The Cheeseburger(short screenplay)

[victortiti89]

A few weeks ago, wrote a short screenplay called '' The Cheeseburger" and I was wondering if you could share some thoughts on it. Your help and feed-back would help make it better, as it's now at a very unprofessional level. Thank you for your kindness of taking the time to read this!
Here is the link to it:
http://www.talentville.com/snippet/434

 

[PhantomScreenwriter]

Here's some feedback for you victortiti89:

I liked the message of this movie very much. This is a good iteration of the good Samaritan story. I was wondering about what Andrew was doing aside from begging for a cheeseburger, which meant I didn't know where the story was going, and for me that's a good thing. This is a short I would like to see adapted into a short film.

One of the only things I would suggest changing is taking out the part where Jack swears. The problem with it isn't that it's a swear word, the issue is it doesn't feel right as a reaction to what Andrew has told Jack. It's a bad thing that happened to Andrew but I don't think anything really needs to be said in reply to that because this is where the actors would come in. It sounds out of place.

Overall this is a short film that has heart to it. I enjoyed reading it, good luck with getting this made

 

[pringleman]

A good read, I zoomed through it which is good sign.