• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

Need Help on Short Film Script - Green Day

CrazyChris

CrazyChris

Hi.

Here's the script my friend wrote: https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B0XZd-PXmoRrRW02Ukh2SzVaS0k

It's called Green Day.

He doesn't have an account so I'm posting it on his behalf. It's pretty good in my opinion. I did the conversion to screenwriting format, so any grammatical gripes are on me.

We're looking for any constructive opinions on the story and overall structure. The intention is to co-op direct it together in a couple weeks so problems with the description are something of an irrelevance. Any advice in regards to the dialogue would be awesome, though you have to keep in mind that these characters are stoners.

Thanks a heap in advance for any help you can give me and my friend.

If you have any scripts you need help with or critique on give me a shout. I'm not an active part of the community so I should do my part.

Again, thanks.
 
Sort by date Sort by votes
Hey guys decided to join the forum. I wrote this short screenplay about a month ago. I'm thinking of re-writing the scene about legalization cos I think it slows down the film and kind of wrecks the comedic pace of the film. I got my mate Chris to post so I could get some feed back and suggestions from people outside of my small circle of friends.
Thanks for taking the time to read it.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
It's okay, feels a bit tired towards the end. More focus on the gun in the beginning. I don't know why, but I think I might love to see the gun before he shows it and a title would point out ADAM THINKS HE HAS BOUGHT A REAL GUN. Guess that would honor whoever it was that Tarantino ripped this style from.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Cheers man. Will be doing a re-write. In you opinion when do you think I should show the gun? Before Liam gets to the house or a bit after? Anyways thanks for the comment it's the first thing I've written so I'm just glad to hear that it's not awful. As for the tarentino influence that was un intended I thought it was more of a Kevin smith rip off more then anything I really only put the gun in cos I wasent 100% sure how to end it and I just thought it was cool cos up until then it's really just two stoners with a tired friendship also you said it got a bit tired towards the end. Do you have any suggestions on how to make it sound not do tiresome. Thanks for reading.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Alright, I read it. To be honest it'd make an interesting little short if shot and acted right. I liked the choices of music. However it's not a great screenplay. It feels a little desperate to emulate Tarantino, especially with the vulgar, aimless discussion about random topics, the titles throughout (I admit, the opening definition title was amusing) and the overall premise (two guys getting high and talking). It's nothing special, it feels tired and strung out and the ending is abrupt and pointless.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Alright cheer man thanks for taking the time to read it. Yes the ending is pointless and really kind of cheesy but hey it's a short about two stoners. The way I'm hoping it turns out is for the two charecters to build some sort of tension through out the scences of diolouge (I know the descriptions show absolutely no indication of that) and the whole gun thing kind of releases the tension between the two charecters and both the charecters respond in a different way based on there personality, that's why Adam just shrugs off the whole incident cos there's really no other way he could respond while keeping charecter. I agree that the screenplay is very flawed and how come every time some one writes a conversation into there diolouge or includes a gun it's immediately a tarentino rip off like I said in my earlier comment it's more of a Kevin smith rip off more then anything.I added the gun cos I didn't have any idea how to end it. But if you have any suggestions I'd be interested in hearing them. Once agains thanks for reading.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Now that you mention it, I do see a good deal of Kevin Smith in there. But the title cards (and on a more subtle level, the inclusion of Eastwood) reminded me of Tarantino.

It's a fine screenplay. Your dialogue flows, which is important and usually failed on by most writers. I know that any conversation with friends usually emulates one of Tarantino's (because, well, we always talk about pop culture) but your inclusion of it, and making the short revolve around it is what strikes me as you replicating that style.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Another thing. This would be really easy to shoot, and I'm considerably happy that you're doing a nice dialogue-driven piece instead of what most guys our age do: bumbling, random shoot-out videos. Which is why I think you should rework that ending. Honestly I think the script seems like a good opening for a longer film... maybe a feature about the two. Good luck.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
Yer I was thinking a feature but really I just wanna use this to gather some directing experience. I got some other stuff I'm writing which is a bit more exciting then two stoners with a taterd friendship but I'll probley just do a bit of re-write of it and mabey revisit these two charecters later.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top