Adeimantus, I was writing a summary and then we had a brown out. I lost everything and just didn't have the energy to go back and recreate it. I'll try again.
First, it is extremely well written and it's obvious why it made it to finalist. Congrats. It has visual appeal but had a 'one off' feel that at first I couldn't pin down. As I went through my analysis last night, however, I think I identified what points bothered me.
Some minor points. Your preliminary and final screen texts are TOO long. In the opening, that last paragraph was just too much exposition. I was expecting it to be a quote too. The final summaries of everybody's lives. While I thought they were interesting, it was too much text for the screen to be read. I know rules of thumb are guidelines, but paragraphs to be read need to be no more than 30 words. This is because of spacing and reading speed for most audiences. You might think how to shorten these and what is really relevant. Some of it might be portrayed visually.
The initial banter between the prosecutors was too redundant and should be reduced. It was hairsplitting and doesn't advance the movie. While the final defense is meant to be stirring and is probably drawn from the transcript, it doesn't play well on screen. It is so redundant, that you might need to edit Darrow down a bit. I would also augment a bit since this is a re-telling. Not sure it would have swayed me as a juror.
In the opening gambit, you have two Bills. About halfway through you distinguish them by Haywood and Minor, but not initially and that was confusing as a reader. You should stick with Haywood throughout. At a later point you have a sex scene with "Bill and Winnie Minor" and I was confused who it was as a reader. Obviously the viewer would know. "Bill and Winnie" or "Haywood and Winnie (Minor)" would have been clear.
However, the central issue was the characters. I loved the development of McPartland and Siringo. I even had a good feel for Stuenenberg. Unfortunately, the characters who didn't catch me were Haywood and Darrow. That I think was the one off. Haywood came across the same throughout the whole movie. He never experienced the 'dark night of the soul' where he ever questioned his actions. Moyer does when he snaps, but not Haywood. He seems shallow. His actions don't match the level of emotional depth--the rose pillow then happily jaunting with a new 'family' down the street after leaving and empty house. I didn't find myself caring about him.
His relationship with Nevada Jane is painted beautifully but the sudden split didn't make sense. You could take just a bit more time to give a reveal that Jane finds him sleeping with her sister which is what poisons their relationship. The relationship you initially present is tender but seems odd given the drinking and whoring you throw into it. As a reader and viewer, I came away confused about Haywood's character and relationship. That I think was the source of the 'one off'. I don't expect Haywood to be a virtuous person, but his flawed character needs to show some consistency and growth. I didn't get that sense. He ends the same shallow, naive, violent individual as when he started. Except for one brief moment, when he almost crushed the mouse, the man remained virtually unaffected.
Darrow has a mysterious, trickster quality to him. Unfortunately, his appearance is limited to the courtroom and some incidental scenes. I would have like him to be developed a bit. By cutting some of the excess dialogue, you could have him meet with Jane and perhaps open up both characters a bit more. Darrow wasn't real to me. He was more plot device than pivotal. He had some fun scenes to introduce some symbolic segments--baseball game, exchange with McPartland, chess game, etc. But nothing that really conveyed he cared or was invested.
You have several (3 or 4) long monologues. While the rant about the Pinkertons is colorful, I'm not sure it needs to be so long. It simply interludes into the upcoming kidnapping. Orchard's rant also could be more concise. Haywood has a couple others that could also be abridged. The jail scene with Orchard is clever but I'm not sure we need all the lyrics for that scene to work.
Please understand, I like the script alot which is why it bothered me that initially I couldn't figure out what it was that didn't seem to work. You paint a beautiful picture and interwove some narrative elements into the story masterfully. However, as I looked at the character arcs, the only character who seemed to not change was the key character, Haywood. As Darrow is really not a central character, though a key player, his lack of depth is not as critical.
So in summary, the long texts to be read on screen, the few long, redundant monologues, and the character arc of Haywood are the main issues that I would address in this piece.
PS: There was one typo that jumped out when Jane and the Mable "prey together".
Not a biggie!
