Organ Donor Community Project

[FantasySciFi]

I originally misunderstood the purpose, so my original submission introduced it's own elements.

After discussion, I have written another short that examines one man's perspective. I did have to take a couple minor liberties for the purpose of advancing the script. However, whatever the final merger and consensus is, it can be easily changed. I took it up to the point that the numbers would be announced.

Here is the link to the project script:

http://www.mediafire.com/file/ccfebjlvgc0hzbh/OrganTransplant2.pdf

It's a work in progress. Every time I open it up, I see one more thing I need to tweak. It says version 2 but it's more like pass-thru #10. I'm still touching up transitions.

While it is visually straightforward to move from a television screen to the room with the person watching the television, the formating of this transition--at least from the couple sources I've checked--makes it look odd. Would appreciate any suggestions. I recognize in advance that it may be confusing.

 

[Flicker Pictures]

Downloaded PDF, reading now. Liking it so far.

I want to share a tip that has been drilled into my work from countless reads and script readers. It's a great way to pare down word count as well as page count!

-- make every verb tense PRESENT instead of PRESENT PROGRESSIVE.

He is running = He runs.
She is wearing = She wears. Or rather: MARTHA, in a dowdy jacket... it's OK to omit things like wearing in the action lines. Ex. BARRY, 40s, in a crisp three-piece, derby tilted to the side, raps a cane on the window.

We know he's wearing the suit and hat and is holding a cane.

Also, another tip: omit as many PREPOSITIONS as possible.

For example: He sits down. = He sits.

From your script:

He sits down on the bed. Randy packs up his medical kit.

Becomes:

He sits on the bed. Randy packs his kit. (we can presume it's a medical kit)

or

Franklin is sitting watching the evening news.

Becomes:

Franklin watches the evening news. (sitting is passive)

It's almost ridiculous to say, but we have to unlearn how to write and go back to the Dick and Jane books while adding only the most critical embellishments for descriptions.

Might not look like anything major, but changing all the "ings" to "s or es" adds up.

OK, back to the script...

* I try to approach a script like a combination of a blueprint and haiku, trying to say what might take 10 words and explain it in 5. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

** I also might do a 'save as' and make a version without any parentheticals. Keep ONLY the most necessary ones "in a husky timbre"

 

[Flicker Pictures]

Fantasy, I enjoyed this. Really dig the banter and relationship between the lead and the nurse. Some funny quips in there. And the fact that he is of color dredges up a dramatic angle to his past. The ending leaves us hanging which is effective.

I'd find a way to whittle it down a few pages. Some of their dialog could be truncated, condensed, combined, etc. The parantheticals did bug me, but maybe that's personal preference.

Hope these reactions are of some use. Cheers!

 

[jrsmithson]

I like. You did a really good job of addressing the challenge and expanding on it with little flourishes like the gold coin.

I'm no expert, but would this

Spoiler

ending be classified as a cliffhanger? Because I've gotten similar critiques regarding stopping before a satisfactory ending has transpired.

Just wondering, as I have a hard time seeing how

Spoiler

putting a gun by his side is a firm ending, it seems like something should happen next?

The dialogue sounds good, just enough exposition to know what's actually going on. Good luck on your future edits.

 

[FantasySciFi]

Thanks Flicker. All good suggestions. I awoke this morning (3 am) and just started writing. And it kind of evolved--is this 'celebrity-hood' a good thing?

You're comments are right on. I turned it out in about 2 hours and then spent the next 3 or so going over it before just put it out for a look-see.

Yeah, I'm a progressive kind of writer. It's one thing that I always need pass through and correct. And you're right on about the adverbial prepositions. I try to be very sparing with parentheticals (really). Good catches.

My personal style is to just stream of consciousness put it all down just so the creativity flows. Then I go back and edit all the points you mentioned as well as all the nasties of formatting. (many, many, ... many times). The little -ing's in scripts do add up.

I very much appreciate fresh eyes passing over it. Your suggestions are right on target with my thinking. Thanks

I've incorporated your comments into this revised pass:
http://www.mediafire.com/file/r2cgrkti56o4xmw/OrganTransplant3.pdf

I also saw dialogue that sounded good at 6 am but not at at noon. My sense was there was no size restriction but I'm stopping at 12. And in a pinch some of the flash back--like the doctor's visit--could be cut.

As to JRSmithson's question, no this is not an ending. It's more of a hook before the commercial break.

I thought of several ways it might go:

Spoiler

1. Randy is really a reporter. It's just a saline injection. Randy is getting inside scoops so he can sell a biopic to A&E
2. The injections are actually the Reliqua/saline. The selected ten are those 'success' stories. Evans 'death' was actually a murder to cover up the failure
3. Franklin has the gun to protect himself against a mob that forms outside after he wins.
4. Franklin uses the gun on himself too expected.
5. Randy actually is a KKK member and has been poisoning Franklin while acting like his friend.

Of course there could be others, but this was just a pre-announcement snapshot.

Thanks for the comments!

 

[knightly]

Haven't read it yet, but I will... I was gonna chime in on the verbs thing though as this is a point upon which much of my own writing fails...

Use the find function in the word processor and search for "is" and "are" and get rid of them, this should help you locate all the passive voice moments in your script.