Please improve my script

[shivamsgupta]

Please don't care about grammatical or format errors, English is not my primary language and I'm not going to sell this script. I want to make a short film myself on it. This is probably my first movie script I ever wrote. I know nothing about screenwriting, i am more into visual effects and production.

I need your help to improve it, in the means of humor and story. So, please download the script and make any changes that can make it better, for example adding more skits, or more 'funny' elements using your sense of humor and you may also totally alter the story.

There are two scripts (just 4-6 pages)...


http://www.wreckamovie.com/system/task_references/0000/1992/The_Curotian_Rock.pdf
http://www.wreckamovie.com/system/task_references/0000/1989/The_Not_So_Fun_Road_Trip.pdf


Also, can someone write a very short film script suitable for low budget for me? I cannot pay but will credit you in the movie and send you a copy of the finished movie.

 

[Crystal Blue Pictures]

"John and his teammates states high-five. They get ready for
the game. The whole game's coverage here. John loses the
game by 2 points,get gets sad and walks off to home. While
walking a strange light strikes in the sky. He looks at it."

it doesn't make sense ... you wrote "get gets"


"Nothing dude. We lost the game,
what do you think, I should be
partying?"

the sentence doesn't seem to make sense. Try something like ...
- Nothin much. I'm just lying on my bed right now and trying to forget about the game.



I just read the first 2-3 pages ... hope someone else helps you for the rest.

 

[klitch]

It's hard to read for a few reasons, most of the dialogue that I read doesn't feel natural, doesn't feel like people would actually say these things.

JOHN
Oh. My. God. I can't believe I
just saw what they show in the movies.

What I think you want to show here is that John is amazed, but john doesn't need to say that he's amazed, he just needs to look amazed and awe struck.

Also if you want people to read it, proper grammar and spelling is absolutely necessary. Reading something that has poor grammar, in any language, is very hard for the reader and most will stop very quickly.

 

[shivamsgupta]

Thanks guys.. sorry for the grammar .. I'll try to correct grammar and spelling mistakes in future.