Take a peak, i'm stuck and haven't got a clue

[cjones636]

I Know, i know i don't have a clue about what i'm doing and showing this to family members always tells me that everything i do is "really good", so i need someone outside of being a family member to tell me how is this so far, i need constructive criticism.

This is my very first script i'm writing and just watched youtube videos on how to do this. The character ryan is going to be in the woods cleaning a dear, setting traps without a second person and i don't know how to put whats in my head on paper (in a script way) since he's not going to be interacting with another person for some time so would i like, write it out like a book or and do V.O.? here and there when needed, does this even make sense? i'm so tired thatand being up for 28hrs i'm sure it doesn't.. lol


Am i just giving this too much thought?

Here is the script so far.
http://www.mediafire.com/?xp5ahi5a5w0h617

 

[knightly]

Your process may be different than mine, but I always start with the story as an outline of overall events, then expand the outline to scenes of action descriptions, then back to fill in dialog... this forces me to think of the story from a structural, then visual perspective... dialog is then frosting on a nice solid cake.

 

[jax_rox]

You should only describe exactly what we can see. We can't see thoughts, so take them out. We also need to describe everything that happens. For example, you can't simply write:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY
David makes a roast.

As it tells us nothing. It would be better written as

INT. KITCHEN - DAY
David puts the turkey into a cooking tray. He walks over to the cupboard, pausing for a second before deciding on the BBQ sauce. He squirts it onto the turkey then slides the tray into the oven.

That's if we need to see him cooking the turkey. Take out things that aren't directly necessary to the story. For example, we probably don't need to see him prepare the Turkey (depending on the story). We may just be able to have.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
David walks in to find his guests have arrived. LINDA and JOAN turn away as he enters, deep in conversation. HENRY sits on the coach next to SUSAN. They stare out at the nothingness. David seats himself between them.

DAVID​

So uh......​

A ding is heard from the kitchen.

DAVID​

That'll be the turkey.​

Also try and avoid phrases like 'he doesn't know', 'he is thinking about..', 'he comes to his senses' etc. Things that aren't necessarily a description of what the camera sees. How can a camera see him coming to his senses? Find a different way to word it. I'd also suggest staying away from phrases like 'he is sad', 'he is angry'. Show that he's angry by writing something like:

David lunges at Sarah, his face red and full of rage.

DAVID​

(yelling)​

Why would you do that to me?!​

Obviously this can't be avoided all the time, but IMO it's better to be descriptive and show how/why he's angry, rather than simply saying 'he is angry.'

Having a quick look at the link you posted, I notice there is a large introductory part. This should go, it might be part of your own notes but shouldn't be part of the script itself. If it's going to be titles at the start, then it should be written as such:

TITLES ON SCREEN
words

otherwise, you need to show that this has happened through the script itself. Whether that's an introductory scene, dialogue between two characters, or something more subtextual.

Note that these are all things I've learnt from film school and through my own work. There are guidelines, but some guidelines can differ. IMO, it's better to stick as much to the way things are done as possible and then once you have a foothold you can break the rules as much as you want. The biggest 'rule' about scriptwriting is the font face and size - correlating to the runtime. Take as much or as little out of this as you want. This is how I do things in my final draft, but the way you work may be completely different.

 

[doovidooves]

Christopher (I'm assuming you are Christopher),

I'm going to give you some honest, constructive criticism on your script. You obviously have an interesting story on your hands here and would like to do it the best service you possibly can in translating it into a screenplay, but are new to the medium.

The first piece of advice I could give you is very fundamental to the art of screenwriting. Jax_rox already went into this a little, but I'll still say it. Screenplays are visual. When writing a script, SHOW, don't TELL. It's one thing to have a news anchor tell us what's happening in the world, it's another to show us what's happening in the world. Showing is stronger. You avoid clunky, expositional dialogue in which characters talk to each other about things they are already both well aware of.

You should also spend a little time editing your writing. You make a few grammatical mistakes. Some of which simply go against screenwriting guidelines, others you'll notice when going back and rereading it. Some of the issues that are screenplay no nos. The only tense that should ever been used in a screenplay is PRESENT TENSE. You are describing what is happening at the very moment it is occurring. He sits, he shouts, he shoots, he dances, he busts into flames for absolutely no reason, etc. Additionally, in your action, avoid words like then, begins, or starts to. Describe it as it happens. If Ryan reaches for his gun and then loads it, write it as RYAN REACHES FOR HIS GUN AND LOADS IT. No need for then. No need for someone to begin to do something, or start to do something. They simply do it. Additionally, also as Jax_Rox mentioned, you cannot express a character's emotions in your action, only what we as the audience can see.

As for your dialogue, you're a little bit too on point with what they are saying. Sure, some people are blunt, but you have to remember, your characters are talking to each other, not the audience. You can build suspense and tension about what's going on with your dialogue. You have an interesting setting here and your characters talk about it blandly, as if it's just another day in the neighborhood. The more you talk around the point, the more you tell the audience about what's actually going on, and you tell us a lot more about the characters. For example (and I know this is not in the script yet, just in your introduction.) Brandy writes that she won't have time for her diary anymore because of her wedding and child. It seems clunky and unnecessary. Would you not have time for a diary anymore because of a spouse and child? If you didn't, would you bother writing it down? I know it may seem like a vital plot point to you that she's written that, but if it causes a character to act in a weird, unnatural way, then it is unnecessary.

As for the way your story is unfolding, do we need to hear right off the bat what's going on in the world? Sometimes, it's best to start with your characters, and see who they are and see how little things are off. Such as, an abandoned suburban community. It will leave us with questions. Questions are good. Let the story unfold rather than telling it to us all upfront.

One final thought: What is your intention with the introduction. Was it to tell us, on this forum who are reading your script, where you intend to go with it? I was unsure why it was there.


I wish you and your brother the best of luck with your screenwriting.

 

[jax_rox]

One big thing in screenwriting is the difference between text and subtext: Text is what is being said, Subtext is what's really going on. For a really simple example, if someone having a terrible day is asked 'how are you', them replying 'I'm great' is the text. The fact that they're really miserable is the subtext. Subtext is a fundamental of scripts, and you can show this through movements, actions or inactions and also the way things are said. Good scripts are full of subtext.

Also, there's generally a three-act (or more) structure that most scripts somewhat conform too. Look it up, as it may be helpful to you, though you may want to get more of a stranglehold on writing first - I know when I was first starting out, the three act structure confused me more than anything, but once I actually got writing and was taught simply what the three act structure really meant, I found it quite simple. Also grab a copy of McKee's 'Story' and/or Syd Field's 'Screenplay' as they can be realy helpful.

 

[FantasySciFi]

The character ryan is going to be in the woods cleaning a dear, setting traps without a second person and i don't know how to put whats in my head on paper (in a script way) since he's not going to be interacting with another person for some time so would i like, write it out like a book or and do V.O.? here and there when needed, does this even make sense? i'm so tired thatand being up for 28hrs i'm sure it doesn't.. lol

You're writing a novel/story, not a movie. Movies are visual with dialogue. Using lots of flashbacks to explain the movie up to this point is no more useful than just showing the movie forward. Using voice over/narration to give details is also unnecessary exposition. Cleaning a deer and setting traps is at most a minute of screen time. Because visually, that's all the audience sees. The question is what comes before and after. The audience can't see what goes on in his head. If that's a visual story, then start with that first and lead up to the deer sequence. Or start with a short flash forward to introduce Ryan.

EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

RYAN (34) sets a trap.

                                   RYAN (V.O.)
         My name is Ryan.  I'm on a mission.

Ryan cleans a deer by the fire.

                                   RYAN (V.O.)
          The world I knew is gone, changed forever.

Ryan pulls a blanket over himself and reads in the diary before
setting aside.

                                   RYAN (V.O.)
           And now there's going to be hell to pay.

INT.  HOUSE - DAY

SUPER:  "Two months earlier"

Ryan's wife, TISHA (28), feeds their baby son, TONY (3), at the
kitchen table as Ryan enters.  

                                    TISHA
            Don't forget we need more milk.

Ryan smiles and kisses Tisha.  He pulls back and looks at
Tony.

                                   RYAN
            And diapers!

Ryan heads out the door.
etc.

The quick flash forward then start your story working back to the point where we begin. It's great that you're thinking about your story in a creative way. But for a first script, develop it sequentially. What goes on inside the head is nearly impossible to translate well to the screen. Narration and flashbacks should be minimal. In the short example above, I introduce the protagonist(s) quickly. I also suggest the conflict though not the details. I further include the diary as a visual hint that can be developed upon later.

Try writing out your treatment first, then break it up into the scenes, then add the dialogue will help you to visualize what the audience sees. That's pretty much what Wheat suggested. Use the diary to flash back to specific events once you catch up the audience to the beginning. It eliminates lots of narration and flashback exposition. You want him to be interacting with people immediately, not down the road. Watching one person for a long time IS DEADLY. If you want it to be a one person narrative, make it a book, not a movie script. Good luck.