Short Screenplay: "Angel Maniac"... Feedback Highly Appreciated

[lbradfordknowles]

Hello IndieTalk comrades,

I have recently written a short screenplay named "Angel Maniac" and I am looking for feedback on it. I would particularly appreciate anything that you have to say about the clarity and flow of the script. I am especially interested in learning from your comments.

I hope that it's alright to post a link to the document as it appears on Scribd.com. I think that it will be the best way for you all to view it.

http://www.scribd.com/full/45347248?access_key=key-1jjhd4srg7toc6nlc3h7

Thank you,
Luke Bradford Knowles

 

[VPTurner]

Woah. Okay, I will keep reading, but the very first slugline is missing the location. And you established an INT. (interior) setting, but your character is walking to work at the north end of a market.

It probably should be (or similar):

EXT. NORTH END MARKET - EARLY MORNING

And then when his boss opens the door, do they have that conversation at the door, or do they actually step inside? If so, the setting would change again:

INT. CORNER STORE - DAY

And so on. Anytime the location changes, the slugline should indicate where we are.

 

[Grand Upper]

Just put;

EXT. NORTH END MARKET - DAY

..and then specify if it's morning in your description (if it's essential). I'm really not sure why, but there appears to be a current craze of specifying time of the day in sluglines, when it should just be NIGHT or DAY. It's just tidier.

Also -

John Whitman is walking to his pace of work...

..should really be

JOHN WHITMAN walks to his place of work...

..better yet

JOHN WHITMAN, early thirties, lumbers to his workplace. He hasn't shaved today.

It should be written in present tense, so get rid of the 'ing' and make it happen NOW. You're telling me a story first, remember. I see on screen he's walking, but that's written as 'he walks' etc.

Also, the first time you mention a name, it should be done in all capitals. No exceptions. It's almost always better to add some kind of brief description, too. I added a rough age to give the reader a clue on who this guy is. Unshaven tells me a lot in one word. Obviously this is your character and I'm not trying to add details you don't intend : >.

Also is this is a spec script or written for yourself? If it's spec, get rid of..

DISSOLVE TO:

it's not your job to direct what's happening, and some directors might take this as an affront.

You also use parenthesis a lot in your dialogue.

(FRUSTRATED)

(sarcastically)

(more sarcasm)

(puzzles)

(angrily and yelling)

etc etc..

Don't tell your actors how to act on page; they hate it. It's the same logic as removing transitions and shot selections from your screenplay. Lose them unless it's CRITICAL. If two guys are having an argument, I think it's pretty obvious when someone says something angrily. If it's not obvious - rewrite until it is.

Final note, some of your description are incredibly long between actions. As a rule of thumb, I try to never exceed four lines per paragraph when writing description. Keep it short and simple, or the reader gets bored.

I haven't critiqued the story yet as I feel there are a lot of formatting things to be worked on first. Hopefully I provided some useful help. I look forward to reading a second draft.

 

[lbradfordknowles]

I haven't critiqued the story yet as I feel there are a lot of formatting things to be worked on first. Hopefully I provided some useful help. I look forward to reading a second draft.

Yes
Thank you both for the formatting problems... I'm not exactly a master of them yet.

I will correct them presently... but is there anyone that might be able to critique the "literary" value of the story?

 

[VPTurner]

Dialogue is too on the nose. People don't really talk like that, saying exactly what's on their mind. And there's talking the plot, characters saying exactly what happened or is going to happen. Show, don't tell.

I'm not really sure what you're were trying to accomplish overall. John's "boss" doesn't think twice or scold John about being an ass to the customer. And then his boss just runs out with supposedly a winning lottery ticket? If he's buying "top dollar gourmet toothpaste from Brazil", I don't see him just abandoning his store like that. Clearly he has money to waste on top dollar items. Doesn't seem plausible to me.

Then you abandon that setup completely and jump to John getting beat into submission (literally) and intellectual humility by a prostitute.

Perhaps give an idea of what your intention was.

 

[lbradfordknowles]

I'm not really sure what you're were trying to accomplish overall. John's "boss" doesn't think twice or scold John about being an ass to the customer. And then his boss just runs out with supposedly a winning lottery ticket? If he's buying "top dollar gourmet toothpaste from Brazil", I don't see him just abandoning his store like that. Clearly he has money to waste on top dollar items. Doesn't seem plausible to me.

A) I may have made an error in the character cues and I will check that but it is intended to be that John wins the lottery ticket and that is how he has the money to get the prostitute.

Perhaps a few lines of connecting would be a good idea just to make sure that point is solid.

As for the "On the nose dialog". Thank you for pointing it out and I will definitely try to work with your advice in mind.

I think that it makes a lot more sense when point "A" is made clear.

 

[VPTurner]

A) I may have made an error in the character cues and I will check that but it is intended to be that John wins the lottery ticket and that is how he has the money to get the prostitute.

Perhaps a few lines of connecting would be a good idea just to make sure that point is solid.

As for the "On the nose dialog". Thank you for pointing it out and I will definitely try to work with your advice in mind.

I think that it makes a lot more sense when point "A" is made clear.

Oh, my bad. It was John who found it.

My ADD is showing....

Breaking it down...

John goes to work, finds a winning lottery ticket in the trash, rushes out and buys time with a prostitute who changes his outlook on life. Is that the gist of it?

 

[lbradfordknowles]

Exactly