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Short, Short Screenplay - Feedback Please!

M

mad_hatter

Hey guys,

Okay, so... Here is the screenplay for my short, short, short movie "The Blind Date":

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&...JiNmItMzUwN2EzMjI5NDhi&hl=en&authkey=CIrv4I0E

It's a thriller/horror. Only five pages, so I was hoping a few of you may read through it and let me know what you think. Does it work? Do you understand it? I've had to break a few formatting rules in writing it, as it involves silent, subtitled images/actions overlapped with completely seperate dialogue (I know, that doesn't really make sense, but hopefully it will if you read the script!!). Can anybody think of any problems that a viewer might have when watching this?

I'm thinking this will be the first thing I shoot, very crudely, on the cheap, purely as a piece on which to practice some very basic lighting and to try and learn some editing and pacing. Audio shouldn't be a problem, as I wouldn't be recording any sync sound, so I should be able to come up with something half-way decent.

Let me know your thoughts!

Cheers.
 
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Seems like a good short for what it's worth. I found the ending painfully predictable, and I found it odd that they would listen to a news broadcast while eating a romantic dinner. Kind of sick, but I can't really talk. :D
 
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Okay, thanks for the input.

They aren't listening to the news during dinner though. The idea would be that the guy puts it on when he's in the kitchen and listens to it. We don't see that happen though, we hear the broadcast as he would have heard it, while we watch their future actions take place. Make sense?

I knew the ending was slightly predictable, hence the reason that I added the last couple of lines in... A bonus twist!

I know it's slightly sick, but what the hell, I'm a horror man through and through, no sense denying that! At least I tried to avoid being too explicit!
 
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mad_hatter said:
...
Does it work? Do you understand it? I've had to break a few formatting rules in writing it, as it involves silent, subtitled images/actions overlapped with completely seperate dialogue (I know, that doesn't really make sense, but hopefully it will if you read the script!!). Can anybody think of any problems that a viewer might have when watching this?

I'm thinking this will be the first thing I shoot, very crudely, on the cheap, purely as a piece on which to practice some very basic lighting and to try and learn some editing and pacing. Audio shouldn't be a problem, as I wouldn't be recording any sync sound, so I should be able to come up with something half-way decent.

Let me know your thoughts!

Cheers.
Click to expand...

As a starter script for you to get your feet wet, I'd say go for it. However, I agree with JRSmithson in that it is so blatantly predictable. The other piece is you give too much exposition by the announcers. Basically you have them telling the audience what the audience already suspects and what they are seeing. So I would eliminate a lot of that dialogue. Have him get up and turn off the news when he goes to the stove. In most cases, saying less is better with narration. Since the film is for your own development with the camera, lighting, etc., I think you can get away with the script.

It is not festival/competition worthy, in my opinion. If I wanted to try it in a festival, I would really need to see a good spin. The cannibal ending isn't it. Part of that is because you tell the audience instead of showing them. And unfortunately, cannabilistic serial killers also tend to be rather cliche. In that sense, it doesn't work. However, you have a workable script if you take out all the expository narrative, develop the characters a bit, and create a more provocative ending.

Build him up as suspicious. You did a good job with the garage scene. Here is were even just a short awkward 'first date' dialogue gives your characters depth. "So what do you do ... for a living?" "I am studying to be a nurse." "Nice house. Is it yours?" "I just rent it." "You?" "I live with my mom." Then start a seemingly normal dinner date except a few mishaps that make him look suspicious. She gets uncomfortable and leaves. He is left confused and starts putting the dishes in the kitchen when he looks out and sees her car. He hears a rustling in the garage. He walks out and sees her there. She shakes her head as he approaches. "Are you okay?" There is a thud and she is covered with a splatter of blood. We see him fall, head bloody and face surprised. The garage door closes. "Mama! I really liked this one." You see the mother with the bloody hammer in her hand. "Men are good for only one thing. Help me prepare him!" The daughter puts on an apron and begins sharpening a knife. Girl stoops next to unconscious man. "I'm sorry. I really did like you. But mama says no." Fade to black.

You want something that leads the audience in one direction then comes at them out of the blue. And it stays true to your horror instinct. But it could be an alter ego, evil twin, different murderer, etc. Maybe he's the one that gets away. He sees her caught by police on the television at night. Those are some of the approaches that I might use.

Again, it's your short to try out new techniques. Keep the dialogue short and clean. Use your visuals and actions to set false expectations. It keeps your sets limited to the kitchen, dining room, and garage. Have fun.
 
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Thanks Fantasy.

You're completely right, it is cliche. But I need something very basic to start with. The idea that the reporters are talking about the killer while we see this innocent man doing seemingly everyday tasks is supposed to be setting him up as the killer.

The trouble I now have with your suggestions (which, for the record, I do really like) is that, with a seperate audio track, I'm sure I could record a semi-decent track in a controlled environment, without having to worry too much about the many, many issues that come with recording sync-sound. Playing this as a completely straight narrative piece would require recording of dialogue and a score of some sorts, both of which i'm not really ready to delve into yet. Do you think it could work as a completely silent piece? Maybe giving a few details about this killer through newspaper headlines, maybe some images on a TV news report?

Another note on character development, I'm not intending this for festival entry and, realistically, i'm hoping to keep it at 2-3 minutes, hence the lack of any 'real' character development and being so reliant on the news broadcast to give a kind-of false development.

Not sure where to go with this now.... I think i'll try a rewrite from scratch, removing the news report and adding a little character development, try and think up a slightly different ending.

But still, thank you both for the kind words, if you think its workable as a practice piece, I may still go ahead with it as is, maybe try and storyboard it, see how it looks (although I'm terrible at drawing!).
 
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So....

Here is a second version of the script I have written:

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&...ExZmItYTM1MThjMjg3ODk0&hl=en&authkey=CP6exaAB

It's faily rushed, but I've taken into account the above comments and made some drastic changes. Not sure myself whether this really makes any real difference story-wise. My concern with the new version is that it's written to be shot with sound, the recording of which isn't something I want to rush into trying to learn (or force/pay someone to do for me!).

Any thoughts on this new version, when compared to the old?
 
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Good improvements

This version is much improved. The ending shows good thinking. The dialogue is also better suited to the film. There are just a few important points.

1. Always keep in mind continuity.
On p.5, the girl is covered in blood on her face and dress. She washes her face, but her dress continues to be stained. So when she opens the door to see Alice, Alice will see the blood on her dress. So immediately we have a new witness. Now an immediate solution that fits in so well with the horror genre is to delay the killing. Have David paralyzed, only able to move his eyes. Now when Alice comes to call, the girl is still neat. I might flashback to David see him desperate for help as the girl talks to Alice. Perhaps a wide angle shot of the three then cut to a close up of David his eyes darting about with the voices off camera. When Alice leaves, the girl returns to her paralyzed victim, and taunts him before the kill. We get to see the blood splatter and maybe have her savor the blood on her hand.

2. In the script are a number of grammatical and spelling errors. (p.2 "tidy's" should be "tidies", p.3 "the man and the girl are sat at the table ..." should be "David and the girl sit at the table ...", etc.). A poorly proofed script is the surest way to be rejected if you submit it professionally. Most readers will overlook a couple typos. But too many errors send a red flag. I know this is for you to shoot for yourself. Just be aware that this is an issue if you start marketing your scripts.

3. It's best to use names whenever possible. This makes the script more readable. Since you mention David later, use that as his name in the beginning. On p. 1, "DAVID (early 20's) stands by a work surface in the kitchen prepping tomatoes to cut." You say ".... over to Eric Jones ..." then use Reporter. Just say "JONES " and "EMMA" since you reveal their names.

4. You would use a Voice Over (V.O.) for a narration. In your case, we are listening to it over a radio. There are some different ideas how to represent this: "JONES (ON RADIO)" or "JONES (FILTERED)". The first is more modern. The latter is more traditional. It doesn't really matter which is used. Filtered is mostly used with intercoms, speakers, phones, etc. Since this is your shooting script, it's not a serious issue.

5. On p.3 they meet each other. Have him look at her and introduce himself awkwardly. "Oh, I'm David." He holds out his hand with the cut finger. "Rhianna. Are you bleeding?" He gets embarrassed and withdraws it. He invites her inside. Now you have RHIANNA instead of GIRL. Again, you want to create a connection for the audience. Giving the girl a name helps.

I think you did a good job fixing the story elements. The continuity is the big issue.
 
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Thanks again, Fantasy!

A few points then:

1. I did think of this, hence the reason I wrote that she opens the door slightly ajar. However, when I read this dialogue, I do visualise the door wide open, less aggressive/defensive, so you are quite right.

2. I definitely should have spotted “tidy’s”, I’m normally the one correcting peoples English! As far as “are sat at” vs. “sit at” is concerned, is that a huge problem? They’re both in the present tense, I wasn’t aware there was a huge problem with this? I’ll definitely give it a more thorough read-through.

3. In the original version, names were never spoken, hence the reason they’re “MAN” and “GIRL”. The reason I did this goes along with the lack of character development, I didn’t really want, or feel the need, for people to identify with these characters. Now they’ve been built up a little more, I should probably change this.

4. I wasn’t sure about this… In the original version, the radio dialogue became a kind-of narration, so I went with (V.O.). I guess I’ll go with (ON RADIO).

5. Same point as no. 3 really, I can give her a name, but I’ll certainly be trying to avoid Rihanna! :lol:

Thanks for all the help.
 
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Here are my immediate impressions:

Why does the radio keep going despite the fact that time is progressing? Are we hearing the radio in each room (as with the first shot) or does it simply become a voiceover to a montage? It sounds as if the news broadcast is a single item, so if you have that progressing at the same rate despite the fact that time is clearly elapsing, well, it might look odd.

I would be tempted to say 'wait a little longer before revealing that it's a horror at all'. The radio comes in pretty strong immediately after he circles the ad, so we know straight away what we're supposed to be looking for. If you perhaps had him going about his daily business, preparing for the date, with the radio gradually tuning from some other news story into one about the Blind Date killer, then it might be more effective.

Part of me was also saying 'surely the news broadcast would publicise the fact that all the victims were men?' but that's possibly an unfair, nitpicky criticism. Another, logical, part of my brain said that surely the last thing the killer would do would be to open the door at the end when the real blind date arrives. Also (this has just struck me) how did the killer know when and where the blind date was arranged for? Presumably she also knew that they looked physically similar?

But all in all I enjoyed it. It was a nice twist and could be pretty simple/effective to execute so I'd certainly say give it a go! :)
 
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Thanks Nick!

Yes, the radio broadcast becomes a narration over the action we are seeing. Perhaps this would be a bit clearer (or maybe more confusing???) if I didn’t show the man tuning in the radio at all? We just hear it, therefore making it a completely separate entity?

Having the news reveal the details of the killer was designed to set the man up as the killer. I do like the idea of leading into it from another news item though, maybe that would create a false sense of security.

You’re absolutely right that the news would state that the victims were male earlier on, that the killer probably wouldn’t open the door and there’s almost no possible way for her to have known that this date had even been set up, or that they looked alike, but if I worried too much about plotholes like this, I’d almost certainly never make a film!!! :)

I think another re-write is in order!
 
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After : The girl looks up, a slight look of concern on her face.
I would leave the radio commentary be for a while. We don't need to be told the victims are male. I also don't think we need to see her drugging him. The audience will get it completely.
Don't bring the radio back until she is sat eating some meat at the kitchen table in a state of bliss.(Throw in some sauce to boot) Then allude to the rumours of cannabalism and cut to the knife on the floor by the victims body in a pool of blood. Last frame: his stricken face in the foreground, mouth open with the woman in the background eating her man. Oh and give the man a pet. The audience always wonder what's gonna happen to the budgie, cat, dog etc..
 
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As most people have pointed out - we all see it coming - so why not play with that expectation? Use it to your advantage. The woman strikes the man. He lays there dying. Then she toys with him a little.
She is about to deliver the fatal blow when she takes a funny turn. he has drugged her too.
She falls to the floor. The man grins. He musters up enough energy to stab her. They both die on the floor looking directly into each others eyes.
Cut to a budgie prunning its feathers (or a cat cleaning its paws) and in the background the man and woman lay motionless.
Have just read the new draft and I don't think you need all that dialogue- If it's a first film, one with which to experiment with then stick to the visuals more. They could be just meeting for casual sex - that does away with the need for small talk instantly. I would sleep on it for a day and then start from the very beginning. All the best
 
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