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critique reworked a scene of mine, could i get an idea on its quality? 3 pages

Scene is still being reworked and is not finished. My Formatting needs to be fixed but I wanted to get this on a page, I apologize for the formatting. This is my first scene/screenplay and I am trying to improve my storytelling.


  • rewrites.pdf
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Staff Member
Deal with your formatting - seriously. This is the 2nd time you've posted this basic scene and you need to deal with that issue.

As far as the scene itself, the dialogue feels very stilted and artificial. Who says "our neighbor John"?
Something like "I hear John's been screwing around" sounds a lot more natural.

And who says "it's the first time we've had dinner together in a long time"?
If this is/has been an issue, consider something like:
"You've been complaining that we never have dinner together."

You're writing in an artificial manner designed to convey information. Work on conveying anything essential in a casual way.

I find it helpful to eavesdrop on people at bars, restaurants, and grocery stores to get a handle on how people talk in real life. You may find that useful.

And skip things like "brings his hands to his face." Not needed and best developed by the director (whether you or someone else) when working with the actors on set.

Good luck and deal with the formatting. It may feel unimportant but I'm not going to critique another iteration of this until you get a handle on that issue.
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