Short script: "gallant bitch"-7 pages

[jrsmithson]

I wrote this scene over a few days. I have no idea what I'm doing, so criticism would be greatly appreciated. It's my first script attempt. check it out if you get a chance
http://www.mediafire.com/?5cp8uxmtam35b6a

 

[Adeimantus]

So here's what I got:

A drunk woman is at a bar at closing time. She makes a lot of arcane historical references that I (and the bartender) don't get (and don't have the time to google), twiddles a knife, threatens him with it and then nearly jams it in the bartender's hand when he doesn't recognize a photo of her father that she produces.

Is that about it?

Sorry, but I'm not catching any story here, unless this is merely the opening scene.

As David Mamet says, anybody can write a good opening sequence. The hard part is writing a good middle and closing act.

Cheers!

-Charles

 

[jrsmithson]

So here's what I got:

A drunk woman is at a bar at closing time. She makes a lot of arcane historical references that I (and the bartender) don't get (and don't have the time to google), twiddles a knife, threatens him with it and then nearly jams it in the bartender's hand when he doesn't recognize a photo of her father that she produces.

Is that about it?

Sorry, but I'm not catching any story here, unless this is merely the opening scene.

As David Mamet says, anybody can write a good opening sequence. The hard part is writing a good middle and closing act.

Cheers!

-Charles

Thanks for the read! Yeah, it's my first script, so I didn't even consider that I should tell a story. I was only thinking about what the characters would say to each other, without any plot or story in mind. I forgot to work in that her father was kidnapped and frequented the bar. I was trying to use subtext, but I don't think I did it right. And it was supposed to be a scene from something larger. And I'll leave out the arcane historical references. I found a really good post you wrote on the subject:

Story.

Story.

Story.




Screenwriter Robert McKee:

Literary talent is not enough. If you cannot tell a story, all those beautiful images and subtleties of dialogue that you spent months and months perfecting waste the paper they're written on. What we create for the world, what it demands of us, is story. Now and forever. Countless writers lavish dressy dialogue and manicured descriptions on anorexic yarns and wonder why their scripts never see production, while others with modest literary talent but great storytelling power have the deep pleasure of watching their dreams living in the light of the screen.

Of the total creative effort represented in a finished work, 75 percent or more of a writer's labor goes into designing story. Who are these characters? What do they want? Why do they want it? How do they go about getting it? What stops them? What are the consequences? Finding the answers to these grand questions and shaping them into story is our overwhelming creative task.


Thanks!

 

[kjones]

jr-

Had some notes for you to use or toss:
- I thought your dialogue exchanges were engaging, pacing was good, certainly an edge to Amber. Enjoyed the off-beat references to King Henry, etc.

- Had trouble with the bartender, though, he seemed to be on long-standing terms with her, and with his non-chalance can only assume she plays with the knife every time she goes to the bar, or she's whacked out some other way and he's comfortable with her that way. His reaction to $1000 was a dud-- wouldn't he be surprised in some way? If all this is normal to *him,* it's a little harder for me to care about her issue. Maybe some hints/forshadowing that "tonight is different." Hard to tell without knowing what came before.

- This might be a good scene in the middle or last part of the story, but it's stand alone right now and therefore hard to decipher from what it is. Simply too many references without set-up (e.g., father, butterfly knife, $1000).

- Sorry, don't buy her big arc-swing of the knife only going in an 1/8" unless you show her precision with said knife earlier in the story. And why would he care about a nick? My cats give me worse injuries.

Bottom line: Your scene has potential, write up the climax or an earlier scene and post it. I'd read it!

Keep on a going!