The Drunk (my first English script)

[NeKo00]

This is my first script written in English (or at least my first one in English that I finished). Only 5 pages, reading and reviewing will be much appreciated, I'm a newbie so....shoot me. Also, suggestions are welcome.

http://www.mediafire.com/?009nwkom4nw3k85

Thank you.

 

[Toby4film]

Hey, would you mind if i use this in a short film? just to practice, ill give you credit for the screenwrite. i like it alot!

 

[dr stilly]

Very vivid. I saw the scenes in my mind. One tip that I heard once is; if the scene is about what the scene is about then you're in trouble. People speak in subtext mostly. So instead of him saying "I can't move on, I'm lost" maybe he says "Why don't you go out? Get some air?" to which Oliver says "There's nowhere to go. I wanna stay right here, in this chair with this drink, alone. Now f@ck off." He takes another swig. So he says the same thing but in other words.

 

[DeGrande]

Good interesting concept. I do agree with Dr Stilly about not coming out and saying everything and in fact I would add a lot more action to it so their body language does the talking for them. This helps build tension and makes the dialogue give more of an impact. Also without enough action in between dialogue you end up with a couple "talking heads". Good luck with it!