Queen Of Hearts

[Instag8r]

Here is a small four page short that I just finished for a friend of mine who is an actor and an avid poker player. He wanted a poker related script that had a little bit of comedy to it. I am not sure about it. I like it but think that it could be better. Please feel free to give brutal constructive criticism.

You can view (download) the 4 page PDF here ---> http://www.mediafire.com/file/36ed42idaj4tdj2/Queen of Hearts.pdf

 

[Adeimantus]

Hey, Instag8r

I enjoyed that. Sharp dialogue, good descriptions, nice twist.

No serious nits. You might trim the dialogue a tad in a few places, but other than that, I got nothin'.

Thanks for the read!

Cheers!

-Charles

 

[barnaclelapse]

I liked it, too. You've really got that dialog rocking and rolling. To be perfectly honest no suggestions for changes come to mind.

 

[jrsmithson]

Nice! I like the double entendre of the title, and the twist ending. I like the comparisons( "fresh as spring"). I never realized how hard it is to picture a card game in your mind. The dialogue was economical, not too long-winded or too short.. I wouldn't change a thing.

 

[Filman]

Yeah the humor is perfect for poker. What makes you unsure seems to be character development. My first thought was that it could start with that the audience moves towards the table.

 

[Grand Upper]

You say he has Kings then say 'He jubilantly flips over the aces and stands up' btw.

 

[Adeimantus]

After thinking about it for a bit, something has occurred to me.

Outside of the physical descriptions, there's not a lot to distinguish Doc from Jack in their speech. They talk the same, for the most part.

I'd consider making a stronger distinction in social station and/or background. Maybe Jack's opponent is a tough-guy construction worker, for example. In my opinion, that'd give you a bit more to play with in the humor department as far as the dialogue back and forth goes.

 

[Instag8r]

Hey gang, thanks for the input. Sorry for the tardy follow up but I have been busy the past two days and not on the computer much. I appreciate all the comments and I'm glad that you responded positively to the script.

Adeimantus and Filman... I think that you are spot on about the distinction between the two character's dialogue/development and their station in life. That may very well be what is bothering me. I will work on it a bit and re-post sometime later this week for another evaluation.

Thanks to all who replied. It was very helpful.