Opening scene for my short movie

[dlevanchuk]

Going through my first draft of the short story I wrote couple of days ago, and having a bit trouble with the opening scene.

Is it pretty clear what is going on in these scenes?
Finding it a bit difficult to describe the new "world" for a short movie, but i'm willing to accept the challenge




EXT. DOWNTOWN -- DAY

A crowd of pedestrians move through the busy but quiet city
street, decorated with large advertisement banners.

"Improve you telepathic distances for 9.99 a month."

"Get you daily telekineses tune up for FREE!"

At first it seems as if people are actively engaged in
conversations, except we can't HEAR any voices.

The city is completely SILENT.

This is the world of psychics.



EXT. CITY PARK - DAY

Park visitors silently pass a woman on the bench,
as she flips though the book titled LIVING WITHOUT TELEPATHY

Woman's name is ISMA, an attractive woman in high 20s.
A distinguishable RED BADGE with the white lettering Hello
My Name Is Isma is sowed onto her coat.

A strapped from a bulky machine with half peeled
MINDCATCHER 3000 sticker looped around Isma's shoulder. A curled roll of
paper droops from its side.

Wicked laughter breaks the silence and Isma
instinctively covers the red patch on her jacket.

Three EXTREMISTS, in black tall boots and shaved heads, pass
Isma as they quietly gesticulate what seems to be a sexually
natured story and occupy the nearby bench.

GANG LEADER, throws a glance into Isma's direction and
exchanges looks with the group. Isma notices the unpleasant
attention and puts the book away.

A revealed corner of red patch catches Gang Leaders
attention.

Extremists slowly migrate from their bench, and silently bore
Isma with their eyes.

ISMA
(quietly)
I'm sorry, I don't want any--

Extremist#2 jerks forward to Isma but immediately stopped by
Leader.

Group of park visitors pass the bench.

Leader shifts his intensive stare at MindCather.
The machine gives a mechanical screech, as it prints something on
the paper roll.

Isma is motionless.

Leader taps her foot with his steel-toed boot, and signals at
the machine.

With shaky hand, Isma picks up the heavy machine, and reads
the print.

"Get out, FREAK!".

Isma grabs her belongings and hurriedly pushes her way
through the group.



So, what do you think is happening? Is it an interesting opening for a 13-15 minute movie?

 

[LasVegasIRA]

Couple of things...

First, if you don't want your audience confused, you'll have to find a way to better show that the world is full of psychics. You say it in the script with one line, but the audience won't be able to read that line, so you have to show onscreen what's going on.

Second, I like what you have so far, but the final line of "Unknown says: Run like hell, FREAK!" is confusing. Does it mean the maching printed out that exact line as a message, or is the message just "Run like hell, FREAK!" and you haven't named a character yet?

The answer to my question would dictate what I think is going on...

***EDIT*** I reread your post and saw that you were looking to do more with describing the setting, so disregard my first point.

 

[dlevanchuk]

First, if you don't want your audience confused, you'll have to find a way to better show that the world is full of psychics. You say it in the script with one line, but the audience won't be able to read that line, so you have to show onscreen what's going on.

Thats my main problem right now, to show that this is the world of psychics without spending too much time on the opening scene.
Its a bit challenging, but I'll see what I can do!

Second, I like what you have so far, but the final line of "Unknown says: Run like hell, FREAK!" is confusing. Does it mean the maching printed out that exact line as a message, or is the message just "Run like hell, FREAK!" and you haven't named a character yet?

Oops, i'll get rid of the "Unknown says" portion.


thank you for advices!

 

[maralyn]

A few things threw me a bit, even the first line, busy but quiet street. Even when I reread it, it didn't make sense. Maybe you could use a sound track to create the telepathic world.

I was also confused by the label on the clothes, if they are telepathic, why do they need to wear that, and why does everyone need to know your name in the first place.

Also, I thought the paper print out seemed low tech, given the futuristic environment.

Maybe the gang could have a bit more stealth. Maybe at first she only catches a glimpse, and then another, then they appear to surround her, more like wolves, one on lookout, another behind her, you know, more like pack hunting.

Then as she tries to leave she's blocked.

 

[dlevanchuk]

A few things threw me a bit, even the first line, busy but quiet street. Even when I reread it, it didn't make sense. Maybe you could use a sound track to create the telepathic world.

I was also confused by the label on the clothes, if they are telepathic, why do they need to wear that, and why does everyone need to know your name in the first place.

Also, I thought the paper print out seemed low tech, given the futuristic environment.

Maybe the gang could have a bit more stealth. Maybe at first she only catches a glimpse, and then another, then they appear to surround her, more like wolves, one on lookout, another behind her, you know, more like pack hunting.

Then as she tries to leave she's blocked.

Perfect. I see where the confusion comes in.
I'll rewrite it to make it more clear.

 

[LasVegasIRA]

I see it as a world where everyone communicates telepathically, except for Isma. Whether she doesn't want to or isn't able to is unclear.

The patch she wears seems like a "scarlet letter" telling everyone that she is an outsider without the ability to use psychic powers. The skinheads are prejudiced against people that don't have the ability.

The line "Get out, freak" tells me that either the leader of the skinhead gang is sympathetic and warns Isma to run before she gets hurts, or just doesn't want her to be in the park that they are visiting. I would have to see the gang leader's facial expression and/or body language to know which it is.

To me, it reads like an African-American main character in the south in the early 1900's.

At least that's what I got out of it...

 

[FantasySciFi]

A couple of issues stick out in terms of believability that I'd add.

EXT. DOWNTOWN -- DAY

A crowd of pedestrians move through the busy but quiet city
street, decorated with large advertisement banners.

"Improve you telepathic distances for 9.99 a month."

"Get you daily telekineses tune up for FREE!"

At first it seems as if people are actively engaged in
conversations, except we can't HEAR any voices.

The city is completely SILENT.

This is the world of psychics.

If this is a city, the vehicles are probably still going to make sound. So the city isn't completely silent. And if people are psychic, I'd be clear that people in conversation are looking at each other and gesturing but not speaking. The banners hint at "psychic".

Just from my perspective, I would have a picture of ISMA looking in a store window when you start into this scene, see her red label and turn away. First it introduces her immediately and can show her awkwardness. Perhaps as she leaves a bookstore with the book in hand.

This is just a personal preference but one that I see frequently in scripts. After your slugline, put the description before putting in action and dialogue. So you wrote:

EXT. CITY PARK - DAY

Park visitors silently pass a woman on the bench,
as she flips though the book titled LIVING WITHOUT TELEPATHY

Woman's name is ISMA, an attractive woman in high 20s.
A distinguishable RED BADGE with the white lettering Hello
My Name Is Isma is sowed onto her coat.

A strapped from a bulky machine with half peeled
MINDCATCHER 3000 sticker looped around Isma's shoulder. A curled roll of
paper droops from its side.
...

That might be re-written as:

               EXT. CITY PARK[color="red"], BENCH[/color] - DAY

               The attractive young woman, ISMA (late 20s), sits on a bench.  Her
               older coat has a sewn, distinguishable RED BADGE WITH WHITE 
               LETTERING:  "Hello.  My Name is Isma".  A strap loops about 
               her shoulder to a clunky box with half peeled sticker: 
               "MINDCATCHER 3000".   A curled roll of paper droops from its side.

               Park visitors silently pass her as she flips though the book:
               "Living Without Telepathy".

               etc.

The basic reason is that after the location/time information (slugline), we set the scene with basic description. Then you dive into the action. You only need to do this the first time you introduce a scene. Also, I would narrow the slugline slightly. Since you might have multiple locations in the park.

If you introduce her in the first scene, you can modify this somewhat.

Wicked laughter breaks the silence and Isma
instinctively covers the red patch on her jacket.

Three EXTREMISTS, in black tall boots and shaved heads, pass
Isma as they quietly gesticulate what seems to be a sexually
natured story and occupy the nearby bench.

GANG LEADER, throws a glance into Isma's direction and
exchanges looks with the group.
This is a POV shift, so probably a new shot, so new line.
Isma notices the unpleasant attention and puts the book away.

A revealed corner of red patch catches Gang Leaders
attention.

Extremists slowly migrate from their bench, and silently bore
Isma with their eyes.

ISMA
(quietly)
I'm sorry, I don't want any--

You send mixed messages with everything be silent and then the laughter. Are the psychics mute? deaf? Why is the city silent but these extremists laughing which seems like a very non-psychic thing to do?

If he's psychic, why would he need to exchange looks? What is she responding to? Can she hear their thoughts, making her psychic? If she feels menaced, I don't think she would be apologizing. You might want her ticker-tape machine to start working at this point instead of later. That would then make a bit more sense when

Extremist#2 jerks forward to Isma but immediately stopped by
Leader.

Group of park visitors pass the bench.

Leader shifts his intensive stare at MindCatcher.

The machine gives a mechanical screech, as it prints something on
the paper roll.

Isma is motionless.

Leader taps her foot with his steel-toed boot, and signals at
the machine.

With shaky hand, Isma picks up the heavy machine, and reads
the print.

"Get out, FREAK!".

Isma grabs her belongings and hurriedly pushes her way
through the group.

Okay, when did they get up and approach Isma? Park visitors cross between them. The last we see, the extremists are sitting on a nearby bench. If the MindCatcher picks up thoughts, how does it selectively pick up his thoughts over, say, a nearby park visitors? It seems like as a tool, she would need to direct it at someone, otherwise, it would be printing off messages like crazy, kind of like Twitter stream of consciousness.

So, what do you think is happening? Is it an interesting opening for a 13-15 minute movie?

I think it sounds interesting. And somehow, knowing you, there's a love story twisted up in there. I think that you need to clearly think out what this telepathic society is like. Are capable of speech? Can they hear or is this an adaptation? How did she learn to speak in a mute world? You've got a great idea. Would we have TV or movies in such a world?

In your opening, I think I would key in her sooner and gradually show the world is skewed. The audience can relate through her being 'normal'. I might have her come out of the shop with her bulky box and being somewhat shy. Then bump into someone and have them glare at her then shake their head with disgust. Gradually the silence seems ominous and we start seeing the billboards which suggests this is a psychic society. Now when she has the problem in the park, she's already been introduced in part (act one) and the introductory conflict sets a good transition to act two. We now know she's 'abnormal' in this society.

I like it overall.

 

[dlevanchuk]

FanstasySciFi - thank you very very much for sucha detailed review!
I'm going over the whole thing, and just playing around with the ideas "what if a non psychic lived in the world of psychics".

I will go over the brought up issues.
Thank you again!

 

[joey1320]

I'm going over the whole thing, and just playing around with the ideas "what if a non psychic lived in the world of psychics".

I read your opening scene and I was intrigued, but now that I read your simpler idea I'm not sure where it will go. For example, the reason why psychics living in the regular world is an intriguing tale is because of their superpower and what they can do with it. But for a normal person to live in a psychic world makes it kinda boring, she knows she doesn't have any special abilities and the people around her do, so where does it go from there.

I guess you can show internal turmoil within her since she feels left out by not having the abilities. Or she has resentment towards society and others with such powers... humm now that I think about it, this is a cool idea. Good luck!