One Page Proposal

[ussinners]

I was reading a book on screenwriting, and they were talking about putting together a one-page proposal that gives the reader an idea of what the movie is going to be about without giving away the entire story. It should make them interested in actually reading the script.

I've written my first proposal for my script ANGIE BABY.

It's below. Would it make you want to read the script, or have any interest in it at all?

Thanks.

ANGIE BABY

What's in a name? Is she Angela Lucas, Angela Speck or perhaps Angela Berkowitz. Angie Baby is what her devoted lap-dog Kevin calls her. He would kill the President of the United States to prove his love. Yet he's the sane half of this twisted couple.

Angie's lack of accomplishment fuels the rage that boils consistently within her. So, on her thirtieth Birthday she sets a simple goal, record "Charley" the love song she's written. The only problem blocking her way, talent.

Angie seeks guidance from the town songstress. But, conservative Christian Betty is put-off by Angie's erratic pushy behavior. Her reservations are smoothed over by Kevin's monetary donation.

What should have been a simple dinner and music lesson turns into days of physical and psychological torture, once Betty hears Charlie's last name. Manson.

Besides being filled with dark humor, suspense and enough terror to fill any horror fan's appetite . Angie Baby introduces a twisted parlor game that is sure to be the rage for two or more psychotics. It's name? Find the Bullet.

Henry Lee Lucas, Richard Speck, David Berkowitz and Charles Manson. These killers have nothing on Angie Baby.

 

[Graeme]

Hmmm,

Sorry I may be too tired, but this doesn't sound much like a story (each line moving from one part of the story to the next) but rather a bunch of statements about the story.

Beyond there being a twisted parlor game there doesn't seem to be any other action in the movie.

 

[wheatgrinder]

Grame hit it right on the head. What is the story?

I kinda get what your going for, but its not working ...

Try focusing on EXTERNAL events (events OUTSIDE the minds of your characters), we don't care what Kevin MIGHT do, what DOES he do? That is just back story to the event of interest anyway. Tell us about the dinner evening that goes horribly wrong.

Also, you should make your victim truly good, that way the reader will want to sympathize even more as she has a night in heck. Having her change her mind because of money, just makes me want to shrug, oh well, bad people doing bad things to other bad people.. nothing new there..

Have her want to help out of "Christian love" not greed.

 

[ussinners]

Thanks. This is my first try and I get what you're telling me. I'll give it another shot.

 

[rickr84]

Its 2am here and I'm also tired, but I read it twice and it still sounds like it could be put together by 'Mad Libs' randomly. I barely know whats going on.

I'm not a writer, and english isnt my native language, but I have a feeling something weird is going on here because I'm confused. The DOG calls her Angie Baby? Or does lap-dog mean her 'whipped' boyfriend? I'm guessing it's a dog. But its name is KEVIN, which isnt a dogs name. And then, Kevin is killing the president to show his love? Dogs dont kill presidents, and they dont know why killing one would be meaningful. Dogs run through traffic fearlessly when they love you, or something like that. So now I think Kevin is a boyfriend again, since they are a couple, and that just doesnt sound right. When people form bonds with animals they are sometimes referred to as a pair. So ok, Kevin is a guy. Finally.

See how damn confusing this is?

Later you write "HER reservations are smoothed over".. WHO? The previous sentence was about a guy right? Because Christian is a guys name. Oh, you mean religious Christian. BETTY is the girls name. Depending on how you read Betty, you might think that was the last name. Hey, I said it was late.

Seriously, I hate to be so harsh on post #7, but I'm pretty sure clarity is very important.

 

[jrhmy]

Its 2am here and I'm also tired, but I read it twice and it still sounds like it could be put together by 'Mad Libs' randomly. I barely know whats going on.

That's exactly it. It felt like reading a foreign Mad Libs compiled only with the intent to share inside jokes.

There might be a nice story going on and it seems like you have quite developed characters. You mentioned that a one page proposal is supposed to hook the reader to the story, you should also keep in mind that, at this point, the readers have no idea who your characters are (nor the theme, mood, genre, and story for that matter).

You revealed the guy's last name ("Manson.") like it was supposed to be dramatic. I'm sure it is, but it might not have the same effect on the readers as it has on you, the writer.

It's quite like deciphering a message, and when you present a new idea to someone, it's important to make it quick, to the point and interesting. But with the users' criticism, you're likely to improve, and I'm certain your next page long proposal will be better.