Need feed back please

[joey1986]

I want brutal critiquing. Ill never get better unless you rip these 5 pages to shreds! If you don't want to read it thats fine, just drop in say hi [

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B8UX3D6AhyWfTjVMUW9LRzluVU0/view?usp=sharing



EXT/INT. WONDER MOTEL - DAY
BAKERSFIELD CA, WONDER MOTEL. ONLY THING KEEPING THIS VILE rundown cesspool in business is its uncanny demand for floozy’s and smack.
A breath-taking 1968 Chevy Malibu pulls in. Maneuvering around the flock of indigenous burnouts.
BILLY LATE THIRTY’S emerge’s out and walks to the trunk. He pulls out a brown paper bag along with miniature traffic cones. He sets the cones around the car at this point it should be obvious its his baby.
VINCENT’S WONDER MOTEL ROOM
The inside of the motel isn't exempt from the monstrosity outside. The room’s Riddled with roaches and bedbugs. The walls, tables, and bed boards covered in brown crusty grime. A Bed set that's well passed its prime. A septic tank would make for a far better stay then this dump.
VINCENT GELLER EARLY FORTY’S has concocted quite the sex contraption. Up above the door frame closest to the restroom, is a metal pull-up bar.
Were Vincent has wrapped his leather belt around to asphyxiate himself. While Aimee, THE HOOKER early fifty’s, slurp’s the gherkin.
Vincent’s lets out a series obnoxious whimpering sounds, accompanied with the words fuck,shit, yes and no.
Vincent eyes dart back legs begin to quiver that's right he is in full blown climax mode.

 

[joey1986]

is it unreadable?

 

[SixOhThree]

Hey Joey,
Only because you asked for brutal I'll be exceptionally picky. I'm not a format expert so I'll leave that to others, but there are a ton of grammar and spelling errors that should have been very easy to catch. (it's "ransack," not "ramsack").

My biggest concern though is that it's detached from reality right from the first page. For example the state department doesn't investigate murders. Also, the first line suggests that Eric is Matteo's attorney, but then Eric says he was "integrated" (I assume you meant interrogated) by the FBI. The most basic tenet of their relationship it confidentiality: the FBI knows it cannot legally persuade an attorney to violate that confidentiality in an interrogation, and they would similarly not have an attorney/client discussion in front of one-way glass (where an investigator may be listening).

The site won't display anything past the second page of the script so I cannot comment on the rest of it.

 

[joey1986]

Thank you for the feed back so far, i posted a new link.

Yea I removed some stuff before i posted it, i should of left it in sorry.
So basically the state department was investigating a Matteo for charity fraud. He is actually in jail for something completely different, Caught strangling a women on camera.

 

[Filman]

Checked it out. You have a good voice going for you and the first scene works - truly works. The rest lacks that thing and also is very hard to get through because the most weird typos.

You have a habit to use words that means something else, so as a reader I get lured in to thinking that I understand what you want to say, but then the whole sentence doesn't make any sense. I had to go back three times before I realized what the typo was doing to me. Horrible.

 

[joey1986]

Checked it out. You have a good voice going for you and the first scene works - truly works. The rest lacks that thing and also is very hard to get through because the most weird typos.

You have a habit to use words that means something else, so as a reader I get lured in to thinking that I understand what you want to say, but then the whole sentence doesn't make any sense. I had to go back three times before I realized what the typo was doing to me. Horrible.

Thanks for the feed back. Can you please point me to what worked and what didn't thanks you.

 

[Quality]

And respect the past participle!

 

[joey1986]

And respect the past participle!

Ill be honest with you, i have no idea what that means but i will google it until i figure it out. Thanks for the feedback.

 

[SixOhThree]

Hey Joey, Thanks for making the last few pages available. I read through it and I think it gets better. I especially liked some of your dark humor, like the hooker being completely unfazed by what's going on, and the last line about monogamy.

You're adding a ton of direction to your script, which a more experienced screenwriter will tell you to leave out. The script should only tell the story, and the director should decide what it's going to look like on screen.

The spelling, grammar and usage issues are killing me though. Your use of apostrophes especially. For example, your sentence: "BILLY LATE THIRTY'S emerge's out and walks to the trunk." This should be "BILLY, late thirties, emerges and walks to the trunk". In this case both apostrophes were unnecessary.

At the risk of sounding like a grammar nazi, I would recommend familiarizing yourself with grammar and usage as you continue to write. It doesn't hurt the story itself but it can be very distracting for a reader to see numerous errors in every sentence.

 

[joey1986]

Hey Joey, Thanks for making the last few pages available. I read through it and I think it gets better. I especially liked some of your dark humor, like the hooker being completely unfazed by what's going on, and the last line about monogamy.

You're adding a ton of direction to your script, which a more experienced screenwriter will tell you to leave out. The script should only tell the story, and the director should decide what it's going to look like on screen.

The spelling, grammar and usage issues are killing me though. Your use of apostrophes especially. For example, your sentence: "BILLY LATE THIRTY'S emerge's out and walks to the trunk." This should be "BILLY, late thirties, emerges and walks to the trunk". In this case both apostrophes were unnecessary.

At the risk of sounding like a grammar nazi, I would recommend familiarizing yourself with grammar and usage as you continue to write. It doesn't hurt the story itself but it can be very distracting for a reader to see numerous errors in every sentence.

Thank you sir. Good thing i only posted 5 pages and not the 120 cause i would be in a mess of trouble lol


If you like the dark humor, ill be sure to post the finished script so you can read it. i have loads more

 

[Quality]

A writer only needs to ready 10 pages to know if your story is good.

 

[mad_hatter]

Okay, a few notes for you...

“A RATTLED MATTEO MORETTI EARLY THIRTIES sits in a all white interrogation room.” - Writing the opening all in capitals makes it very difficult to read. Capitals should only be used for character introductions (i.e. the first time you write their name). Some people like to use them for sound effects, but even this is a fairly old-school practice. The description ‘early thirties’ may be better placed in brackets. The word ‘rattled’ doesn’t really belong here – you need to show, not tell. How can we see that he’s rattled? Same goes for the following “state of paranoia” line. This opening paragraph should probably read something more like –

“MATTEO MORETTI (32, shaved head, week-old stubble) sits in an all-white interrogation room. He stares at his reflection in the one-way mirror, as he bites his lip and taps his fingertips on the table.”


The parenthesis you use for Matteo’s first line is too much. You should add the fact that he leans across the table into the preceding action line. So –


Before he can speak, Matteo leans across the table.

MATTEO
(whispers)
What the fuck is taking so long?


You open the next scene stating that it’s INT./EXT. when really it’s only exterior. Where you have switched to the interior of the room, this is a new scene, so should have its own INT. slug line. You should describe the motel here, as in what it physically looks like. You state that it’s a “vile, rundown cesspool”, but this should not be here. Again, show, don’t tell. What makes the motel look like a cesspool?


You have a lot of grammar mistakes in here, which need to be fixed. Also, what program did you use to write/format this? Although it’s sort-of right, the additional spaces between sections of dialogue make it difficult to read. The indentations (where each line starts) seem to be all over the place too.


Keep working at it, this is in much better shape than a lot of first-time screenplays we see. Good luck!

 

[writersandfilmmakers]

A writer only needs to ready 10 pages to know if your story is good.

Palleeesssse don't say nonsense. That's cliche shit people say when they want to reject you. In 5 pages i can tell this script needs GRAMMAR, SPELLING work.

As a reader, it's upsetting to read and stumble when the story is going relatively well.


Writer:

Your first two pages were nice. I'd wordsmith "they even got thedoctor who slapped you on your ass that gave you your first breath". You can say it in less words. Make this tighter.

Love: slurp’s the gherkin.

the plastic key was genius, but only on paper. Visually, not sure people are going to see the humour the way you wrote it. but keep it.

"Vince reaches for the belt to unleash himself." i thought he was cuming. that would be funny. up to you...

please fix the simple stuff immediately. Grammar, caps, punctuation etc.

 

[Quality]

Lol @ writersandfilmmakers

 

[joey1986]

Palleeesssse don't say nonsense. That's cliche shit people say when they want to reject you. In 5 pages i can tell this script needs GRAMMAR, SPELLING work.

As a reader, it's upsetting to read and stumble when the story is going relatively well.


Writer:

Your first two pages were nice. I'd wordsmith "they even got thedoctor who slapped you on your ass that gave you your first breath". You can say it in less words. Make this tighter.

Love: slurp’s the gherkin.

the plastic key was genius, but only on paper. Visually, not sure people are going to see the humour the way you wrote it. but keep it.

"Vince reaches for the belt to unleash himself." i thought he was cuming. that would be funny. up to you...

please fix the simple stuff immediately. Grammar, caps, punctuation etc.

This has to be the best feed back so far! thanks you so much. Im gonna go back and read a feel scripts just to get a idea of how the pro's do it. I used final draft.

 

[alex ma whitmer]

I will comment as I read.


This ...

INT. LAPD INTERROGATION ROOM -DAY

A RATTLED MATTEO MORETTI EARLY THIRTIES sits in a all white interrogation room. He gazes upon the one way mirror in a state of paranoia, as he bites his lip and taps his finger tips on the steel table.

Rough start with poor grammar and format.


Why introduce this character with the attributes also in CAPS? Or is his name A RATTLED MATTEO MORETTI EARLY THIRTIES. This should read like ...

A rattled MATTEO MORETTI, early 30s ...


Your slug tells up Matteo is in an INTEROGATION ROOM, so you do not need to repeat it in the text block. It's redundancy that eats up space and slows down a clean read.


Need to work on your vocabulary so you can tighten up the action - have more words (synonyms) at your disposal.

Like this ...

A rattled MATTEO MORETTI, early 30s, gazes at a one-way mirror, biting his lip, drumming his fingers on a steel table.

39 words down to 21. Close to half.

I'm not a fan of using ING verbs in scripts, but sometimes it just works better in the cadence - yes, that counts. Ya wanna have that ba-bump in the read.


You have RATTLED and PARANOIA. I think you should pick one. I left out paranoia, but if you feel you need the stronger image, then flip this ...

Stark white. MATTEO MORETTI, early 30s, signs of paranoia, bites his lip and drums his fingers on a steel table, gazes at his reflection in a two-way mirror.

28 words. Still 11 less than the original.


You have to sound these text blocks out. If they read choppy, your readers will be exhausted by page 5. Screenplays ARE NOT just engaging stories. They are working documents that all kinds of pros need to access for information: where to pull cable, what kinds of lights to bring, costume changes, makeup, indoor or outdoor shots, day or night shots. How many booms?

Will cars be needed? Pyrotechnics? Which actors need to be in a particular location on any given shot/shoot, and how many extras will be needed, if any?

When will the set decorator step in to prepare or change a room?

All of this information and a whole lot more is in the script. Burying that information in chunky-clunky action text will drive the production into lots of overtime and reshoots, and invite lots of mistakes. That costs real money (or real pizza).


As a writer, you must present a readable document. This comes from a command of language. Please read my book section on Brevity and Clarity.


Okay, you also use THE when introducing things in the room. 'The' is used when you refer to something specific, 'A' is used for things in general. Since we do not know if there is more than one steel table in the room, it should be 'A STEEL TABLE'.

However, if you had intro'd the room along the lines of A steel table in the center of a stark white room ...

Once you have identified this table as the only one, then you switch to 'THE'. Like this ...

INT. LAPD INTEROGATION ROOM - DAY

Stark white, a steel table and chair in the center. MATTEO MORETTI, early 30s, signs of paranoia, drums his fingers on the table, eyes fixed on a one-way mirror.

You could also intro the two-way mirror as well, like this ...

INT. LAPD INTEROGATION ROOM - DAY

Stark white, a steel table and chair in the center, a large two-way mirror on one wall. MATTEO MORETTI, early 30s, signs of paranoia, drums his fingers on the table, eyes fixed on the one-way mirror.


The table and mirror are first introduce in general since it is the first time we are seeing them. After that they become specific fixtures in the story and become 'THE'. This is standard grammar, and it is what makes a screenplay read flow like honey.

Exceptions? Things like the sun and moon usually are 'the' since they are the only ones. Exceptions to the exception? An early-morning sun rise. A Harvest moon.


Two way mirror - two way is a compound adjective, and should be hyphenated. Two-way mirror. You would also say three-way conversation. The all white interrogation room is also a compound adjective and should read ... sits in a all-white interrogation room.

Your text says one way mirror, but these rooms ALWAYS have two-way mirrors.

Are we done? No. You use 'a' before 'all'. All starts with a vowel, and therefore must be proceeded with 'an'. Exceptions? The hard U, as in 'University'.

An umbrella, a university.

Not everyone will know what LAPD means. You might consider using the proper name first intro, with its acronym in parentheses.


And that's just your first text block!


alex

 

[alex ma whitmer]

One thing I forgot to mention. Actually I did it for you, just forgot to say why (it was late).


You had this ...


INT. LAPD INTEROGATION ROOM - DAY

A RATTLED MATTEO MORETTI EARLY THIRTIES sits in a all white interrogation room. He gazes upon the one way mirror in a state of paranoia, as he bites his lip and taps his finger tips on the steel table.


I moved things around to get this ...

INT. LAPD INTEROGATION ROOM - DAY

Stark white, a steel table and chair in the center, a large two-way mirror on one wall. MATTEO MORETTI, early 30s, signs of paranoia, drums his fingers on the table, eyes fixed on the one-way mirror.


Since your slug introduces the reader (and production crew) to a space, / location you want to tell us about that space / location first off. Then tell us what is going on in, on, or around that space / location.

Your intro has a slug, then a character attribute, then the character, then another character attribute, then a location attribute, then back to the character. It's all over the place, and I have to slow donw to make sure I have it right - this is what the cahracter looks like, this is what the space looks like.


This, for exmple ...

He gazes upon the one way mirror in a state of paranoia

Is Moretti in a state of paranoia, or is the mirror in a state of paranoia? I know it should seem obvious, but the way you mix things, I do have to slow my read to sort it out. Your reader just might be a potential producer. If he or she is having read really slow to make sure they understand what is going on, then there is about a 99% chance they will lose interest and move to the next screenplay.


I moved things around so the space is listed first, then the character, then how the two interact. Remember, your spaces are as much a part of the story as your characters, and they do interact.

When is it okay to list the character after the slug? Like this ...


INT. LAPD INTEROGATION ROOM - DAY

Stark white, a steel table and chair in the center, a large two-way mirror on one wall. MATTEO MORETTI, early 30s, signs of paranoia, drums his fingers on the table, eyes fixed on the one-way mirror.

INT. LAPD DETECTIVE'S OFFICE - DAY

Cluttered, bright lights. DETECTIVE ANNE MURRY , late 50s, casual clothes, rummages through files piled on her desk. She grabs two, exits.

INT. LAPD INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

Moretti paces. Anne enters. Moretti moves as far away from her as the room allows. A glance at the two-way mirror.

MORETTI
Are they watching?


Since we already introduced the interrogation room's attributes in the first slug, you can cut right to what's happening there now UNLESS something has changed. Like this ...

INT. LAPD INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

The steel table and chair flipped over. Moretti paces ...


You don't want this ...

INT. LAPD DETECTIVE´S OFFICE - DAY

ready-to-retire ANNE MURRY, 50s, rummages around on her desk in the office. The bright lights make her casual clothes look ghastly. She finally finds one file and then exits the messy room.

Stuff is ALL OVER THE PLACE.


Keep your stuff aligned. Your readers will love you for it.


alex

 

[joey1986]

One thing I forgot to mention. Actually I did it for you, just forgot to say why (it was late).


You had this ...


INT. LAPD INTEROGATION ROOM - DAY

A RATTLED MATTEO MORETTI EARLY THIRTIES sits in a all white interrogation room. He gazes upon the one way mirror in a state of paranoia, as he bites his lip and taps his finger tips on the steel table.


I moved things around to get this ...

INT. LAPD INTEROGATION ROOM - DAY

Stark white, a steel table and chair in the center, a large two-way mirror on one wall. MATTEO MORETTI, early 30s, signs of paranoia, drums his fingers on the table, eyes fixed on the one-way mirror.


Since your slug introduces the reader (and production crew) to a space, / location you want to tell us about that space / location first off. Then tell us what is going on in, on, or around that space / location.

Your intro has a slug, then a character attribute, then the character, then another character attribute, then a location attribute, then back to the character. It's all over the place, and I have to slow donw to make sure I have it right - this is what the cahracter looks like, this is what the space looks like.


This, for exmple ...

He gazes upon the one way mirror in a state of paranoia

Is Moretti in a state of paranoia, or is the mirror in a state of paranoia? I know it should seem obvious, but the way you mix things, I do have to slow my read to sort it out. Your reader just might be a potential producer. If he or she is having read really slow to make sure they understand what is going on, then there is about a 99% chance they will lose interest and move to the next screenplay.


I moved things around so the space is listed first, then the character, then how the two interact. Remember, your spaces are as much a part of the story as your characters, and they do interact.

When is it okay to list the character after the slug? Like this ...


INT. LAPD INTEROGATION ROOM - DAY

Stark white, a steel table and chair in the center, a large two-way mirror on one wall. MATTEO MORETTI, early 30s, signs of paranoia, drums his fingers on the table, eyes fixed on the one-way mirror.

INT. LAPD DETECTIVE'S OFFICE - DAY

Cluttered, bright lights. DETECTIVE ANNE MURRY , late 50s, casual clothes, rummages through files piled on her desk. She grabs two, exits.

INT. LAPD INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

Moretti paces. Anne enters. Moretti moves as far away from her as the room allows. A glance at the two-way mirror.

MORETTI
Are they watching?


Since we already introduced the interrogation room's attributes in the first slug, you can cut right to what's happening there now UNLESS something has changed. Like this ...

INT. LAPD INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

The steel table and chair flipped over. Moretti paces ...


You don't want this ...

INT. LAPD DETECTIVE´S OFFICE - DAY

ready-to-retire ANNE MURRY, 50s, rummages around on her desk in the office. The bright lights make her casual clothes look ghastly. She finally finds one file and then exits the messy room.

Stuff is ALL OVER THE PLACE.


Keep your stuff aligned. Your readers will love you for it.


alex

Thank you for taking the time to read the first 5 pages of my script, this site has proven to be very helpful in learning the proper way to write one out. It will take me some time to fully understand every bit of advice . I'm not the smartest person lol I spent most of my schooling in special education so yea i'm at a small disadvantage.
I have always had a passion to be a story teller only thing wrong with that was i couldn't really spell. A couple years ago my wife changed that she has been my teacher. I'm not about to let my bad grammar stop me from pursuing this journey. I have million great concept for films i refuse to let them go un read or if luck is on my side one day seen. Again thank you all to who took the time to read and give me feedback.

 

[Guanto]

Screenplays ARE NOT just engaging stories. They are working documents that all kinds of pros need to access for information: where to pull cable, what kinds of lights to bring, costume changes, makeup, indoor or outdoor shots, day or night shots. How many booms?

Ironically, this often overlooked fact is what often leads me to break conventions. However I think it's because I am the one writing the shooting scripts from my spec scripts (let alone directing them). For example instead of writing the preferred "They study the glistening obelisk" I go with "Eldritch and Crimson-41 study the glistening obelisk". The amount of brain power and foot work this saves me when blocking and transposing to individual shots is invaluable. However the downside to this is I find myself writing with less and less prose and descriptors. In my head I am just blocking out the simplest commands because all the spit and polish is in my head for when I'm directing. It ultimately makes for a much quicker clearer blueprint to start rolling footage on, but admittedly probably a less colorful read on paper.

He gazes upon the one way mirror in a state of paranoia

Is Moretti in a state of paranoia, or is the mirror in a state of paranoia?

Dying for you to answer your question.

She grabs two, exits.

So how do you (you personally) decide when to start going with the screenplay shorthand stuff and start leaving grammar behind? IOW why this here and not "She grabs two and exits"?