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Realistic teen girl fight

laurenvictoria

laurenvictoria

Penelope is sitting at the lunch table by herself.

PENELOP V.O

I had a visitor at lunch today.

Miranda approaches her

Miranda

Who's that on your sweatshirt?

PENELOPE

Wonder Woman

MIRANDA

Why?

PENELOPE

I dont know... i just really like her

MIRANDA

You like her...like

PENELOPE

No, like, i think she's really cool

Jamie walks up

Miranda

You think she's really cool..

PENELOPE

Yea, she's like perfect, strong , fearless, beautiful.

JAMIE

Everything you're not

MIRANDA

Okay..but do you have to wear it every day

PENELOPE

I dont know, it was a present from my dad when i was younger. so i just like to

Jamie

She's probably hiding fat behind it

Jamie laughs

Miranda

That doesn't mean you should wear it everyday. How does your mom let you leave home everyday like that

PENELOPE

...She's never home

MIRANDA

And your dad

PENELOPE

He died when i was 8

JAMIE

Thats not an excuse to look like...that

Miranda

Yea, do you realize how gross you look wearing that everday

PENELOPE

What i wear is none of your business

MIRANDA

Speak to me like that again and i'll kick your ass




this scene is suppose causes penelope to run away. How can i improve
 
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My first instinct was to tell you to cut the dialogue down...

After re-reading it, I changed my mind.

The only thing that you could lose are the three lines:

1. "... she's never home."

Reason: speaking her life out loud. Unless it's part of her character to be oblivious to the fact that she inflicts damage on her own image, then she's a far stretch from a real person. Basically, even as a teen, I would rarely ever just spill anything about my home life to another kid, especially a bully.

Counselor, different story.

2. And your dad?

Reason: It's dialogue, but it's not this character's. It's basically her mouth channeling a question that the audience or writer has, but hasn't worked out completely. She does not care.

However, if the character is making an attempt at showing she cares by being aggressive (hard love), then leave it. In that case, a question mark and a reaction would tell a completely different story.

3. He died when I was 8.

Reason: same as the first. Too much info for the situation.

Now, this is all out of context, so take it with a grain of salt.

You also used the number 8 in dialogue. Spell numbers out (eight). It's less a rule of screenwriting and just proper writing altogether.

Someone may mention to add more action... the dialogue flows (surprisingly) well even for just a blurb, and aside from a few words that sound a bit too proper to my mind's ear, it still works fine.

The pace, at least in my head, works. If you want her to get up, then just have her get up. Does she need to run away? Or, does she just need to remove herself from the conflict out of self-preservation?
 
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I suggest you go on youtube and search for girl fights and catfights. The stuff caught on phone video cameras is very real. It will animate your fight better.

Dumping the tray of food on the girl with the ww shirt is a great idea to start a fight.
 
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