Over and Over (short screenplay)

[PhantomScreenwriter]

Logline:

"Over and Over is a story about perspective, fragility of the human mind and how life can change almost in an instant for better or worse...for Eric it's going to be the latter."

About the Screenplay:

The second draft of a low budget 12 page drama centered around Eric who is late for work and gets stuck in a traffic jam. At first glance it might sound like the film Falling Down starring Michael Douglas but I assure you that the similarities end with the situation being in a traffic jam. I came up with the idea behind Over and Over a few years ago, and at that stage it was a much shorter screenplay until I approached it this year to refine and add elements. The intention for Over and Over is to find someone who is willing to produce this screenplay. I would like to gain feedback so I can improve upon the finer details of this story, and I would appreciate any constructive criticism whether it's positive or negative.

Here is a link to the screenplay: http://www.scribd.com/doc/200707780/Over-and-Over-2nd-Draft

 

[Birdman]

I'm reading your screenplay. I don't have any comments yet because I keep getting interrupted. ...Just wanted to let you know someone out there was giving it a good hard look.

-Birdman

 

[PhantomScreenwriter]

That's okay Birdman thanks for taking the time to read it, look forward to your feedback

 

[Egidio]

granted it a quick glance at the form, as I'm working on mine right now.

a note:

1) ROAD WORKER WITH THE PHONE sounds weird, just put ROAD WORKER and then (into the phone) with parenthesis.

2) you typed VO in his thoughts instead of V.O.

 

[Birdman]

Phantom,

The whole script reads like a "Twighlight Zone" episode, which is not a bad thing. What I don't understand is what the viewer is supposed to walk away with?

I understand it's a short script, but I am left emotionless and bewildered. I don't know whether to feel sickened by Eric making out with his decomposing wife or pity for him because he's all alone in live-world?

Make me feel something!

-Birdman

 

[PhantomScreenwriter]

Egidio, thanks for your feedback.

Birdman, thanks for reading and for your feedback. I definitely need to improve on delivering more than just a concept of a short film and add some definition to the characters to create a connection between the audience and what's happening.

 

[baoliun]

1) ROAD WORKER WITH THE PHONE sounds weird, just put ROAD WORKER and then (into the phone) with parenthesis.

Don't they usually have walkie talkies?

Overall, if you are not planning to direct it yourself, but sell or give to a friend don't direct on paper and don't put shot types. The main reason being it takes you out of the story and doesn't allow to visualise it freely. Probably even more important reason is if a reader (director) has a different idea on how to shoot it or dislikes your shot design,he will get annoyed and your script will fly in the bin. If you would have given me this script to direct I would have to rewrite all your shots, simply because my brain works differently. Obv if you write for yourself to direct,than disregard this paragraph completely.

The reason there seems to be no character is because there is no story.

Little notes:

Exposition through news is very cheap and lazy. However, main problem is that you use it to play with audience. Main character doesn't listen/care,so it is used to make audience smarter than the character. Unless it is a comedy it is very,very bad taste and it is best to correct it while it is only present in small things.

Neighbour:
"My bin is full,need to use yours. " EXPOSITION ALERT!!!

Has he been doing it a lot? They are neighbours so they probably are acquainted right? Even "How are you,Eric?" is much more natural and you can play with irony, joke w.e. But really who talks like that? " I am sad because my wife left me and I am buying those sleeping pills to overdose into coma".


"He sees rows of cars ahead of his. He is in traffic jam."

Endless rows of cars converge into a tiny dot on the horizon. Heat waves,mirage etc.
Or just - Endless rows of cars. Traffic jam.

 

[mad_hatter]

Phantom,

There are a few issues with your screenplay.

First of all, the technique of using the voice-over so we can hear his thoughts is very odd. It just doesn’t work for me. Personally, I don’t think you need them at all. Eric looking at his watch tells us he’s late. A look of frustration on his face, makes us aware that he’s annoyed. Is it really important that he’s been waiting for ten minutes? Or that he’s got to be there in ten minutes? If you really need the VO, I’d make it continuous; have him narrate to us; “Why is it that on the one day that I absolutely cannot be late, there’s traffic. Ten minutes I’ve been waiting, haven’t moved an inch. Now this impatient asshole behind me keeps beeping his horn…”

Second, it’s confusing in places. For example, on pg.1 the scene heading states that it is DAY. On pg.2, the scene heading states EVENING. More so, this scene starts with Eric walking towards another car. Immediately prior to this, he was inside his own car. The jump from day to evening, along with this break in continuity, leads to some major confusion. In this example, I feel it’s absolutely necessary to describe, even with only a single line, that ‘Eric exits the vehicle’.

Third, it’s formatted more like a shooting script (which, in fairness, isn’t a huge problem if you plan on shooting it yourself). The descriptors, such as “ERIC’S EAR” or “THE DRIVER” don’t really have any place in a spec. script. They break up the action too much, making it difficult for the story to flow. Remove them, until the time that you are ready to shoot and you actually need your shooting script.

Finally, a few plot issues.…

By ROAD WORKER, I assume hi-viz and hard-hat; the kind of person that repairs roads. But why are they looking for escaped patients? Surely they should be doctors, perhaps in haz-mat suits?

Why does the news reporter not know what the patients are carrying? Surely, they would have the details, otherwise (as you’ve written it), it strikes me as being un-newsworthy.

And why is everybody dead? All but the Road workers and Eric? Are they immune? For me, that needs explaining.



Hope all this helps. You’ve made a good start, it all just needs tidying up. Keep working.

Good luck!

 

[PhantomScreenwriter]

Originally Posted by baoliun:

Don't they usually have walkie talkies?

Overall, if you are not planning to direct it yourself, but sell or give to a friend don't direct on paper and don't put shot types. The main reason being it takes you out of the story and doesn't allow to visualise it freely. Probably even more important reason is if a reader (director) has a different idea on how to shoot it or dislikes your shot design,he will get annoyed and your script will fly in the bin. If you would have given me this script to direct I would have to rewrite all your shots, simply because my brain works differently. Obv if you write for yourself to direct,than disregard this paragraph completely.

The reason there seems to be no character is because there is no story.

Little notes:

Exposition through news is very cheap and lazy. However, main problem is that you use it to play with audience. Main character doesn't listen/care,so it is used to make audience smarter than the character. Unless it is a comedy it is very,very bad taste and it is best to correct it while it is only present in small things.

Neighbour:
"My bin is full,need to use yours. " EXPOSITION ALERT!!!

Has he been doing it a lot? They are neighbours so they probably are acquainted right? Even "How are you,Eric?" is much more natural and you can play with irony, joke w.e. But really who talks like that? " I am sad because my wife left me and I am buying those sleeping pills to overdose into coma".

"He sees rows of cars ahead of his. He is in traffic jam."

Endless rows of cars converge into a tiny dot on the horizon. Heat waves,mirage etc.
Or just - Endless rows of cars. Traffic jam.

• 
  Not directing was my plan. What I need to convey is that at the beginning whenever Eric is looking at anything his eyes see everyone alive, including the road workers. He hears the sounds he heard when everyone was alive. I wanted to avoid showing anything not from Eric's perspective because I'd like to keep what's really going on a secret from the audience until the point where he's attacking the driver and reveal that the driver is dead, while from Eric's visual perspective the driver is alive.
  
  One thing that bothers me in films when someone has a flashback is that the scene is replayed as the audience saw it, not from the point of view of the character from where they were positioned at the time.
  
  But the moments where Eric is moving around I wanted to convey that the background around him isn't revealed to the audience until after the revelation that he's imagining that everything is the same as it was on that day.
  
  I do agree with you on not dictating to a director, on the page, what camera angles should be used. So taking into consideration the reasons I've given, what are some things I could do to avoid writing camera directions but at the same time convey what I want to be only from Eric's perspective?

• 
  I agree with you on the news angle. I wanted to give the audience an explanation about what caused the deaths. What are some other options?

• 
  In the first draft Eric has a flashback to the neighbor using his garbage bin. Perhaps I should take this part out completely in a third draft.

• 
  Alternate descriptions noted

Originally Posted by Mad_Hatter:

Phantom,

There are a few issues with your screenplay.

First of all, the technique of using the voice-over so we can hear his thoughts is very odd. It just doesn’t work for me. Personally, I don’t think you need them at all. Eric looking at his watch tells us he’s late. A look of frustration on his face, makes us aware that he’s annoyed. Is it really important that he’s been waiting for ten minutes? Or that he’s got to be there in ten minutes? If you really need the VO, I’d make it continuous; have him narrate to us; “Why is it that on the one day that I absolutely cannot be late, there’s traffic. Ten minutes I’ve been waiting, haven’t moved an inch. Now this impatient asshole behind me keeps beeping his horn…”

Second, it’s confusing in places. For example, on pg.1 the scene heading states that it is DAY. On pg.2, the scene heading states EVENING. More so, this scene starts with Eric walking towards another car. Immediately prior to this, he was inside his own car. The jump from day to evening, along with this break in continuity, leads to some major confusion. In this example, I feel it’s absolutely necessary to describe, even with only a single line, that ‘Eric exits the vehicle’.

Third, it’s formatted more like a shooting script (which, in fairness, isn’t a huge problem if you plan on shooting it yourself). The descriptors, such as “ERIC’S EAR” or “THE DRIVER” don’t really have any place in a spec. script. They break up the action too much, making it difficult for the story to flow. Remove them, until the time that you are ready to shoot and you actually need your shooting script.

Finally, a few plot issues.…

By ROAD WORKER, I assume hi-viz and hard-hat; the kind of person that repairs roads. But why are they looking for escaped patients? Surely they should be doctors, perhaps in haz-mat suits?

Why does the news reporter not know what the patients are carrying? Surely, they would have the details, otherwise (as you’ve written it), it strikes me as being un-newsworthy.

And why is everybody dead? All but the Road workers and Eric? Are they immune? For me, that needs explaining.

Hope all this helps. You’ve made a good start, it all just needs tidying up. Keep working.

Good luck!

• 
  I can see what you mean. I will keep this in mind when I'm doing a third draft. I was inspired by the screenplay for Duel where the main character is in the diner thinking to himself and in the screenplay it was written as DAVID'S THOUGHT (V.O), I guess it was my little reference but I can change how this is done.

• 
  I really need to keep an eye on continuity in this for sure and clean it up.

• 
  I understand what you're saying. Keeping in mind what I mentioned in response to baoliun, what do you see as a good solution to what I want to convey?

• 
  That's what I was meaning by road worker, yeah. You've got a good point. I wanted to show that the patient collapsed at that point while the road workers were there, without showing that part until later in the screenplay when we see the day all this happened, the day that Eric would relive in his own mind over and over.
  
  That's a good point. I never thought of that. Would it help if it was classified as breaking news? Sometimes when something happens that is breaking news they don't have all the details.
  
  When you see the road workers through Eric's eyes, they are always alive to him, just like everyone else in the traffic jam, his wife and the neighbor are still alive from his point of view. The day that it all happened everyone there was alive but the patient near the road workers releases the virus which is airborne and it eventually kills everyone, except for Eric. In the first draft it cuts to a few weeks later and we see Eric dead in his car, the plague having finally got to him in the end, maybe that should be brought back for the third draft?

Thanks everyone for all your feedback I really appreciate the time taken to read this, and the patience to get through to the end

 

[mad_hatter]

So Eric sees them as being alive, although, in reality, they’re not? I thought the driver of the other car only died when Eric approached him, then his female passenger died. Or were they already dead? This too is confusing.

And what do you mean by “…the moments where Eric is moving around I wanted to convey that the background around him isn't revealed to the audience until after the revelation that he's imagining that everything is the same as it was on that day.” I don’t quite understand this. How is the background not revealed?

You need to understand that the audience for your screenplay isn’t the viewing public, watching your movie. It’s a potential producer or director. You need to make everything nice and clear. Make the screenplay as easy to read as possible.

When you write POV are you meaning that literally, so the shot would be first-person point-of-view? Or do you only mean that it’s from the characters perspective? If it’s the former, that’s for the director to worry about. If it’s the later, a shot doesn’t need to be POV for it to be the characters perspective. By simply having that character on screen, the story would normally revert to that characters perspective.

For your next rewrite, allow the story to play out in your mind. Actually watch it unfold, as viewing the final movie. Write only what you see. Do your best to not include camera directions.

 

[Birdman]

When you see the road workers through Eric's eyes, they are always alive to him, just like everyone else in the traffic jam, his wife and the neighbor are still alive from his point of view. The day that it all happened everyone there was alive but the patient near the road workers releases the virus which is airborne and it eventually kills everyone, except for Eric. In the first draft it cuts to a few weeks later and we see Eric dead in his car, the plague having finally got to him in the end, maybe that should be brought back for the third draft

...Anything worth taking the time to watch must have some kind of "purpose". What is the purpose of your film? If you could boil it all down to one emotion, ...what would it be?

In "Rocky" it was "Triumph through Perseverance"

In "Shawshank Redemption" it was "Triumph over adversity"

"Gladiator" and "The Punisher" focused on "Vengence".

"Pay It Forward" focused on "Sacrifice".

What human characteristic is your short film focusing on? What do I walk away with?

If I read your last paragraph as you describe it, if anything I walk away with a sense of "Hopelessness ". ...is this what you have intended for me to feel? If so, ...then why would I want to take the time to watch it?

-Birdman

 

[PhantomScreenwriter]

Originally Posted by Mad_Hatter:

So Eric sees them as being alive, although, in reality, they’re not? I thought the driver of the other car only died when Eric approached him, then his female passenger died. Or were they already dead? This too is confusing.

And what do you mean by “…the moments where Eric is moving around I wanted to convey that the background around him isn't revealed to the audience until after the revelation that he's imagining that everything is the same as it was on that day.” I don’t quite understand this. How is the background not revealed?

You need to understand that the audience for your screenplay isn’t the viewing public, watching your movie. It’s a potential producer or director. You need to make everything nice and clear. Make the screenplay as easy to read as possible.

When you write POV are you meaning that literally, so the shot would be first-person point-of-view? Or do you only mean that it’s from the characters perspective? If it’s the former, that’s for the director to worry about. If it’s the later, a shot doesn’t need to be POV for it to be the characters perspective. By simply having that character on screen, the story would normally revert to that characters perspective.

For your next rewrite, allow the story to play out in your mind. Actually watch it unfold, as viewing the final movie. Write only what you see. Do your best to not include camera directions.

• 
  On the day when it all happened the driver died as a result of the virus and the woman next to him follows shortly after, once Eric has arrived at the car. He realizes the driver is dead, and that the last couple of honks weren't on purpose. When Eric is reliving that day in his mind the driver is alive, even when he grabs him by the neck. But the audience sees that the driver has been dead for some time and Eric is shaking the head of a decomposing man.

• 
  I guess I wanted it be unlike other films where the hallucination the character experiences is shown as being from their POV and also in the environment around the character. I wanted the revelation to be completely hidden from the audience until a mid shot or a wider shot reveals it. So the audience never sees the environment around the character until the revelation is revealed.

• 
  That's a fair point you make. I guess I'm thinking too much from the perspective of an editor or the audience, not from a writer trying to make sure everything is clear to the potential producer or director.

• 
  I meant POV as in from what his eyes are seeing and to have that concept carried over to when you see things around him from a third person view.
  
  Thanks for the advice

Originally Posted by Birdman:

...Anything worth taking the time to watch must have some kind of "purpose". What is the purpose of your film? If you could boil it all down to one emotion, ...what would it be?

In "Rocky" it was "Triumph through Perseverance"

In "Shawshank Redemption" it was "Triumph over adversity"

"Gladiator" and "The Punisher" focused on "Vengence".

"Pay It Forward" focused on "Sacrifice".

What human characteristic is your short film focusing on? What do I walk away with?

If I read your last paragraph as you describe it, if anything I walk away with a sense of "Hopelessness ". ...is this what you have intended for me to feel? If so, ...then why would I want to take the time to watch it?

-Birdman

Excellent examples used, Rocky is one of my favorite movies, the character I'm inspired by the most. I see what you're talking about. In the current draft I want the reader to feel hopelessness. The type of thing you feel after watching a movie like Night of the Living Dead or John Carpenter's The Thing - these don't have happy endings and there's little hope for the characters (in Night of the Living Dead there's obviously no hope

Spoiler

for Ben after being killed

). That's what I was aiming for.

As for why would you want to take the time to watch it, I can see where you're coming from. I guess I wanted the audience to feel like they might have done when they watched the ending of The Mist - like they had been punched in the guts so to speak.

 

[Birdman]

All I can say to that is ...People are forced to deal with hopelessness every day. They spend their time and money on a movie trying to find some sense of HOPE.

Scary shit, hopelessness and the macabre are easy subjects to deal with. Having characters survive hopeless situations and have a sense of triumph is the ultimate challenge.

-Birdman

 

[maz]

I'm far from an expert, but the screenplay did not really seem to have anything to say; it was a single (rather confusing) idea rather than a story.

Off topic a little, but what is a shooting script? How does it differ to a spec script?

 

[PhantomScreenwriter]

I'm far from an expert, but the screenplay did not really seem to have anything to say; it was a single (rather confusing) idea rather than a story.

Off topic a little, but what is a shooting script? How does it differ to a spec script?

That's okay whether you're an expert of not, feedback is still feedback and it's good to receive. Thanks for your feedback