Need Feedback- Feature Screenplay: "Shadowed"

fernando97echeverria · Jul 21, 2012

SCREENPLAY:
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B_8v9raspP5uMzNLenFaYzZSM1U

"Shadowed" (120 pages) is based on several accounts of actual friends I have/had and mixed with my own. It's a drama at heart.
Plot: A disoriented teen, deep in the guilt of his best friend's suicide, sets out for redemption and finds himself involved with two very different girls.

I really don't think it's cliche. I tried as hard as I could to break several "teen film" conventions, and think what I've written over the last five months is original and I can say that I'm proud of it.

If you could give it a read and maybe provide some feedback, that would be great. Thanks to everyone.

fernando97echeverria · Jul 22, 2012

I understand it takes time to read a screenplay over, but man, it'd help a lot. I just want a couple of opinions, if at all. It took quite a while to write it.

alexwhitmer · Jul 25, 2012

I'll give it a shot. Up to page 15, but may take a day or two to get through it. So far it is a slow read, and a few things I don't get, like what's a snap back, and what's a Gold Card mom look like. Dialogue is fairly good, though I think there is way too much of it. Things like (double-entendre) and all the WE SEE and WE BLAST are making me insane.

You have a pretty good grasp of English, though, which oddly enough is seldom seen with screenwriters.

I'll catch up in a few days.

a

fernando97echeverria · Jul 30, 2012

Thanks. Hope you get an opportunity to read through it.

TheEpitomeofAverage · Jul 31, 2012

Well my strength isnt really dialogue, but more storyboarding. One tip i'll give, is to start the script with your character already in grief about his friends death. Then throught the movie, you can use flashbacks that explain why your character is the way he is, doing things he's done. In the predicament he's in.

But thats just my opinion. Your script is your baby. Raise it however u feel fit

neongrayscale · Sep 22, 2012

Finally got time to finish reading it. The main thing is the first act, suicide is such a cliche topic. And most of the beginning seems slow. I liked the avenger scene and the party crashing. But those didnt seem to move the forward a whole lot. Once you introduce Kitty though, the story really takes off. So maybe do it through flashbacks, or just cut it down a little. That was the big thing. Also:
-You introduce Seth with a cutaway to him watching tv. Your decision, but I would just hold off showing Seth until Cameron sees him at school.
-the veronica scene felt awkward. And we dont meet her again, so maybe cut it down.
-Having Cameron find Seth dead also felt a tad to much coincidental. Again, solved through flashbacks if you choose.
-When Amber finds Cameron cheating on her, maybe have her come for a different reason. A surprise date isnt really visualized, and again felt like to much of a coincidence.
Overall good story. And again, once you introduce Kitty, the story gets unique and interesting. Your story, do what you want. Again, It really impressed me. Do you still have plans of trying to shoot it?

fernando97echeverria · Sep 22, 2012

Thanks for the feedback man. Yeah, I definitely developed the story because of the Kitty character, which I really liked. Veronica's scene is supposed to be this awfully awkward, sad realization that Cameron's friends are shallow and have changed. But I totally get what you said about the pacing problems, the coincidences and all that.

Like I've told you, I'm trying to get this time travel series off the ground, and I kind of discarded this. Though, I hope to get back to this soon. Again, thanks!

Firm1 · Sep 23, 2012

I'm not going to lie. Not only is this readable, but I'm really interested in reading the whole 120 pages. Unfortunately, I can't read it all right now, but I'm curious to see where this will lead. Maybe it'll end up being like "A Separate Piece."

Anyway, can't wait to find out what it is.