New Life Short Treatment

[dvdguy]

Hi dear filmmakers,

I haven't been active on these forums for quite some time now and I'm glad to see you guys still jumpin and writing, filming and so forth.

I have an unfinished treatment of a short film I'm currently working on for my film college. Id' really like your honest opinion and critiques as to the story structure, characters etc. I know it has some flaws at the moment, however, with the right guidelines I can turn this into something very dramatic and beautiful.

Any flaws, confusions and questions that need answering, would be awesome.

Treatment: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B89OlY2pP4fuOFcwR2VaYW42azJqQXRpVnZGQVA0UVpiWjI4/edit?usp=sharing

I usually would finish the story myself, but since peer pressure can be a b***h (from my professors) and the fact that I'm always fighting between "I have to finish this" vs. "I want to finish this", in other words, duty vs. love, these two keep contrasting, while I write, sometimes giving me a writers' block so I can't focus. So that's why I need your help on this one.

Thanks in advance,

Max

 

[ChimpPhobiaFilms]

Not bad, although some scenes and descriptions could be shortened down.

EX.

A medical stretcher can be seen exiting the ambulance. It lands roughly on the ground, shaking the victim.

to...

A stretcher quickly exits an ambulance, landing roughly on the ground, and shaking the victim.

It makes for an easier and quicker read.

Also, instead of EXT/INT, you can use I/E

It also doesn't have much of a clear structure. It almost seems like it might come of as... boring. Aside from her flipout, the second page is essentially her just recovering and leaving. It doesn't have a strong conflict or climax. Perhaps if you made her recovery more painful, or put in the possibility of death, and then she makes it, then it would be more exciting. Or perhaps her son is dead and she is slowly dying. The light she is walking towards being the afterlife. I don't know. Just something more interesting or grabbing. Her release isn't climactic because she is recovering just fine. Unless you are still writing it. Then it that case - forget what I was saying.

Overall, nice job

 

[dvdguy]

Not bad, although some scenes and descriptions could be shortened down.

EX.

A medical stretcher can be seen exiting the ambulance. It lands roughly on the ground, shaking the victim.

to...

A stretcher quickly exits an ambulance, landing roughly on the ground, and shaking the victim.

It makes for an easier and quicker read.

Also, instead of EXT/INT, you can use I/E

It also doesn't have much of a clear structure. It almost seems like it might come of as... boring. Aside from her flipout, the second page is essentially her just recovering and leaving. It doesn't have a strong conflict or climax. Perhaps if you made her recovery more painful, or put in the possibility of death, and then she makes it, then it would be more exciting. Or perhaps her son is dead and she is slowly dying. The light she is walking towards being the afterlife. I don't know. Just something more interesting or grabbing. Her release isn't climactic because she is recovering just fine. Unless you are still writing it. Then it that case - forget what I was saying.

Overall, nice job

Woah, had no idea it came off that way haha. Well, actually, I'm not surprised, because of my situation. Anyway, a lot of useful insight. I'll get on it right now and update you on my progress, should you stay interested.

Peace.

P.S. Need more info if possible