Hi all, I'm just posting here to get some opinions on the script I'm currently working on. It's a short movie, and will soon be translated in to chinese (all names will be changed) but I still wanted an opinion.
Cheers to all who read
And apologies, C&P doesn't work too well from Sophocles.
FADE IN:
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
The dead of night. Silence. No sound, no light.
The soft pat of shoes on cement suddenly begins to echo, louder and louder, until there is suddenly a loud knocking sound. The knocking is greeted by the mumbling of an old man as feet shuffle.
MAN
Who are you?
MAN #2
Messengers.
There is silence again, then quickly, shuffling of feet. Then, the door is opened, creaking loudly in the silent night.
There is heaving breathing, and above the heavy breathing is an almost inaudible mumbling. But quickly, it is stopped. Stopped by the blast of a silenced pistol. In the dead of night, it sounds louder than a rocket blast. A body hits the floor with a thud.
Following it there is a loud, but short scream as it is cut short by the blast of the pistol once more. A body hits the floor with a thud.
All that can now be heard along with the heavy breathing, is the soft whimper of a child. Once more, it is cruelly cut short.
The heavy breathing remains, but nothing more.
MAN #2
Karl, lets go.
Footsteps, then a loud bang as the door shuts close.
INT. APARTMENT
An eyelid bursts open, the pupil coming in to focus, before a body shoots upright in a bed. A hand throws the covers off of a female body, and then they sit still for several seconds, before climbing out of bed.
A wardrobe opens, and inside is a stack of clothes. One by one they are slipped on to the body. And under the clothes sits a pistol, and beside it one clip and a silencer. They are taken and slipped into a pocket. Shoes are slipped on, then a door opens, the feet step out into a hall, and the door shuts.
EXT. MOUNTAINS
A blue sky shines down into gorge in the mountains, where LUKAS VRISIC sits on a rock, feet in the water receiving a massage from a young girl. Lukas closes his eyes as he relaxes into the sound of the rushing water. As he does so, the massage stops.
LUKAS
I'm just getting in to the mood honey, don't stop now. (beat) Hey!
Then, slowly trailing up Lukas' back, is the tip of a silenced pistol. His body goes rigid. A finger splits pursed lips.
MYSTERY GIRL
Sshh.
Slowly a hand gives a folded piece of paper to LUKAS. He looks at it, eyes widening with fear.
MYSTERY GIRL
Understood?
The man's eyes dart to and fro, then he slowly nods his head.
MYSTERY GIRL
Good.
Slowly the gun slides down his back, and goes off. The man sits still, afraid, turning slowly. Behind him he see's his masseuse lying on the ground unconscious, and no one else. He picks up his gear, and runs quickly to his car, getting inside.
Lukas picks up a cell phone, dialing a number. It rings several times, then with a click, there is an answer.
LUKAS
Aleks? Pavel is on to us, we need to move now. (beat) Aleks?
MYSTERY GIRL
Do you know what happens when you lie?
With that, there is a click as the call is terminated. There is a knock on the window, and Lukas rolls it down, turning to face it as he does so. He is greeted by the sight of a pistol, as it blasts in to his face. Behind him is the assassin, the mystery girl, JADE (20).
JADE
That.
Jade walks away from the car and takes a cell out of her pocket, dialing a number.
IVAN (0.S)
Hello?
JADE
It's me. Lukas Vrisic is dead. He failed to comply with our clients request.
IVAN (O.S)
I'll inform them. Also, you should come in. He's here.
With that, Jade snaps the phone shut as she gets in to her car.
EXT. STREET - DAY
A car pulls up outside an apartment building, and Jade exits the car, peering up at the building.
INT. IVAN'S APARTMENT
A fist bangs on a door 3 times, and a few short seconds later, it's opened to reveal IVAN (22).
IVAN
Welcome.
Jade walks in as Ivan closes the door behind him.
IVAN
I picked it up from one of my old army intelligence mates. He arrived this morning from Shanghai, along with his usual protege of bodyguards, but also another interesting figure.
Jade sits down on a sofa, crossing her legs
JADE
Was our client satisfied?
IVAN
Don't look too pleased, he's only the guy you've been waiting for for 15 years.
JADE
Client?
IVAN
Yeah, they satisfied. They hoped he'd bugger off, but since he didn't they're satisfied with your solution.
JADE
Good.
Ivan picks up the laptop sitting near the door and brings it over to Jade to look at.
IVAN
This guy here is a lawyer from Shanghai, and he doesn't usually travel with him, which suggests he's doing something more risky this trip.
JADE
Name and Location?
IVAN
Names Joseph. Heard he went to one of the cheap business hotels near city center. He's not with the main group, but worth checking out.
JADE
Will go check him out tonight.
Ivan nods.
IVAN
Feel free to browse my stock, I'll take the cost out of your last job.
EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT
Feet grind on the wet, uneven ground as Jade walks towards the hotel and up the stairs, into the hotel's lobby.
INT. HOTEL
Jade crosses the lobby towards the elevator and goes inside. She presses the button for level 1, then 2, then 3, then 4. As it goes up, the doors open on level one to reveal an empty hall. The doors close. Once more, they open up on level 3... and reveal an empty hall. Again the elevator goes up, and the door open to reveal... an empty hall... save for one man standing outside a room, back against door. When the doors open, he looks toward the elevator. The doors close.
On level 4, they open and Jade strides out heading towards the stairwell. She slips a knife into her hand and steps out of the stairwell, on to the 3rd floor, silently. Two doors from her is the guard, his head still turned slightly towards the elevator. With a few quick strides, she moves forward, brings the knife up and slits his throat as his body flops to the floor. She drags his body to the stair well, then knocks on the hotel room door.
JOSEPH
Who is it?
Silence. Jade leans against the wall, gun now in her right hand. The door creaks open.
JOSEPH
Hello? Where are...
Before he can finish, Jade brings her gun up alongside his temple.
JADE
I'm looking for your new boss.
Joseph is quivering and beginning to sweat.
JADE
And i'm here to ask you where he is.
JOSEPH
I don't know, he's staying somewhere else.
Jade pushes the gun hard into the side of his head, the cold steel making Joseph freeze.
JOSEPH
I'm telling the truth, I don't know where he is.
Jade quickly moves to grab his arm, twisting it behind his back and digging the gun into his back, swinging him into the hotel room, closing the door with her foot. She hits the back of his knee with hers, and he falls to the ground, turning to face Jade, as she points the gun at his head.
JADE
He doesn't normally travel with you does he? Since you're here today, he must be doing something special on this visit. So if you can't tell me where he is, you can tell me what he's doing.
JOSEPH
I don't know anything!
Jade moves the gun and points it at his foot, and gives him a questioning glance. He stays silent. Jade closes her eyes as if disappointed, and pulls the trigger, shooting his foot.
Joseph screams in pain and tries to clutch his food, but Jade stops him, placing her foot on his and pressuring it.
JADE
Let's play this game again. The more times you're wrong, the more you lose. (beat) Your boss. What's he here for?
JOSEPH
All I know is he's been aware of some guy tracking him for a long time now and he wants to find out why and eliminate him before it causes him any trouble.
Jade points the gun at his other foot, and pushes down harder on the one that's already been shot.
JADE
What do you have to do with this?
JOSEPH
I'm just here to help with any problems he might have with the law.
JADE
If that's why you're here, you should be privy to a little more information yes, in case you must leap to his defense quickly?
Just then, a whimper. Soft, but staggeringly loud. Jade looks left at a bathroom door, and slowly opens it. Inside is a young woman and a small child. Jade's eyes slowly open wide, sad yet angry, and she turns back to Joseph, who stares with alarm at Jade. He appears even more afraid.
JOSEPH
I also know that the guy was ex-military and involved in small black-market trade, mainly around weapons. He's been following my boss from police and military intelligence, as well as intercepting many of our e-mails.
Jade lowers the gun, her face uncomfortable. She glances at the young girl, then at Joseph.
JADE
I think you should find other clients.
With that, Jade moves away, closing the door and leaves.
Joseph collapses with a heavy sigh of pain as he looks at his wife and daughter.
EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT
Jade rushes over to her car, getting in quickly and turning on the engine and quickly driving out of the carpark.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Jade's car screams around the corner and pulls up outside an apartment building, brakes screeching. As her car skids to a halt she leaps out and rushes into the apartment building.
Once she reaches the door however, she slows down to a quiet walk, and proceeds to take the stairs, winding up and up in the darkness to the 5th floor, where Ivan's apartment is.
A faint light from a computer screen filters through a gap in the door. It is open. Jade scans the hallway, then slips into the room quietly. There are several overturned chairs, and a trail of blood leading in to the bedroom. On the floor by the bed is the body of another man. Jade creeps towards the bedroom and peers around the corner. Laying on the bed, covered in blood, is Ivan. He is dead and blood covers his body.
Cheers to all who read
And apologies, C&P doesn't work too well from Sophocles.FADE IN:
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
The dead of night. Silence. No sound, no light.
The soft pat of shoes on cement suddenly begins to echo, louder and louder, until there is suddenly a loud knocking sound. The knocking is greeted by the mumbling of an old man as feet shuffle.
MAN
Who are you?
MAN #2
Messengers.
There is silence again, then quickly, shuffling of feet. Then, the door is opened, creaking loudly in the silent night.
There is heaving breathing, and above the heavy breathing is an almost inaudible mumbling. But quickly, it is stopped. Stopped by the blast of a silenced pistol. In the dead of night, it sounds louder than a rocket blast. A body hits the floor with a thud.
Following it there is a loud, but short scream as it is cut short by the blast of the pistol once more. A body hits the floor with a thud.
All that can now be heard along with the heavy breathing, is the soft whimper of a child. Once more, it is cruelly cut short.
The heavy breathing remains, but nothing more.
MAN #2
Karl, lets go.
Footsteps, then a loud bang as the door shuts close.
INT. APARTMENT
An eyelid bursts open, the pupil coming in to focus, before a body shoots upright in a bed. A hand throws the covers off of a female body, and then they sit still for several seconds, before climbing out of bed.
A wardrobe opens, and inside is a stack of clothes. One by one they are slipped on to the body. And under the clothes sits a pistol, and beside it one clip and a silencer. They are taken and slipped into a pocket. Shoes are slipped on, then a door opens, the feet step out into a hall, and the door shuts.
EXT. MOUNTAINS
A blue sky shines down into gorge in the mountains, where LUKAS VRISIC sits on a rock, feet in the water receiving a massage from a young girl. Lukas closes his eyes as he relaxes into the sound of the rushing water. As he does so, the massage stops.
LUKAS
I'm just getting in to the mood honey, don't stop now. (beat) Hey!
Then, slowly trailing up Lukas' back, is the tip of a silenced pistol. His body goes rigid. A finger splits pursed lips.
MYSTERY GIRL
Sshh.
Slowly a hand gives a folded piece of paper to LUKAS. He looks at it, eyes widening with fear.
MYSTERY GIRL
Understood?
The man's eyes dart to and fro, then he slowly nods his head.
MYSTERY GIRL
Good.
Slowly the gun slides down his back, and goes off. The man sits still, afraid, turning slowly. Behind him he see's his masseuse lying on the ground unconscious, and no one else. He picks up his gear, and runs quickly to his car, getting inside.
Lukas picks up a cell phone, dialing a number. It rings several times, then with a click, there is an answer.
LUKAS
Aleks? Pavel is on to us, we need to move now. (beat) Aleks?
MYSTERY GIRL
Do you know what happens when you lie?
With that, there is a click as the call is terminated. There is a knock on the window, and Lukas rolls it down, turning to face it as he does so. He is greeted by the sight of a pistol, as it blasts in to his face. Behind him is the assassin, the mystery girl, JADE (20).
JADE
That.
Jade walks away from the car and takes a cell out of her pocket, dialing a number.
IVAN (0.S)
Hello?
JADE
It's me. Lukas Vrisic is dead. He failed to comply with our clients request.
IVAN (O.S)
I'll inform them. Also, you should come in. He's here.
With that, Jade snaps the phone shut as she gets in to her car.
EXT. STREET - DAY
A car pulls up outside an apartment building, and Jade exits the car, peering up at the building.
INT. IVAN'S APARTMENT
A fist bangs on a door 3 times, and a few short seconds later, it's opened to reveal IVAN (22).
IVAN
Welcome.
Jade walks in as Ivan closes the door behind him.
IVAN
I picked it up from one of my old army intelligence mates. He arrived this morning from Shanghai, along with his usual protege of bodyguards, but also another interesting figure.
Jade sits down on a sofa, crossing her legs
JADE
Was our client satisfied?
IVAN
Don't look too pleased, he's only the guy you've been waiting for for 15 years.
JADE
Client?
IVAN
Yeah, they satisfied. They hoped he'd bugger off, but since he didn't they're satisfied with your solution.
JADE
Good.
Ivan picks up the laptop sitting near the door and brings it over to Jade to look at.
IVAN
This guy here is a lawyer from Shanghai, and he doesn't usually travel with him, which suggests he's doing something more risky this trip.
JADE
Name and Location?
IVAN
Names Joseph. Heard he went to one of the cheap business hotels near city center. He's not with the main group, but worth checking out.
JADE
Will go check him out tonight.
Ivan nods.
IVAN
Feel free to browse my stock, I'll take the cost out of your last job.
EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT
Feet grind on the wet, uneven ground as Jade walks towards the hotel and up the stairs, into the hotel's lobby.
INT. HOTEL
Jade crosses the lobby towards the elevator and goes inside. She presses the button for level 1, then 2, then 3, then 4. As it goes up, the doors open on level one to reveal an empty hall. The doors close. Once more, they open up on level 3... and reveal an empty hall. Again the elevator goes up, and the door open to reveal... an empty hall... save for one man standing outside a room, back against door. When the doors open, he looks toward the elevator. The doors close.
On level 4, they open and Jade strides out heading towards the stairwell. She slips a knife into her hand and steps out of the stairwell, on to the 3rd floor, silently. Two doors from her is the guard, his head still turned slightly towards the elevator. With a few quick strides, she moves forward, brings the knife up and slits his throat as his body flops to the floor. She drags his body to the stair well, then knocks on the hotel room door.
JOSEPH
Who is it?
Silence. Jade leans against the wall, gun now in her right hand. The door creaks open.
JOSEPH
Hello? Where are...
Before he can finish, Jade brings her gun up alongside his temple.
JADE
I'm looking for your new boss.
Joseph is quivering and beginning to sweat.
JADE
And i'm here to ask you where he is.
JOSEPH
I don't know, he's staying somewhere else.
Jade pushes the gun hard into the side of his head, the cold steel making Joseph freeze.
JOSEPH
I'm telling the truth, I don't know where he is.
Jade quickly moves to grab his arm, twisting it behind his back and digging the gun into his back, swinging him into the hotel room, closing the door with her foot. She hits the back of his knee with hers, and he falls to the ground, turning to face Jade, as she points the gun at his head.
JADE
He doesn't normally travel with you does he? Since you're here today, he must be doing something special on this visit. So if you can't tell me where he is, you can tell me what he's doing.
JOSEPH
I don't know anything!
Jade moves the gun and points it at his foot, and gives him a questioning glance. He stays silent. Jade closes her eyes as if disappointed, and pulls the trigger, shooting his foot.
Joseph screams in pain and tries to clutch his food, but Jade stops him, placing her foot on his and pressuring it.
JADE
Let's play this game again. The more times you're wrong, the more you lose. (beat) Your boss. What's he here for?
JOSEPH
All I know is he's been aware of some guy tracking him for a long time now and he wants to find out why and eliminate him before it causes him any trouble.
Jade points the gun at his other foot, and pushes down harder on the one that's already been shot.
JADE
What do you have to do with this?
JOSEPH
I'm just here to help with any problems he might have with the law.
JADE
If that's why you're here, you should be privy to a little more information yes, in case you must leap to his defense quickly?
Just then, a whimper. Soft, but staggeringly loud. Jade looks left at a bathroom door, and slowly opens it. Inside is a young woman and a small child. Jade's eyes slowly open wide, sad yet angry, and she turns back to Joseph, who stares with alarm at Jade. He appears even more afraid.
JOSEPH
I also know that the guy was ex-military and involved in small black-market trade, mainly around weapons. He's been following my boss from police and military intelligence, as well as intercepting many of our e-mails.
Jade lowers the gun, her face uncomfortable. She glances at the young girl, then at Joseph.
JADE
I think you should find other clients.
With that, Jade moves away, closing the door and leaves.
Joseph collapses with a heavy sigh of pain as he looks at his wife and daughter.
EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT
Jade rushes over to her car, getting in quickly and turning on the engine and quickly driving out of the carpark.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Jade's car screams around the corner and pulls up outside an apartment building, brakes screeching. As her car skids to a halt she leaps out and rushes into the apartment building.
Once she reaches the door however, she slows down to a quiet walk, and proceeds to take the stairs, winding up and up in the darkness to the 5th floor, where Ivan's apartment is.
A faint light from a computer screen filters through a gap in the door. It is open. Jade scans the hallway, then slips into the room quietly. There are several overturned chairs, and a trail of blood leading in to the bedroom. On the floor by the bed is the body of another man. Jade creeps towards the bedroom and peers around the corner. Laying on the bed, covered in blood, is Ivan. He is dead and blood covers his body.
