Script intro, check her out

[ConorJC]

Intro to a new story I want to tell. I was lookin' for some feedback. I'ma try an finish this thing by summer. I gotta great soundtrack line up that I have in mind. Tell me what you thought.





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I N D I G N A N T
K N I G H T S


WRITTEN
by
Conor J.

STORY
by
Conor J.


LOVERS CROSS PATHS...

LIKE TWO HOT CAR WIRES CROSS ANOTHER...


FIRST DRAFT – EDIT



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Love...
Is a burning thing...
And it makes...
A fiery ring...
Bound by wild desire...
I fell into a ring of fire...


– Johnny Cash, Ring of Fire



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EXT. HIGHWAY 58 – THE DEAD OF NIGHT


Red fluid collects in small pools over white stripes of tar. Blood battered carnage left from a serious ass whoopin'. There is a mangled Mandingo lookin' negro over the pavement, his name's WARREN. He lies sideways on the road with his teeth kicked in and his guts kicked out. He's bleeding like a stuck pig.

The impending danger hanging over his shoulder is MR. WYATT KHAN and MRS. LESLEY KAHN. Two star crossed highway lovers basking in the heat of bloody satisfaction. Behind the scene of the crime is a 1976 Toyota Riviera burning fuel and blaring AL GREEN, CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU. The car belongs to Warren.

It's also important to mention that right next to Warren's set of hot wheels is another. This one belongs to the boys in blue. The former owners of this beautiful black Maria, Sgt. CLIF MCDONNELL and Pvt. NAT GIFFORD, have since been KIA. Both killed in the line of duty while on watch for two jail-broken love birds who flew the coupe.

It's also note worthy and worth mentioning to address Wyatt and Lesley's attire. Wyatt is donning a much too tight copper's blues as is his significant other, only hers is much too baggy. The tag on one of the uniforms reads McDonnell, the other reads Gifford. Blood splattered bullet holes are riddled across each uniform. Wyatt now leans against the butt end of his Remington with genuine nonchalance. By his side is Lesley crouching over Warren with a nightstick slung over her shoulder.


WARREN
(coughing and spitting up blood)
I swear to fuckin' god man, your safe! I won't tell a fuckin' soul, on my mothers grave! Just let me go! I don't wanna' die! Oh God!


WYATT
(holds shotgun to Warren's face)
See this? I oughta' drill this up your ass and break it off just on general principal. But I don't wanna' get my hands dirty.


Warren tears up a little bit and whimpers.


LESLEY
I seen shit like you on every street corner of Inglewood. Dealin' smack, beatin' women, stealin' from your own mommas' neighborhoods. You two-bit Ike Turner motherfuckers make me sick. Let's lynch him.


WARREN
The fuck? I never sold drugs to nobody or nothin' man!


WYATT
Don't play Bambi in the fuckin' woods with me you piece of shit! Or we'll beat you blue til' you shit in your pants!


WARREN
(sniveling)
I'm sorry! Don't hurt me!


WYATT
You believe in heaven Warren?


WARREN
Yes.


WYATT
Than I'd have to assume you believe in a hell?


WARREN
Yes.


WYATT
-Look at me when I'm talkin' to you motherfucker! Do you believe in hell?


WARREN
(Fear for his life in his eyes)
Yes!


WYATT
Than you would agree that there is a devil?


WARREN
Yes!


WYATT
I make that motherfucker look like preschool motherfucker! I put the John Wayne in John Wayne Gacy! I'm Hellraiser I, II, and III! You think for one goddamn second I'ma let your ass off easy you can bet your lucky fucking stars I'ma rain hell on you!


LESLEY
(joyous)
Oh boo can I read him his Miranda rights? I always wanted to do that!


WYATT
Be my guess beach baby.


LESLEY
Oh giddy! Okay than. Ahem...
(mutters “Always wanted to say this”)
You have the right to remain silent.
(WALLOP! Nightstick swings across Warren's chest)


Warren gasps for air. He ain't gettin' any.


LESLEY
Understand? Anything you do and or say will be used in the court of law against you.
(THWAK! Right to the gut)
Understand?


Lesley's in a frenzy now. She bashes his face in like she were tryin' crack open a coconut shell. Wyatt joins in. The fury fades as everything dims to blackness.



CUT TO:

CREDIT SEQUENCE:
ABBA, DANCING QUEEN



I N D I G N A N T K N I G H T S



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[ConorJC]

Thank you dude, finally some constructive criticism.

That's an interesting idea, sounds like the Stage Manager in Our Town. I can see where you'd criticize the script there. It's a lot of swearing in short bursts, I got a filthy mouth and I need to restrain that to a degree. It certainly needs tweaking, far too many lines come off like one liners. Like looking back Wyatt is really just a completion of one line remarks haha.

 

[bird]

Conor, I haven't read your 'script intro' so will not forward a critique. I will say, after skimming some other posts, that Tarantino can pretty much use whatever formating he chooses, he's his own 'buyer', so to speak. You, I assume, want to market your work for other people to produce. Well, just like any other industry, there are rules you (should) follow to make your script more marketable...and it all starts with structure.
You'd be amazed at how freeing specific parameters can be towards presenting (your) unique voice. Think of it this way, you're not compromising your artistic integrity, you're making concessions to make the work more palatable to the largest demographic. What's so bad about that?

If you want to make art, then make it...nothing should stop you, no criticism should deter you, just don't expect people to bankroll it. (I know of which I speak)

 

[ConorJC]

I believe it man. Eventually I'll get the rules straight, my goal right now is to finish my writing the way I want, then go back and make it suitable to market. I get what you're saying dude and I agree. I'm not in the business of making everybody happy as far as story and dialogue go but I don't see any problem in writing it out in structure as long as it goes my way on screen. I'd really kinda like to leave Tarantino out of the conversation from now on, unless it's in reference to something specific. Just a request, no one has to listen to it if they don't want just kinda what I'd prefer to be more productive.

 

[danjfiore]

Yeah, I have sort of a love-hate relationship with the dialogue in this...

On one side, it's very creative and colorful. I LOVE "I put the John Wayne in John Wayne Gayce." That's absolutely brilliant.

However, on the other side, I think it's very obvious you ARE trying to emulate Tarantino. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, I just think that the over-abundance of profanity makes it sort of obvious. My personal advice, is to take about half of it out and leave the parts where it's supposed to be absolutely necessary. Where you really want it to have an effect on the viewer. The problem with over-using profanity is that after awhile, it stops being effective and starts just being repetitive. You want to use it as a Slap to the viewer's ear. Tarantino definitely has a different take on this, as he uses it mostly as prose. If that's how you're trying to use it, then make sure you know what each fuck and shit and motherfucker does to the sentence and you're not using it just to use it. Hopefully, that makes sense. It really just all depends on what you consider your own personal "voice" to be.

 

[ConorJC]

Thanks for the complement and the advice. I usually don't use foul language as a tactic but more as a realistic form of speech. None the less I saw your point completely and changes have been made