Please help with a screenplay...

[victortiti89]

I just finished a first draft of a short screenplay(14 pages) and I've posted it here:
http://www.talentville.com/snippet/394
I'm fully aware it isn't done, since it needs more work, but I'd like to hear your opinions. Your feed-back would help me make it better! Please share a few thoughts on this. Thanks for taking the time to read this!

 

[ChimpPhobiaFilms]

The only description of the dorm room is every student's dream. Could you elaborate?
The film opens with Tom and James in their dorm. What are they doing? In what part of the room are they in?
What do you mean when you say: Just like home. James turns off the TV. Is "just like home" describing the room or is it a line of dialogue?
The dialogue is very unrealistic to me. Speak the lines you right out loud or get some friends to read your dialogue out loud. Does it sound natural? Do people talk like that?

Tom throws himself on the bed. Takes a copybook.

Where does he throw himself on the bed from? Where does he get the copybook from?

Also, there are some confusing parts in the script. Such as this one:

James joins him. Look at this figure and you'll see this subject fascinates him.

What?

He uses a spray.

What kind of spray is it? What is he using it for? What is it for? Where did he get the spray?

James enters.

From where?


TOM: Finally! Look, I've been calling you for two hours. What happened?

JAMES: I've been... searching. Looking for evidence.

The bartender brings James a bottle of beer.

TOM: Of what?

JAMES: Government cover-ups.

TOM: Jesus!You're a lunatic. Snap out of it,James!

JAMES: It's true.The internet is full of it.You just have to know where to look.

Read that aloud. Also, why couldn't James answer his phone calls? Isn't he sitting by a computer with a phone? Or does it really take that much effort to pick up a phone

Drinks his bottle to the end.

Who?

JAMES: It's true.The internet is full of it. You just have to know where to look.

TOM: A bunch of crazy, deluded nerds with no life.Their passion is to blame everyone else because they're losers.

I think you're missing a line of dialogue in there. It would have been better if Tom said:

James, this quote on quote evidence you're talking about is written by losers who have nothing better to do then make up crap on the internet

It's not great, but it makes more sense.

Tom gives him the looks.

What looks are you talking about. What are these "looks".

Is this one of the looks you're talking about?

What about this one?

EXT - PARK - DAY

Wait a minute, how did we go from night to day and in a different location? There was no fade or scene of them going back to their dorms. How did we get into the park?

TOM: I fear this is turning into an obsession, so I decided to help.

Because he went on the internet to look up aliens?

JAMES: Who will we meet?

TOM: Just an old friend of dad's. He works as an astrobiologist for the NASA.He will tell you the truth.

How did he know they were going to meet someone? That makes NO sense.

The ASTROBIOLOGIST arrives.

How the hell did he show up? Right when Tom says he will be meeting someone, the guy pulls up that second and pops out of the car? Also, how does he show up? And how does he know to show up right at that moment. The timing seems a bit too perfect.

James does the same. The man takes a seat.

"James does the same" is very vague. It would be better to right "James shakes the astro-biologists hand."

Is "the man" the astro-biologist? Don't suddenly refer to a character as "the man".

The NASA's employee smiles.

Where did the NASA employee come from?

Tom brings them some soda cans

From where?

This meeting is over. Every one shakes hands.They part ways.

How do the characters know the meeting is over? How do they part ways? Car? Motorcycle?

INT. DORM ROOM. EVENING.

How did we get here?

On the desk, there is an empty pizza box,a soda can and some other student life objects.

Other student life objects? I smell laziness.

JAMES: I joined a forum. People here know the truth.

IndieTalk

Tom's arm wipes everything on that table.

"Tom wipes the table" would work just fine.

there's a CIA agent joining us

Is a guy in college that goes through a phase where he thinks aliens are real that big of a deal? Aren't CIA agents not supposed to give away information? How does this guy know people from NASA and the CIA?

CIA AGENT: Alright. We built the Area to engage in top secret research projects.Why secret? Because of the Cold War.

Instead of a simple "aliens are not real", the agent gives an immature kid in college top secret information about a war?

The music starts

What song? What kind of music?

CIA AGENT:Would it make you feel better if I say we've got alien contact?

So he tells him about top secret war information and aliens?


CIA AGENT: Ok, this is the house of Mr.Peterson. Obviously,it's not his real name.

You know, there didn't even have to be dialogue. They could have gotten out of the car and entered the house.

age-???

No point of even writing his age.





The script overall is poorly written. The amount of grammar problems and typos is unbelievable. Many scenes end abruptly. The whole plot of the film is unrealistic. Half of the screenplay I didn't understand. New characters and props coming and going.

 

[ChimpPhobiaFilms]

I didn't like this draft, but I hope the final draft turns out well

 

[baoliun]

Heya,I skimmed through it!
Cool idea, which has potential! However execution is far from perfect.

Disclaimer: I am no expert,this is my imho. Sorry for being harsh in advance!
Here are some of my thoughts, take them with a fist full of salt ;p


First of all the stucture of the story is washed out.
It doesn't have dramatic conflict and it is hard to find out who is the main hero.
If you apply the standard quest structure,you have much more exciting story.
Another thing - opening has to be mind blowing - Matrix,Memento,D.O.A.
Or at least introduce some conflict.

I.e

Scene 1

James is reading stuff on forums about aliens w/e.
Tom walks in - Dude you've missed lectures(test,exam) again wtf. You are going to fail.
James - Look what I found bla bla
Some conversation.
Arrange meeting with astro guy.

Scene 2

Astro guy could add conflict by telling a lot and than going really suspicious about CIA.

Scene 3

CIA should be hard to get. That is like the ultimate obstacle. James could sneak through security
into house while CIA agent is taking bath.
And question him while he is naked and scared

Scene 4

Tom and Jame in pub,drinking,talking how stupid idea about aliens is.
Tom gets a call,goes outside - CIA agent there smiles,good jub,they get into spaceship and fly away or w/e.

This is obv just a quick mash up,to show how conflict can be created.


The actual writing/wording is non cinematic,very mechanical and dull.

1. "The room looks like every student's dream"

If it said every gamers dream that might have been enough,but student's dream is pretty generic.
Moreover even though direction 9either art or camera) is not welcomed in scripts,this description does neither. It doesn't explain characters,there are no visuals for director to work with.

Either cut it out completely or include more details i.e "red socks hang on the ceiling lamp", or
very neat and tidy, do they have a guitar in their room?,do they play sports? smoke weed?...


2. "Look at his figure and you'll see this subject fascinates him"

I am pretty sure you have to write full form verbs "you will" instead of "you'll" but don't take my word for it.

How can a figure show interest? "Look at ..." is much,much worse than "we see.."
Moreover,we don't really have much to look at.

Scrape this sentence

3. "The bartender arrives. Tom pays the bill. The bartender smiles and takes the money."

Take a look at verbs use in proffesional screenplays. Use thesaurus.
Arrives is completely dull verb. Also,why emphasize this scene if the main point is the dialogue between Tom and James?

You have used the same structure in several scenes. It gives impression of puppets/robots.
They do this. than that. than that.

Scrape or rewrite.


So read some scripts,rewrite and post again! It can def become a cool script!
Good luck!

 

[IndiePaul]

Great notes from ChimpPhobiaFilms and baoliun.

OP needs to read some pro screenplays. Study how the pros write. That will help you hugely.

100+ Pro screenplays here
http://writetoreel.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?8-Read-Scripts

These articles should also help:

Keep Descriptions Brief and Tight
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/keep-descriptions-brief-and-tight.php

Drama and Conflict
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/drama-and-conflict.php

Stay in Present Tense and Active Voice
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/stay-in-present-tense-and-active-voice.php

Screenwriting is Not Novel Writing
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/screenwriting-is-not-novel-writing.php

 

[victortiti89]

First of all, I would like to thank you for your wonderful reviews! Here is how I changed the first scene:
INT - DORM ROOM - DAY

The room has the latest furniture and electronics.

There is a desk with a laptop.

JAMES (23) and TOM(21) watch its screen.

TOM
So it's all bullshit.

JAMES
No, they just hold them somewhere else.

Tom turns off the laptop. He takes a seat on the bed, next to his schoolbag.

TOM
No, aliens only exist in movies. Sorry.

James joins him.

JAMES
That's what they want you to believe. There is a secret agreement...

TOM
Blah, blah, blah.

Tom leaves the bed. Tom grabs his schoolbag. He heads towards the door.

TOM (CONT'D)
Gotta go to classes. Later.

James waives him goodbye.

1)Please tell me how to improve this, as this isn't good enough yet...
2)I have a story question, but I'm not sure if it would help or damage the script. Should I make James and Tom brothers? Thank you for having the patience to read this! Thanks because you're kind enough to help!

 

[IndiePaul]

I don't have the time to re-write your scene or dialogue for you. ChimpPhobiaFilms and baoliun have been very generous with their time and detailed notes for you.

The dialogue is okay as is. Just okay, not great.

You shouldn't just introduce main characters with just their names and age - a short description of them is needed, see:

Characters Intros
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/character-intros.php

Your script snippet was hosted on talentville. I would advise you to spend much less time on that site given it's for non-pro writers. Reading poor or average non-pro screenplays typically results in newbie writers picking up bad habits and techniques.

I would 100% advise you spend more time reading pro screenplays. I provided links in my previous post. They'll teach you good techniques, not bad ones. Your draft posted on talentville showed a lot of the latter - I mean no offense, so too did my first script (I'm on my sixth now)!

And read every pro screenwriting technique article here, including:

Fill your script with Drama and Conflict
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/drama-and-conflict.php

 

[sfoster]

I really liked the script for Body Heat

 

[IndiePaul]

I really liked the script for Body Heat

Great pick. Stunning script.

Available for free here:

http://screenplayexplorer.com/?tag=body-heat-script

The writer was a Hollywood heavyweight, also wrote or co-wrote:

• 2012 Darling Companion (written by)
• 2003 Dreamcatcher (screenplay)
• 1999 Mumford (written by)
• 1996 Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire (Video Game) (story)
• 1994 Wyatt Earp (written by)
• 1992 The Bodyguard (written by)
• 1991 Grand Canyon (written by)
• 1989 Raiders of the Lost Ark: The Adaptation (video)
• 1988 The Accidental Tourist (screenplay)
• 1985 Silverado (written by)
• 1983 The Big Chill (written by)
• 1983 Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (screenplay)
• 1981 Continental Divide (written by)
• 1981 Body Heat (written by)
• 1981 Raiders of the Lost Ark (screenplay)
• 1980 Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (screenplay)

 

[baoliun]

First of all, I would like to thank you for your wonderful reviews! Here is how I changed the first scene:
INT - DORM ROOM - DAY

The room has the latest furniture and electronics.

There is a desk with a laptop.

JAMES (23) and TOM(21) watch its screen.

TOM
So it's all bullshit.

JAMES
No, they just hold them somewhere else.

Tom turns off the laptop. He takes a seat on the bed, next to his schoolbag.

TOM
No, aliens only exist in movies. Sorry.

James joins him.

JAMES
That's what they want you to believe. There is a secret agreement...

TOM
Blah, blah, blah.

Tom leaves the bed. Tom grabs his schoolbag. He heads towards the door.

TOM (CONT'D)
Gotta go to classes. Later.

James waives him goodbye.

1)Please tell me how to improve this, as this isn't good enough yet...
2)I have a story question, but I'm not sure if it would help or damage the script. Should I make James and Tom brothers? Thank you for having the patience to read this! Thanks because you're kind enough to help!

What is the aim of this scene???

Can you sum it up in one coherent sentence?

 

[victortiti89]

@baoliun: Indeed, your questions provided quite a challenge for me... I think the basic idea of this scene would be to a)introduce the main characters, b) set up a story by presenting the reason for this. James and Tom watch a movie/read something online, but it turns out they have different ideas. This only makes James' convictions stronger, and sets him in conflict with Tom. Now, the reason why Tom cares about James isn't because he thinks aliens are real, Tom really doesn't care what James believes. Tom notices James' interest for these kind of stuff(conspiracies, UFO, etc.) increases, while that for more practical things(like being a student or learning for exams) drastically decreases. If I were to sum this up in one sentence, it would be something like: After two students watch a movie, their oppinions collide, while one's obsession becomes obvious. Or: A student's beliefs are challenged by a movie and he sets up to defend them. I don't know if it's good what I've wrote here, but that's why I need the help of good people like yourself..
@IndiePaul: First of all, thank you for your wonderful links! They are indeed helpful. The reason I use Talentville is because they provide a service which allows you to get your screenplays reviewed. In return, you have to review other people's work. There is another website which has the same purpose. I don't know exactly what kind of people are there, they might not all of them be professionals. You told me I shouldn't use it anymore, but then, where/what should I do if my screenplays need reviews, as I'm not very confident they're ready to be sent out? They never are, as people there made a lot of comments and critiques...What can I do, since sending them would mean 100% certain rejection? Thank you for your time!

 

[sfoster]

@baoliun: Indeed, your questions provided quite a challenge for me... I think the basic idea of this scene would be to a)introduce the main characters, b) set up a story by presenting the reason for this. James and Tom watch a movie/read something online, but it turns out they have different ideas. This only makes James' convictions stronger, and sets him in conflict with Tom. Now, the reason why Tom cares about James isn't because he thinks aliens are real, Tom really doesn't care what James believes. Tom notices James' interest for these kind of stuff(conspiracies, UFO, etc.) increases, while that for more practical things(like being a student or learning for exams) drastically decreases. If I were to sum this up in one sentence, it would be something like: After two students watch a movie, their oppinions collide, while one's obsession becomes obvious. Or: A student's beliefs are challenged by a movie and he sets up to defend them. I don't know if it's good what I've wrote here, but that's why I need the help of good people like yourself..
@IndiePaul: First of all, thank you for your wonderful links! They are indeed helpful. The reason I use Talentville is because they provide a service which allows you to get your screenplays reviewed. In return, you have to review other people's work. There is another website which has the same purpose. I don't know exactly what kind of people are there, they might not all of them be professionals. You told me I shouldn't use it anymore, but then, where/what should I do if my screenplays need reviews, as I'm not very confident they're ready to be sent out? They never are, as people there made a lot of comments and critiques...What can I do, since sending them would mean 100% certain rejection? Thank you for your time!

Urban Dictionary: Wall of Text
A piece of writing that does not use proper grammar and generally looks like a giant essay with 20 to 400 sentences without using paragraphs or any bit of spacing at all.

You want to be a writer but you produce a wall of text

 

[IndiePaul]

@IndiePaul: First of all, thank you for your wonderful links! They are indeed helpful. The reason I use Talentville is because they provide a service which allows you to get your screenplays reviewed. In return, you have to review other people's work. There is another website which has the same purpose. I don't know exactly what kind of people are there, they might not all of them be professionals. You told me I shouldn't use it anymore, but then, where/what should I do if my screenplays need reviews, as I'm not very confident they're ready to be sent out? They never are, as people there made a lot of comments and critiques...What can I do, since sending them would mean 100% certain rejection? Thank you for your time!

I used to frequent Amazon Studios - the non-pro feedback was very hit and miss. Often very bad feedback, sometimes fairly good. I imagine Talentville is similar.

I have written five scripts and learnt a huge amount since my first.

My advice - get feedback from a pro reader. I have used such services approx 12+ times. The most I have paid is $125 for feedback, I try to keep it below $100. Just use a good service and steer miles clear of the 'gurus' that charge $500+ for feedback. If you can't afford pro feedback keep to IndieTalk and Talentville but understand that some of the feedback may be incorrect - a non-pro may try their best but if they're not seasoned, a lot of their advice is going to be poor and/or wrong. It helps to have a lot of experience under your belt - which is way I stick to getting pro feedback.

And read pro screenplays.