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New short - feedback requested

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Nice character sketch, UC. I'm a fan of your directing style so I can easily see this happening as I read along: contemplative pacing, nostalgic tone...

The ending wasn't entirely satisfying to me, although perhaps when shot and cut together it will be.

Always like the oil & water contrast of characters at odds with one another stuck together. Certainly some potential for comic moments. I can imagine James, so unnerved with Larry, maybe snatching the balsa plane and crushing it or throwing it out the window. :) A shot of it flying in the air, landing along the side of the road or something like that?

Just riffing...
 
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I LOVE THAT RIFF! I've already decided to start with a huge high shot of the empty, desolate road...with the car tiny on the horizon and approaching, inspired/stolen entirely from the opening shot of the Encyclopedia Brittanica version of "The Lottery."

The plane will definitely be tossed out the window and we'll have another plaintive shot of it falling to the ground. That's a beautiful riff.

I'm not entirely sold on the ending myself, so if you have any more riffs come your way, please share them.

My brother and I are going to be the actors, and we're going to shoot it on our way up to our father's actual childhood home in Michigan's thumb, so I'm sure there'll be plenty of on-the-spot riffing as well.

Thanks for reading and for your great ideas.
 
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How are you going to do the huge high shot of the street that is empty and desolate....r u gonna have a crane?...i have an idea for a similar shot but do not know how to pull it off
 
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Hey, UC. I'm in the middle of a storytelling class right now, so I'm starting with a disclaimer.

I see the first scene with no dialog and LARRY and JAMES changing the radio station on each other without an apparent reaction from either of them - like they've done this a million times before, then a cutaway to the car zooming by and back to where you begin the story.

This gives a little exposition to the relationship and also shows James has a patient side that can be used down the line. Also, if it were to strike your fancy, you could have them choosing stations against character - for example: LARRY likes classical while JAMES likes hip-hop - aiming at something Garage Band friendly to keep those headaches at bay.

Just some thoughts. Consider the source. :cool:
 
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Not sure what feedback to offer here, it's all fine and good. I like the characters. I like the dialogue, only one bit feels a little forced to me...

JAMES
Can’t you just sit still?!?

LARRY
No, I won’t!

Not sure why, it just sounds odd to me. Might just be me being a little picky, but surely Larry should say "No, I can't" not "won't"? Not sure if thats why it feels odd, but it could be that...

Just one last thought, you write "The uke playing continues for several minutes". Going by the page-per-minute rule, if the uke playing really did continue for several minutes, surely half you film would be of a man playing a ukulele. I'm sure that's not the intention, but it's just something I noticed.

Very good stuff though!
 
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Cam and Hatter, great points and ideas. Thank you so much. Samvic, I'll probably use the 2nd floor of an old house by the road and a really wide lens. Not as high as huge.
 
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It doesn't really feel like a complete, standalone piece to me. More like a scene in a longer movie.

But I like the premises a lot. It's fertile soil. It deserves at least a 10-page development.
 
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Uranium City said:
I agree, it's very much a fragment. Where might you take it, if you were to take it somewhere deeper?
Click to expand...

The short segment you shared is a really nice intro to them but lacks a driving force. I think it has lots of powerful imagery. Just take time to develop the story carefully. In the end, the brothers need to come to a stronger bond and understanding of their relationship with their father and grandfather.

You threw out a few flashbacks which I think is a good idea. Now lay out the problem they need to resolve between them and the family. Why did grandfather love James better? That is a powerful issue in families when one child is favored over another. Is Larry 'more successful' because he's trying to get his father and grandfather's attention. I would have a story evolve around the ash stand. As they walk around the site, they pick up small burnt memorabilia. In the end, the house burned down because of the knocked over ash stand. It caused the destruction of the house, and metaphorically, the destruction of the relationships.

This could be a very stirring indie short.
 
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Uranium City said:
I agree, it's very much a fragment. Where might you take it, if you were to take it somewhere deeper?
Click to expand...

I was thinking of the following device. The smoking stand (maybe this could be changed to something else if needed) might be linked to a painful memory for Larry. It was an event that took place during the boys' adolescence. It was deeply hurtful to Larry and left him scarred. However what truly happened might not be that clear. Larry's interpretation of the facts was based on his limited view. James was involved too. He has another view of the events. They had never confronted their different versions until now. Maybe grandpa was a witness too. He may hold the last piece of the puzzle.

I was also thinking that this piece could be more visceral if the character of grandpa were eliminated and it's the dad who's dying. Maybe the dad was constantly comparing the 2 brothers. James was the more successful and the dad was always telling Larry to be more like James. You would have to make Larry and James closer in age for this to work.
 
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