I enjoyed it, but I have some crits.
You can take these with a grain of salt, since I'm only just starting out as well.
-Invest in a tripod. Some of the cutaways you use seem to feature shaky cam. It can be quite distracting.
-Invest in a microphone. I'm sorry to say this, but your sound was poor. It really took away from the experience.
-What would happen if you took all the dialogue out? The short would not only be incomprehensible, but very uninteresting. What does this tell you? The dialogue is VERY important for a short like this. Reshoot it until it's perfect. Re-record the VO until it's perfect. On average, you might do 10 takes of a scene to make sure it's just right. This film seemed... rushed, maybe? Your dialogue and V.Os are riddled with awkward pauses and "ums". This would be acceptable if this was a character trait. A nervous hitman? That'd be an interesting take on a cliche. But you're trying to use the "smooth talking, sharp looking" contract killer stereotype.
-Inconsistency. Your character says, "when i opened the envelope", when in fact, he just unfolded a piece of paper. A lined piece of paper that had writing on the back side. Little things like this can REALLY put a dent in the suspension of disbelief. No matter how low budget a short film is, you want to create an illusion. Small things like this break the illusion. Another one, is "here I lie", when he is, in fact, sitting.
-The sound. I'm sorry I have to revisit this again, but why would you keep unnecessary sound in? Like wind blowing into your microphone (which screams amateur to me). Royalty free ambient sounds are APLENTY on the internet. If you don't want to use them, then record your own (with a decent microphone). Otherwise, omit them entirely. Every time a gust of wind hit your microphone, i cried a little. Another problem with this, was that every time the angle changed, the sound abruptly changed as well. This is where looped ambient sounds are a good idea.
-I just noticed this, but is your image stretched? Why would you stretch it to widescreen? It distorts the image and dimensions. I'd suggest keeping it in 720x480.
-This goes along with the dialogue... But I need to mention acting. I realize that you're probably using your friends as actors, rather than auditioning real actors. This is what makes this point more important. Reshoot as MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES to make the scene believable. Please understand, my friends aren't good actors either - but I will push them (as innocently as possible, trying to avoid hurting feelings) until I am satisfied. The least believable scene in your video was also the most important one. It was the scene that the hitman confronts his friend. As his friend enters the room, the only reaction (I would personally be SHITTING MY FUCKING PANTS if some dude in a suit pulled a gun on me, IN MY FUCKING HOUSE) we get from him, is bracing himself to be shot. Which looks ridiculous. Later in the scene, after he's been shot, he seems like he's forcing back a smile. You can't turn your friends into oscar-worthy actors, but they don't need to be. Reshoot until the scenes are believable. I realize it's hard to direct while behind the camera, but this brings me to my next point.
-There's a reason most directors never appear in their own films, and those that do, only do so for VERY minor roles (ala Lynch in Twin Peaks). A director has to see everything. He has to perfect every nook and cranny. He has to polish the shit out of his project. He has to motivate and manipulate his actors, his shots, and his entire scenes. He has to make sure everything is JUSt right. You can't do any of that in front of the camera. I would actually attribute many faults of the film to that one simple problem. Lack of direction.
Overall, I think it's a very good first effort. As long as you keep the things i've said above in mind, you'll be golden. I'm anxious to see the next one
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