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Organ Lottery Script

NickClapper

NickClapper

OK, following on from Mr P.T.Productions' excellent script, I post mine here to stimulate advice, criticism and interest.

It's a long way from perfect but having read PTPs I think that the issue of overall tone isn't going to be...an issue. I think they would fit together quite nicely, like a good anthology of short stories.

I'm a dunce at formatting screeplays. I use CeltX and that saves me a lot of time and effort but I still find it a strange and costraining way of doing busines, so please point out where I have gone off the rails (in formatting terms).

Anywho, here it is: First draft for the Organ Lottery
 
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I really like this, I can picture Samson, with dark-shaggy hair and spectacles. It's a great take on the concept, a breath of fresh-air, but still it has that impact come the end.

The dialogue is extremely punchy, and intelligent. It may need some slight tweaks here and there, but nothing drastic.
 
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Thanks for reading. It's untidy at the moment and there's a fair bit I want to clean up once I've got a better idea of how the dialogue is sounding.

I'm still not sure about length (perhaps that's the next thing we should collectively discuss) but I'd kind of like to have added another scene...

But, yes, I like the character of Samson (at least I do in my head). Perhaps it's too close to cliche, I don't know. I assume that I can use Byron is the script, that's surely the definition of public domain?

Anyhow, thanks for reading/writing some of it inadvertently!
 
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Nice effort, I like how you wove the idea of poetry into the story at different points. I take it nobody wants their character to win the lottery? So is this Organ Lottery idea open to the public? I wouldn't mind contributing.:)
 
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Script Comment

I loved the development of Samson. I'm not sure I got a sense of the lottery's purpose. The hint of the international flavor comes through but makes me wonder how they know who has which ticket? Why not just announce the names then? What is his relationship with Sandra? His daughter? Housekeeper? Is he retired? Toby's interaction creates a humanness but seems more like a cryptic exchange. At first, I didn't realize Toby was intimating about the lottery but about his retirement.

The script is well written and conveys Samson's inner struggles. I liked the dialogue interactions. For me, the interactions lack context and purpose. It seems like a seven minute segment of something much larger and more profound piece. It really has a lot of potential. You just need to tie the pieces together.

I know that there is this pressure to keep everything here to seven minutes so it can be posted to YouTube, but good stories need to follow their own driving beat. Write the story then go back.

As a viewer, I want to know more about Samson and the lottery. Does he want to be young again? Why? Sandra? There is a story in this piece that is really wanting to be told.
 
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Thanks for reading!

And can I also say a more general thank you because you always seem to offer really good, detailed and, crucially, constructive feedback on scripts here.

Anyhow let me try and explain away some of your concerns (which may be similar for PTPs script). I'm not sure how much of the brainstorming or ideas threads you've read but these scripts that we're developing about the organ lottery are all threads of the same longer script. The point here is that there will be one script focusing on the lottery broadcast that ties them all together. So the lottery will be explained in terms of purpose, how it works and whether anyone should expect to win. So i didn't really think it necessary to clarify that issue in my script, especially since I only have a small amount of time to tell my story.

Sandra is Samson's sometime lover/helper. There's a moment where she strokes his head and perhaps in a second draft I would add a slight sensuality to that. For her the relationship makes her feel vicariously intellectual and for him it provides more basic comforts like companionship and dinner. Quite a lot to convey in two scenes! I just wanted to give a hint of that, perhaps I need to drop a few more clue bombs...

The interact with Toby is kind of inspired by the interactions between Colin Firth and Nicholas Hoult in A Single Man. It's the relationship between a terribly clever, insecure man and the confident young person who he, perhaps, wishes he was. So there's a sling flirtation there, but it's mainly because they both want to be each other. Again it's quite a lot to get across in a minute long scene.

But yes, thanks for showing me that these issues need to be clarified. There's are certain things that can be justified by and explained by the fact that we're doing this for the community project, but others that needed highlighting and now need rewriting.

Thanks :)
 
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Thank You for the Clarification

NickClapper said:
Anyhow let me try and explain away some of your concerns (which may be similar for PTPs script). I'm not sure how much of the brainstorming or ideas threads you've read but these scripts that we're developing about the organ lottery are all threads of the same longer script. The point here is that there will be one script focusing on the lottery broadcast that ties them all together. So the lottery will be explained in terms of purpose, how it works and whether anyone should expect to win. So i didn't really think it necessary to clarify that issue in my script, especially since I only have a small amount of time to tell my story.
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Thank you for the clarification (and kind words too!). I wasn't aware that these were interconnected. I assumed that everyone was writing different approaches to a lottery. Oops. So I take it that our community doesn't even know who the lottery winners are at present? I like the idea. I will need to go back and re-think it. :)
 
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