investors are going to want to read the script and an investor or an investor's reader reading this sample would most likely take a pass...
Overall, I like the idea and if pulled off correctly, could be a cool kind of a cult film...
Good luck with it,
filmy
That's pretty detailed and appreciated... Because I am just showing a sample of the script, I added a few extra details to fill in some of the backstory - like Dakota's training... Gabrielle goes through much more on her way to becoming one with the other girls. Max is not much for Dakota in this scene - she has other much tough fish to fry in later scenes... this is a minor battle among many. Gabrielle's pants were removed - she was tugging them back on.
I agree with the 'too convenient' items and that they should have been set up better.
The actual complete screenplay is finished and has attracted some cool attachments already - that's why we felt it cool to put this teaser online.
Thanks for your comments !
I agree with the 'too convenient' items and that they should have been set up better.
The actual complete screenplay is finished and has attracted some cool attachments already - that's why we felt it cool to put this teaser online.
Thanks for your comments !
Good luck with it...
Again, good luck!
filmy
Like I said... I like the concept but to attract serious investors, the script should be flawless. At the very minimum, this idea could do really well through a DVD series...coolhandz said:
Again, good luck!
filmy
ON-THE-NOSE dialogue...
For example...
Take a scene in a bar where a guy and a girl are talking to each other... Flirting. What would normally happen is all the smalltalk, right? However, the SUBTEXT of the smalltalk is that somebody wants (normally the guy) to get into somebody else's pants... The guy will use the best of his clever banter to impress the girl but what is he REALLY SAYING? He's saying, "I think you are beautiful, I think you're hot, I want to do you!"
Dialogue that uses SUBTEXT is much more interesting than talking heads telling us exactly what they think...
Having said that...
There will be times that a character needs to say exactly what they mean... i.e., children characters and supporting characters that say, have a specific function or job i.e., a cop. A cop is definitely going to say, "Turn around and put your hands behind your head."
Your main characters need to use lots of subtext in their dialogue to make the dialogue, scene, and screenplay much more interesting... As a rule, your protagonist and antagonist are always using subtext rather than on-the-nose dialogue unless they they need something specific from a character. But take for instance, the movie, DIE HARD...
At one point, Hans says to McClane, "Give me my detonators!" Of course he means that but what's underneath? Underneath is much more interesting... i.e., "You son-of-a-bitch! If I catch you, you're so friggin' dead! You're totally screwing my plan up, Asshole!"
Actors also use subtext... In fact, an actor often changes dialogue so that he or she can find the subtext within the dialogue... I've seen actors look at dialogue and not want to use it because it was so ON-THE-NOSE... They change it so the true meaning of the dialogue still comes through but it comes through with a combination of dialogue and acting INSTEAD of actually saying what they mean.
Think about your average, every day conversations...
Of course some people say exactly what's on their mind but those would make boring characters in a screenplay... I would rather have those characters in my screenplay that use words to manipulate people and situations... They are much more memorable and entertaining.
Let me use another actual example from the script everyone is reading for the Screenplay Club here on IndieTalk... O Brother Where Art Thou?
EVERETT
Mind if we join you, ol' timer?
OLD MAN
Join me, my sons.
The three men clamber aboard and the old man resumes pumping.
The three men exchange glances; Delmar waves a clanking hand before the old man's milky eyes. No reaction.
DELMAR
You work for the railroad, grandpa?
OLD MAN
I work for no man.
PETE
Got a name, do ya?
OLD MAN
I have no name.
EVERETT
Well, that right there may be why
you've had difficulty finding gainful
employment. Ya see, in the mart of
competitive commerce, the -
OLD MAN
You seek a great fortune, you three
who are now in chains...
The men fall silent.
...And you will find a fortune -
though it will not be the fortune you
seek...
--Okay, the OLD MAN says, "I work for no man" and "I have no name" but is that what he really means? Or, does he mean he's different from the rest of us? Special? A prophet.
He could have just said, "I am a prophet." --But that would be so dull and boring, right?
Even Everett says, "Well, that right there may be why you've had difficulty finding gainful employment. Ya see, in the mart of competitive commerce, the -" --but what is HE really saying?
He's really saying, "You can't get a job without a name or working for a man." --But that too would be too boring and ON-THE-NOSE.
I hope that makes it clear but if anyone would like to discuss it further, maybe a new thread would be in order...
filmy
Dialogue that is ON-THE-NOSE is when the characters are saying EXACTLY what is on their minds instead of using SUBTEXT. Subtext is the underlying truth of the dialogue that is spoken...max70 said:
For example...
Take a scene in a bar where a guy and a girl are talking to each other... Flirting. What would normally happen is all the smalltalk, right? However, the SUBTEXT of the smalltalk is that somebody wants (normally the guy) to get into somebody else's pants... The guy will use the best of his clever banter to impress the girl but what is he REALLY SAYING? He's saying, "I think you are beautiful, I think you're hot, I want to do you!"
Dialogue that uses SUBTEXT is much more interesting than talking heads telling us exactly what they think...
Having said that...
There will be times that a character needs to say exactly what they mean... i.e., children characters and supporting characters that say, have a specific function or job i.e., a cop. A cop is definitely going to say, "Turn around and put your hands behind your head."
Your main characters need to use lots of subtext in their dialogue to make the dialogue, scene, and screenplay much more interesting... As a rule, your protagonist and antagonist are always using subtext rather than on-the-nose dialogue unless they they need something specific from a character. But take for instance, the movie, DIE HARD...
At one point, Hans says to McClane, "Give me my detonators!" Of course he means that but what's underneath? Underneath is much more interesting... i.e., "You son-of-a-bitch! If I catch you, you're so friggin' dead! You're totally screwing my plan up, Asshole!"
Actors also use subtext... In fact, an actor often changes dialogue so that he or she can find the subtext within the dialogue... I've seen actors look at dialogue and not want to use it because it was so ON-THE-NOSE... They change it so the true meaning of the dialogue still comes through but it comes through with a combination of dialogue and acting INSTEAD of actually saying what they mean.
Think about your average, every day conversations...
Of course some people say exactly what's on their mind but those would make boring characters in a screenplay... I would rather have those characters in my screenplay that use words to manipulate people and situations... They are much more memorable and entertaining.
Let me use another actual example from the script everyone is reading for the Screenplay Club here on IndieTalk... O Brother Where Art Thou?
EVERETT
Mind if we join you, ol' timer?
OLD MAN
Join me, my sons.
The three men clamber aboard and the old man resumes pumping.
The three men exchange glances; Delmar waves a clanking hand before the old man's milky eyes. No reaction.
DELMAR
You work for the railroad, grandpa?
OLD MAN
I work for no man.
PETE
Got a name, do ya?
OLD MAN
I have no name.
EVERETT
Well, that right there may be why
you've had difficulty finding gainful
employment. Ya see, in the mart of
competitive commerce, the -
OLD MAN
You seek a great fortune, you three
who are now in chains...
The men fall silent.
...And you will find a fortune -
though it will not be the fortune you
seek...
--Okay, the OLD MAN says, "I work for no man" and "I have no name" but is that what he really means? Or, does he mean he's different from the rest of us? Special? A prophet.
He could have just said, "I am a prophet." --But that would be so dull and boring, right?
Even Everett says, "Well, that right there may be why you've had difficulty finding gainful employment. Ya see, in the mart of competitive commerce, the -" --but what is HE really saying?
He's really saying, "You can't get a job without a name or working for a man." --But that too would be too boring and ON-THE-NOSE.
I hope that makes it clear but if anyone would like to discuss it further, maybe a new thread would be in order...
filmy
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