POLL: How is this opening scene?

How is the opening?

  • Perfect, smart and fast.

    Votes: 2 40.0%

  • It's great! Only, it drags a bit.

    Votes: 2 40.0%

  • It's okay, I guess...

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Not so good, man...

    Votes: 1 20.0%
  • Total voters
    5
  • Poll closed .
F

fernando97echeverria

One of my feature screenplays, "TRAVELERS", a contemporary sci-fi crime drama, opens with the two main characters having dinner and discussing their lives. I'm attaching just this scene (the opening 6 pages):

http://www.mediafire.com/?u4n46f9lfanxn68

Please vote your opinion, and post any feedback. It'd be appreciated greatly. Thanks!

Also: How is the dialogue? Is it fluid or rocky?
 
Sure. Clear and not to be mistaken what you're going for. You're getting in there and
presenting the characters. It has a high charm factor when two guys sit and chat like that.
 
It starts out pretty good, but by the third page it felt a little dragged out...

I think a small feel for the restaurant around them and something going on around the two characters could give some depth. Since you want us to care about these people, adding a little smoke and mirror such as visual bits and pieces of what they are doing helps.

Does Tom/Leo get a stain on his new shirt?
---I think it would be a nice separation if Tom just finishes yelling at Leo for being vulgar, yet the second he stains his shirt he fly's off.
(Of course this is just an outsiders thought, since you know know the characters better. It's just the intention/idea I am expressing.)---

This is just one small idea from a small portion of your script.
 
Thanks for the feedback Filman and Seymour-

You're right- this is just one scene- the most superficial (in terms of themes and moral) of a screenplay that I wrote as being a serious human drama. Tom is supposed to be a more calm, reserved guy whose straight morals are destroyed by greed (caused by the central time machine of the film) by the end of the screenplay. Leo is already erratic and a bad personality from the start.

I'll be sure to post the full thing someday/soon.
 
No worries, I'm all about constructive criticism. My writing partners and I have brutal RED PEN sessions. We leave names out of it, cause the allegiance needs to be with the idea... not the person that came up with it.

If you ever need someone to get some actors together to work a scene out if front of the camera, let me know. I have always wanted to collaborate with someone in an other state.
 
Just curious about formatting, why is "BLONDE" in all caps..
"...has BLONDE HAIR"
That kinda stopped me. If there was a scene where someone says "I can't wait to meet a blonde!" you might have a sentence "the lady enters, she's BLONDE…" To stress the hair color. Sorry if I'm being too critical of writing style. I'm just letting you know what STOPPED me. best of luck.
 
Last edited:
finderskeepers said:
Just curious about formatting, why is "BLONDE" in all caps..
"...has BLONDE HAIR"
That kinda stopped me. If there was a scene where someone says "I can't wait to meet a blonde!" you might have a sentence "the lady enters, she's BLONDE…" To stress the hair color. Sorry if I'm being too critical of writing style. I'm just letting you know what STOPPED me. best of luck.
Click to expand...

Thanks for reading, man. Ah, yeah, I don't know why I capitalized that. I realized I was capitalizing too much (BEER, SHIRT, DRINKS :lol: ) so I went back and fixed it, I guess that slipped.

Thanks anyway! :D
 
My question is do we need to know their hair color at all? If I'm a name actor with red hair, would I say "I guess I don't fit either one of these roles, too bad stop reading now… darn!" (Yeah, someone can color their hair but the more you use EXACT physical types the more the reader locks onto one image. Instead of "I can see Bob in this role, I should send him the script.." :)

fernando97echeverria said:
Thanks for reading, man. Ah, yeah, I don't know why I capitalized that. I realized I was capitalizing too much (BEER, SHIRT, DRINKS :lol: ) so I went back and fixed it, I guess that slipped.

Thanks anyway! :D
Click to expand...
 
I don't feel like you brought the reader "into the world"
Below is a movie that begins with two friends talking in a coffee house. Swingers
See how the reader is led into this world the hollywood hangout and the young dreamers who dwell there.

see what I mean?
best of luck

Example Swingers...

EXT. HOLLYWOOD - NIGHT 1

The soundtrack opens with Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to the
Moon".

A HELICOPTER SHOT OF THE L.A. basin.

The pool of golden light disintegrates into the thousands of
points which constitute it as we rapidly draw closer to the
city.

We are just above the tops of the highest buildings as we
approach Hollywood Boulevard. Below is neon and the icy
thrust of search lights rotating on the corner of Hollywood
and Vine.

We continue west, then quickly north.

There is the momentary appearance of the moonlit HOLLYWOOD
sign as we pass the blinking red beacon of the Capital
Records building and drop into Franklin avenue and over the
101.

Architectural remnants of Hollywood's past whip up. We are
heading east at treetop level. A warm glow in the distance
quickly grows into a modest commercial strip which includes
cafes, bookstores, and a theater.

We drop to eye level as we spy through the plate glass
showcase window of the "Bourgeois Pig" coffeehouse, which
holds the translucent reflection of the full moon.

A cigarette wedged between knuckles smoulders. MIKE takes
the last drag with great effort, then crushes it out. He
sits in the window sprawled across a red velvet couch that
once perfectly complemented a faux spanish foyer.

MATCH CUT TO:

2 EXT. "BOURGEOIS PIG" COFFEEHOUSE - COUCHES AND TABLE IN FRONT 2
WINDOW - NIGHT

ROB sits down next to Mike, pouring himself some tea.

MIKE
And what if I don't want to give up on
her?

ROB
You don't call.

MIKE
But you said I shouldn't call if I
wanted to give up on her.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
So I don't call either way.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
So what's the difference?

ROB
The only difference between giving up and
not giving up is if you take her back
when she wants to come back. See, you
can't do anything to make her want to
come back. You can only do things to
make her not want to come back.

MIKE
So the only difference is if I forget
about her or pretend to forget about her.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
Well that sucks.
fernando97echeverria said:
Yeah... I was going a little overboard with my vision :P

What did you think of it besides that?
Click to expand...
 
Well, I love your example, but I guess I made the description of the diner short on purpose. The point of that lush description of the location in Swingers is for two reasons:

That’s most likely a shooting script- so they have an idea of where they’re going to shoot/know they’re gonna shoot it in the first place.

The writer is describing lush and gorgeous locations because they need the description- They’re L.A. skyscrapers. See how his description of a regular coffee house is, well... normal, because it is.

I appreciate your feedback, though. I was going to include details on background noise/chatter/soundtrack, but I wanted it to be short and to-the-point.

Thanks!
 
Swingers isn't the best example. I prefer minimalist writing as well. I think writers think they need LOTS of description so they stab the reader in the brain with "detail" daggers. A few words can say a lot. It's not about background chatter and all that. It's more about capturing the reader with mood and theme often with one sentence. Here's a coffee shop example from PULP FICTION (it's wordy, but you get the idea)



NT. COFFEE SHOP – MORNING

A normal Denny's, Spires-like coffee shop in Los Angeles.
It's about 9:00 in the morning. While the place isn't jammed,
there's a healthy number of people drinking coffee, munching
on bacon and eating eggs.

Two of these people are a YOUNG MAN and a YOUNG WOMAN. The
Young Man has a slight working-class English accent and,
like his fellow countryman, smokes cigarettes like they're
going out of style.

It is impossible to tell where the Young Woman is from or
how old she is; everything she does contradicts something
she did. The boy and girl sit in a booth. Their dialogue is
to be said in a rapid pace "HIS GIRL FRIDAY" fashion.

YOUNG MAN
No, forget it, it's too risky. I'm
through doin' that shit.

YOUNG WOMAN
You always say that, the same thing
every time: never again, I'm through,
too dangerous.

fernando97echeverria said:
Well, I love your example, but I guess I made the description of the diner short on purpose. The point of that lush description of the location in Swingers is for two reasons:

That’s most likely a shooting script- so they have an idea of where they’re going to shoot/know they’re gonna shoot it in the first place.

The writer is describing lush and gorgeous locations because they need the description- They’re L.A. skyscrapers. See how his description of a regular coffee house is, well... normal, because it is.

I appreciate your feedback, though. I was going to include details on background noise/chatter/soundtrack, but I wanted it to be short and to-the-point.

Thanks!
Click to expand...
 
Ah damn, you caught me :lol: I read the Pulp Fiction excerpt before writing the scene. Notice my use of "A typical Waffle House-like restaurant" and "The dialogue is to be said (like this and this)..."

Ah, but I'm finally getting what you mean. Will try and change a few things. Thanks a lot :yes:
 
I really like this character description from "PULP"…
"It is impossible to tell where the Young Woman is from or
how old she is; everything she does contradicts something
she did."
That captures my imagination. QT has great style. ;)


fernando97echeverria said:
Ah damn, you caught me :lol: I read the Pulp Fiction excerpt before writing the scene. Notice my use of "A typical Waffle House-like restaurant" and "The dialogue is to be said (like this and this)..."

Ah, but I'm finally getting what you mean. Will try and change a few things. Thanks a lot :yes:
Click to expand...
 
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