short screenplay critique please

[Dexter7176]

Hi everyone,
Can you please give me some constructive criticism on my short screenplay, even if you only read the first page!
cheers
http://www.mediafire.com/view/mvzgz3hhtj6606g/This is Love print out and hand in.pdf

 

[PhantomScreenwriter]

Well that was an interesting read! I never saw what happened coming. The dialogue was really good I liked the way they spoke to one another. Good job

 

[Dexter7176]

Well that was an interesting read! I never saw what happened coming. The dialogue was really good I liked the way they spoke to one another. Good job

Thanks very much for the feedback it's greatly appreciated. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
If anyone's interested I have another but this is more of a character arc.
http://www.mediafire.com/view/vhgkbstf6bkwyvo/Bad News.pdf

 

[Birdman]

"The boats never been in." should be "The boat's never been in."

"The films so bad it makes fun of itself." should be "The film's so bad it makes fun of itself."

=========================
GEORGE
It’s over rated.

SANDRA
The book?

GEORGE
No, romance.

SANDRA
(softly)
How would you know.
=======================

...Excellent!

Your script is one of the better ones I have read. There are small formatting issues that need fixing. Other than that, nice work.

-Birdman

 

[Dexter7176]

"The boats never been in." should be "The boat's never been in."

"The films so bad it makes fun of itself." should be "The film's so bad it makes fun of itself."

=========================
GEORGE
It’s over rated.

SANDRA
The book?

GEORGE
No, romance.

SANDRA
(softly)
How would you know.
=======================

...Excellent!

Your script is one of the better ones I have read. There are small formatting issues that need fixing. Other than that, nice work.

-Birdman

Hi, glad you enjoyed it, my grammar/spelling has never been good so thanks for the corrections. Thanks for taking the time to read my work, i appreciate your comments, cheers.

 

[ChimpPhobiaFilms]

What are you planning to do with the script? Sell it or make it yourself? If you're making it yourself, it doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense to others, as long as you know that it makes sense.

 

[Dexter7176]

What are you planning to do with the script? Sell it or make it yourself? If you're making it yourself, it doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense to others, as long as you know that it makes sense.

Hi thanks for the feedback its greatly appreciated. I'm an adult student in my last year of a screen writing degree. I wrote it as I had to write a short that contained certain elements, I did get a upper first class for it so I was pretty pleased. One of the media production lectures has asked if he could make it, but to be honest I would like to do it myself. I think I will shelve it for now until I have the necessary skills to make it. I can relate with your point as my wife was not keen on the ending, although my kids had no problem with it making sense. Sorry you couldn't understand it, but thanks for reading!

 

[ChimpPhobiaFilms]

Hi thanks for the feedback its greatly appreciated. I'm an adult student in my last year of a screen writing degree. I wrote it as I had to write a short that contained certain elements, I did get a upper first class for it so I was pretty pleased. One of the media production lectures has asked if he could make it, but to be honest I would like to do it myself. I think I will shelve it for now until I have the necessary skills to make it. I can relate with your point as my wife was not keen on the ending, although my kids had no problem with it making sense. Sorry you couldn't understand it, but thanks for reading!

No, I could understand it. I just know as a screenwriter that sometimes there are things that are difficult to explain in text. I also know about having small grammatical mistakes

It sounded like Birdman stopped some small problems, and I just wanted to let you know that it is okay to small mistakes such as the ones listed if you are making it yourself.

Anyway, good luck!

 

[PhantomScreenwriter]

The dialogue felt real. The story had me wondering where it was going. It starts of as something cliche but when you view it as a whole the cliche aspect works because it goes against what you'd normally expect.

I'd definitely put this into production because I feel that this would be an effective short.

The second script titled "Bad News" is a good script. I was shocked at the revelation in that story, I couldn't help but let out a short laugh at how much it was so unlucky for the character. There were moments where it seemed unrealistic though. Overall this one is a good short but compared to the other it's not as good. Still, Bad News has it's merits and with a bit more work on the police and the tramp angle (this part seemed unrealistic) it will be better.

 

[mad_hatter]

Hey, I like this. It's interesting. I can picture it looking somewhat like "You're Next". A few grammatical errors, but nothing too major. Well formatted. Good work!

One story based issue though; an inconsistency... Why does the "prank" killer scratch the mask? This implies that he's wearing the mask that George put the itching powder in. But that mask was a movie prop, right? And the "prank" killer is from some company that arrange these kind of pranks, yes? So, those wouldn't be the same two masks..... If that is the case, I think the fix would be to remove any reference to 'Werewolves' in any of Georges work.

Good stuff!