New Screenplay-Julia-Feedback

[Zaco32]

Hey guys.

I made a thread a couple of weeks ago about my screenplay I wrote for a short film that I wanted to make.
After getting a lot of great constructive criticism and spending a lot of time on it, I wanted to post my final draft.

I wrote this to what I will actually be able to film. This will be my second attempt at a short.
I'm not a Hollywood director nor do I have that kind of budget or any budget at all.
This will be a one man show on my part so I wanted to keep it realistically possible for me to direct.

So please leave comments and constructive criticism. I think there a probably a few format issues left that will be
fixed once I download a program to get it just right.
Thank you for reading it.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/19Fu2VGjka4m1cEmpnNnauPbVIHMb3rPZRjOxYrJljl4/edit?usp=sharing

 

[maz]

The story still doesn't ring true. The murderer has to be an idiot to leave evidence lying around like that, and he's escaped arrest for the crime for so long, he clearly isn't an idiot.

Are police able to come into someone's home and handle their property without permission or a warrant? I'm not sure. You should probably also have Mayfield wearing gloves when handling the bracelet, as otherwise he's contaminated the evidence.

All that said, this version is better. There is sort of a story, even if its resolution remains unsatisfactory (as it depends on this criminal who's eluded everyone for X number of years being a complete idiot).

I like the opening sequence too.

 

[Zaco32]

The story still doesn't ring true. The murderer has to be an idiot to leave evidence lying around like that, and he's escaped arrest for the crime for so long, he clearly isn't an idiot.

Are police able to come into someone's home and handle their property without permission or a warrant? I'm not sure. You should probably also have Mayfield wearing gloves when handling the bracelet, as otherwise he's contaminated the evidence.

All that said, this version is better. There is sort of a story, even if its resolution remains unsatisfactory (as it depends on this criminal who's eluded everyone for X number of years being a complete idiot).

I like the opening sequence too.

Hey thanks Maz for reading it again. I guess the mystery genre
isn't really my thing but I want to see it through till the end.

Yeah the bracelet was going to be the clue but I have yet to think of a
better way to intertwine it. I'm trying to also keep the story in the realm
of what I can actually film. So I can't get too crazy with it. But yes, I agree
that Edwards is an idiot and that the bracelet should be implemented
into the story better.

Thanks again for the kind words and taking the time to read it. I'm sure from
the last thread that you were probably hesitant to read it so thank you.

 

[maz]

Well, the main thing that is unexplained is: what is the new evidence that has come to light? It has to be pretty compelling to reignite a dormant trial.

Also, from a psychological point of view, I reckon keeping mementoes from the victim is more likely to be something that a serial offender (killer, rapist, whatever) would do. If it's a one-off crime of passion, then I struggle to understand his motivation for keeping a bracelet that will only ever count against him.

I don't know how best to resolve the problems of motivation and resolution, but I would suggest that a satisfying way from a narrative point of view would be to introduce something seemingly innocuous in the initial flashback scene that later is the thing that causes Edwards to slip up (the Chekov's gun principle).

Also, if the detectives suspect Edwards and want to catch him out, then again they're being pretty stupid by charging in and saying "I think you killed her!" A nice polite "helping with our enquiries" that puts Edwards at ease (and thus more likely to slip up if he thinks the police have come round just to cover something that was missed) instead of on edge and guarded (because he's being accused).

 

[Zaco32]

Well, the main thing that is unexplained is: what is the new evidence that has come to light? It has to be pretty compelling to reignite a dormant trial.

Also, from a psychological point of view, I reckon keeping mementoes from the victim is more likely to be something that a serial offender (killer, rapist, whatever) would do. If it's a one-off crime of passion, then I struggle to understand his motivation for keeping a bracelet that will only ever count against him.

I don't know how best to resolve the problems of motivation and resolution, but I would suggest that a satisfying way from a narrative point of view would be to introduce something seemingly innocuous in the initial flashback scene that later is the thing that causes Edwards to slip up (the Chekov's gun principle).

Also, if the detectives suspect Edwards and want to catch him out, then again they're being pretty stupid by charging in and saying "I think you killed her!" A nice polite "helping with our enquiries" that puts Edwards at ease (and thus more likely to slip up if he thinks the police have come round just to cover something that was missed) instead of on edge and guarded (because he's being accused).

The new evidence was going to be that "his file" his name somewhere along the way got misplaced so they never go to interviewing him. Maybe I can close the time gap from a couple of years to a few months later to make it seem more realistic.

Yes the fact that he kept the bracelet seems kind of like what a serial killer would do but maybe the divorce just set him off. And after his first murder maybe he realized he liked what he got out of it. This could of been the point were a serial killer was born but he got caught before he could start?

I could go back and change the way the detectives charge at him but I think since this is going to be a short under 10 minutes it needs to get to that point quicker.