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Review for new screenplay

EddieLeonardo

EddieLeonardo

Hello everyone, I have been working hard on a couple of screenplays since wretched decree. I have a new script that I would like people to volunteer a review. If you have the time to check it out, let me know and I will send you a copy.
 
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Ok first off it's potentially a good screenplay, but as it stands it needs a bit of work.

FIrst thing is the formatting. There's a good description on how to format a script here...

http://www.exposure.co.uk/eejit/script/index.html

It's a tad out of date but a good script editor will make sure it first perfectly...

http://www.mindstarprods.com/cinergy/ScriptEditor.html

That one is free and very straight forward. I recommend using those to format your script perfectly before next draft.

After that I guess I'll get onto details. Some of the dialogue is awesome, some is a little rushed but nothing another few drafts won't fix. One thing though, the whole infidelity line seemed a little irrelvant once Maria showed up anyway if you know what I mean. She obviously set it up long beforehand that they wanted the money so the affair would have been in her knowledge. Aside from that the 'presumed dead' thing made me laugh although James' sudden entrance wasa tad predicatable yet rather sudden. Maybe work on a better entrance for him. A more knowing line from Jack perhaps? 'It's about time' or something.

Anyways if you redraft in a script editor (then I'm afraid your best bet for sharing it is to copy and paste everything into wordpad thus ruining ypour formatting but still being perfectly readable) post back here.
 
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Rankles said:
Ok first off it's potentially a good screenplay, but as it stands it needs a bit of work.

FIrst thing is the formatting. There's a good description on how to format a script here...

http://www.exposure.co.uk/eejit/script/index.html

It's a tad out of date but a good script editor will make sure it first perfectly...

http://www.mindstarprods.com/cinergy/ScriptEditor.html

That one is free and very straight forward. I recommend using those to format your script perfectly before next draft.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the links, I have bookmarked them and will use a script editor for the next revision.



Rankles said:
After that I guess I'll get onto details. Some of the dialogue is awesome, some is a little rushed but nothing another few drafts won't fix. One thing though, the whole infidelity line seemed a little irrelvant once Maria showed up anyway if you know what I mean. She obviously set it up long beforehand that they wanted the money so the affair would have been in her knowledge.
Click to expand...

With Sarah, I am trying to allude that the entire night is a setup, the invite, her trying to get Jack to divulge the location of the money, her trying to get Jack to admit he cheated, with the exception of James and Jose.
In other words Sarah knew that Jack had cheated but wanted him to tell her. If I am not clear on this, let me know, and I will re-work it.



Rankles said:
Aside from that the 'presumed dead' thing made me laugh although James' sudden entrance wasa tad predicatable yet rather sudden. Maybe work on a better entrance for him. A more knowing line from Jack perhaps? 'It's about time' or something.
Click to expand...

A great idea. It would make the entrance a little less sudden.

Rankles said:
Anyways if you redraft in a script editor (then I'm afraid your best bet for sharing it is to copy and paste everything into wordpad thus ruining ypour formatting but still being perfectly readable) post back here.
Click to expand...

Thanks again for reviewing and I can print to an RTF format or a pdf so it should be easy for reading.
 
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If we get a variety of folks reviewing this, you may want to look at http://www.celtx.com . Cinergy has promised a macintosh version of their editor, but it's not out yet. celtx is linux/windows/mac friendly with online storage (I don't trust it yet, but a friend has used it and nothing nefarious has happened) for collaboration.

It works pretty well too.
 
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Since this is being shared around, you may also want to consider paying the $30ish to get it registered with the copyright office. This is also in the publically readable portion of this forum.
 
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Revision 4.0 is now complete.

I am using Celtix to format the script now but am not putting on the upload part for right now. This means I still have word docs.

I have also copyrighted this play with the copyright office.

Thanks again for the help
 
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Final is ready, if anyone would like to look at it.

Thanks to knightly and Rankles for helping me get through the revisions. if there is any advice I can give to anyone writing it would be something that has been repeated here many times: Listen to what needs to be changed, there are some good reasons for changes that are being made and if you can let your baby be critisized, you will have a finished product that will make complete sense and will turn a decent idea, turn into a great screenplay.
 
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