Need help with screenwriting

[nielsTRY]

Hi,

I am in my first year of film school in Belgium and working on a project for school. I have to make a 4 minute movie. That shows that i can tell a cohesive story in only a few minutes. I have been rewrite my script a lot of times and me and my instructor cant figure out to make the story work. The deadline is reaching closer and i am preparing to do a reshoot the 12th of may. Are there seasonded script writers that can help me with my writers block?

Here a short synopsis: 2 female waiters who are working in a café are fed up with making little money. they come up with a plan to stage a robery on their café. they hire a hitman and prepare a plan. Their plan is to involve a witness. they choose for a regular customer that Always had an eye on one of the waiters. the problem is he has come with a dte this time and doesnt look interested in her. After trying a couple of times he gets him to come but he sees tht there is something wrong. The three thieves are counting there money in a safe house till all of a sudden the police knocks on their door...

If you want to help let me know and i can send you the script(translated)

Niels

 

[sathvikm]

It probably is too late but let me put it out there
Skip all the introductions and everything
The opening scene is directly on the day of the robbery.
Ellen patiently watches Lien strike out with ewoud and Lien walks back to the counter disappointed
Ellen tries to contact Bruno but he does not pick up the phone.Leaves him a message scolding and reminding him that today is 'the' DAY
Ellen looks at the safe with despair and tells Lien that they can never pull it off
And you can go on from there
In the end you can show that a masked person who they have mistaken for bruno is actually a robber and they have been robbed for real (a bit cliche'd but works perfectly for a 4 minute short)